Please, what have I done ….
Not sure where to start …. Guess I’ll start at the beginning.
My husband and I met and fell fast and hard. Engaged quickly , married . We were THAT couple that was so in love it made others think we were cheesey . We were happy. Two BEAUTIFUL babies followed . 13 months apart … I was barely 4 months postpartum when I found out I was pregnant again. We had a lot of stress from several other issues in life , financial , etc . During my 2nd pregnancy my there was little to no contact between my husband and I , I was the main care giver for our 1st for all things, food, clothes , appointments , day to day all things , co sleeping put my husband on the couch … we also were living in my parents home at the time to add the cherry on top . We had no privacy or time to ourselves.
2nd baby is born , we finally moved into our own home … my postpartum depression and anxiety was BEYOND anything I could have anticipated…. I was crying all the time . Thought I was going to die of some insane decease and leave my beautiful family behind . I thought terrible thoughts of loosing my babies to some crazy scenario…
My husband worked full time and I was off on mat leave with my thoughts . I am good mom … this is my saving grace right now .
Over the time of our 2nd growing my husband and i continued to sleep apart . As i was still nursing . Home life was crazy with two babies under two .. he did not help me around the house . I begged often but he was also tired . We had the same argument and conversation all the time that I needed more help . He felt as though nothing was good enough ..
Fast forward I return to work and still continue being the main care giver to the babies , cooking , cleaning , ensuring they had clothes , appts , etc .
I eventually shut off after many talks that got us nowhere …
I took up a running group and met someone who seemed to take an interest In me . We had known each other before but this was something we had in common … I wasn’t just the worn out mom and wife that I was at home .
Friendly talk / text turned to flirting and "sexting " … I truly don’t even recognize this version of my when I look back but I did it and cannot take it back .
Few weeks pasted and I went out with friends for the first time in so long since having babies (hoping I could release this energy inside me for some friggin independence ! ) I drank to much and messaged him. He picked me up and we went to his house . We kissed for a short time and I disgustingly went into his pants with my mouth . Or was SHORT and he didn’t finish at all as I stopped it all and said I had to leave !!! I was utterly disgusted In myself .
I went home and my husband knew something was up as I never go out , let alone stay out late …
Next day is his birthday .. (yes I am disgusting)
We get through his lovely birthday with the kids . The week goes by and I am dying inside to tell him what happened . We have NEVER had secrets ever . Not even about our pasts .
I decide to speak to my therapist who helps me make a plan to come clean .
The night I come clean I tell him about the emotional affair and the kiss . I leave out the dirty details !!
He’s fucking disgusted and upset and cries . I cry . Over the days and weeks he questions me more about the affair . I sugar coat and only give him the basics … the truth but only bits of it .
We have been so amazing since working soooo hard on us but SUDDENLY I am overwhelmed by remorse and guilt about the half story I told . I have read and researched that some people say less detail is best and some say full ugly detail is best .
I am up at night having panic attacks and wonder if telling him more will help … but that’s my own selfish thought . I can’t eat , sleep … my kids are perfect . He’s so beautiful , we are doing so well . I need help … can I heal and be the best wife without fully disclosing ???? I will never ever ever do this again .
Side note . I emailed our marriage counsellor this morning as well with my current state …
10 comments posted: Monday, December 30th, 2024
