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Newest Member: Nbbb

New Beginnings :
Redo or avoid

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 4:03 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

I am curious if any other people struggle with this. I was married to EX (feels amazing to say this) husband for decades so we had a lot of history together. For that reason there are a lot of places and things we did together.

Next week i am going to a place EXWH and I went to many times—including a very painful time right after DD2.

Looking back, EXWH was a horrible gaslighting blameshifting, partner. Serial cheater, liar and generally low on empathy.

A date is planning a lovely time at said location. Date and I have a great deal of honesty between us. (They are not unaware of my history. They are also a BS. )
I have pretty awful CPTSD from EXWH multiple A’s and long-term abusive treatment along with vicarious and actual trauma from my occupation. I am getting help for it.

We talked about whether it’s healthy to deliberately go certain places and make new positive memories or whether to avoid such places. If we did the avoid, we would be avoiding most of the major cities in America…

I wonder what other people have done?

I would love a redo as far as intimacy in these locations too given how EXWH managed to ruin that too. However, that’s not in the cards this trip due to date’s and my religious/spiritual values. (Although it would be an upgrade in that department too!)

Thoughts? Experiences?

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1650   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8807286
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:41 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

Similar situation with me, Shehawk...except I'm not dating anyone and I have a double betrayal. My XWH and I had great experiences and favorite vacation spots. He was in contact with AP when we were at the Happiest Place on Earth, and I haven't been back there yet. I will, but not yet.

AP was visiting us for the first (and only) time, and we took her to a place where XWH and I would go at least once per year. I felt that the whole city was tainted. After 5 years, I was finally able to visit with a great GF of mine who knew there would be triggers. We had a great time, and I rarely thought of XWH and AP at all.

Being 5 years out, and a couple of years post-D, I was healed enough that I could remember the good memories fondly and not be triggered.

Be honest with your date and let them know that you could be triggered so they can be ready. That is, if you're ready to go to the city. There may be places where it's easier to go than others.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3427   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8807291
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:13 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

For me, it was all about time and healing. I.e., at first, I avoided but as time/healing went along I started reclaiming.

I am a long ways out now and I can not think of any place I would now avoid. As leafield said, I am able to just extract the good memories of that place.

Trust your gut on this one if you feel you are ready to reclaim or if you need some more time for this location. Some locations are way easier to reclaim than others.

posts: 6893   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8807311
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 7:39 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

Thank even and Leah
It’s tough stuff. Thanks for weighing in.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1650   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8807357
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ANewPerson ( member #83728) posted at 12:19 AM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

A date is planning a lovely time at said location. Date and I have a great deal of honesty between us.

IMO FWIW. This is now and this outweighs the past. A man you are honest with and, at least makes you ponder intimacy, has planned a perfectly nice time. We've all given too much to an underserving past, frankly, you deserve a better time with a better person in a place that will not be like the place you last visited. Do we see anything the same way we saw before? Take what you deserve and have a nice time. Hawks are both prey and predator, maybe you were the prey, but that certainly isn't all you are now. We're all more, we're not diminished.

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8807414
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 3:02 AM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

"We've all given too much to an underserving past, frankly, you deserve a better time with a better person in a place that will not be like the place you last visited."

So true!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1650   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8807436
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:21 AM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

I like the idea of reclaiming places, just not with a man you are newly dating. What if he turns out to be a douche canoe? Are you going to have to redo them again? If you trigger and get upset, do you feel comfortable unloading on him?

For this particular exercise, I recommend going alone or with a close friend/family member. Once those memories have been cleansed, maybe then go with a date.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8807589
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 5:01 AM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

Good advice Bluer.

I know this person well. They are unlikely to in any way resemble EXWH or to do anything "douche". EXWH on the other hand was likely to have the empathy of a rock and to throw temper tantrums resembling of a badly behaved baboon, thro in the cheating and lies…


Most any memory aside from being stalked by the fictitious walking dead zombies would be better than any memory I would have with ExWH .

Thanks for the thoughtful advice. It is important to not move in haste.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1650   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8807737
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 3:59 PM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

I had a lovely time. Exquisite dinner, great coffee shops, flower farm…
NO DRAMA LLAMA
Which if you have lived with anyone like EXCH you will be able to empathize with how lovely peaceful and pleasant can be.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1650   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8808285
Topic is Sleeping.
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