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Newest Member: MamaTo7

Wayward Side :
A hard realization.

Topic is Sleeping.

 LostAndHoping (original poster new member #80549) posted at 3:55 AM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2022

I have come to realize that our attempt at reconciliation was doomed from the start. Not because of anything my STBX did. But because of my own actions. I was selfish even after I admitted my affair to him.

All my thoughts and fears were over what was going to happen to me, what other people would think of me. I have almost no thought to him. To the kind of pain he must have been feeling. Even after he basically threw me out I only felt sorry for myself. I again gave almost no thought to his feelings. The shame he must have felt to admit to people that his wife slept with another man. How that must have made him feel. Thinking of this isn’t pleasant and it makes me feel disgusted with myself even more.

How could I have continued to be so selfish? Even after crushing this man’s life I still thought of myself first. I reflect back that back when he would still talk to me once a week a lot of my conversations with him were centered around the effects this was having on my life. He must have sat there and thought of what a selfish immature person he had the misfortune of marrying.

He didn’t deserve this. He really didn’t. He’s not perfect, who is? But he was a good husband and he’s a good man. I want him to know that. This shit reflects poorly on me and not on him. I honestly can’t even begrudge him his revenge affair. It hurt that he did it but again all I thought of was ho it made me feel. I have no thought to what he must have been going through to act that way. He certainly never showed any interest in other women before all this happened. He’s so handsome and other women would try to flirt with him sometimes even when we were together. He used to laugh and tell me I was the only one for him. I’m so sorry for hurting him. I really am.

A part of me wishes I could tell him this. And apologize sincerely this time. I know he wouldn’t believe me but in the last year I have changed. I’m still a work in progress but I really think I have made so much progress in the last almost 11 months that I’ve been in IC. Rant over for now. I appreciate this place where I can come and vent from time to time.

He asked me if I’d rather go to a mediation when it comes to the divorce. That’s been our only conversation for a long time. It was brief, almost professional. It hurt but I think that might be for the best. There isn’t a lot for us to really fight over as the house was his before we were married.

These will be the first holidays since we separated. Even though he knew about the affair before last Christmas we were still technically together. It hope he spends it surrounded by family and friends. I know I will. I’m still trying to rebuild some of those relationships. His sister (my former best friend) is a lost cause and a few of our friends group seem to have forgotten me but I have my sister and I have a couple of my oldest friends still.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NE Ohio
id 8768321

ReluctantEmu ( new member #82500) posted at 4:23 AM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2022

Hi. I'm a WW too.

What I think you must understand is that selfishness is innate to us. It's cause of our altered ways of thinking/perceiving things that leads us to be wayward.

If you could explain that to your BH, even if he divorces you, and profusely apologise for everything that you've done to him, who knows, maybe a door will open up where he'll have you in his life even as a friend. I'm sure it must hurt that he wants nothing to do with you now but maybe by doing the hard work on yourself, he'll deem you worthy to keep around.

Just a suggestion.

Me: WW (33),Him: BH (33)

LTA from Nov 2020-Feb 2022

In recovery

posts: 6   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8768324

Ragab ( new member #82425) posted at 7:09 AM on Tuesday, December 6th, 2022

Lostandhoping, I was reading the beginning of your post and if I did not know any better I would think I wrote it myself.

I have been selfish all my life, without knowing it. I was a receiver and never a giver, without me knowing it. Me, myself, and I.
Now I look back and think how could I never see this? I now understand that I also only worried about - me me me.

I really hope you can learn to live with yourself and please share how to on your way as I sure as hell do not know, yet.

Wishing you all the best and lots of hugs.

Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.... lately more stones than diamonds.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2022   ·   location: South Africa
id 8768331
Topic is Sleeping.
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