SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes he asks for BJ's, it's very important to keep in context. Neither of them were discussing the sexual BJ. I've already outlined what the BJ was. The BJ talk could have been funny (it was funny to everyone but me), except she doesn't make sex jokes and references to me or anyone else. It's not in her vocabulary. Her cousin, like me and many others, just rolls with the punches and makes sex comments occasionally. Asking for a BJ while pointing at a bowl of potatoes was silly. Responding with "i'll be happy to give you a BJ, do you like the BJ i gave you" is a step too far. Especially since she doesn't do that with me. And yes, the long deep hug was inappropriate. It's also important to keep in mind that they see each other once a year and that hug is the initial hug, i missed you hug. A long embrace that says i missed you, doesn't bother me. Her head in his chest, eyes closed, soaking him in is what bothers me. That's not on him. I guess he could've pushed her away after a second, but this was her action. She embraced him. He simply allowed her to hug him. Again, she has given him opportunity and he has never taken it. When she texts him from the bathtub "do you like to take baths?" He said "no i prefer a shower." That was the end of it. His response was not inappropriate, he didn't even know she was in the bathtub at that time. But her asking was defnitely inappropriate.

I'm quite aware when a woman "melts" into my arms and what it entails. There's no way he's oblivious to it. Nor would I play along with blowjob jokes with someone else's wife, even if, or maybe especially if it was my cousin. It would make me very uncomfortable. I don't care if it's a bowl of mashed potatoes or not. It's not even really a double entendre because it's so obvious.

This cousin isn't completely innocent in this and I find it a little bit odd that you're so eager to defend his honor.

sawyer

Your wife and her cousin's behavior, I find it to be inappropriate and extremely disrespectful to you.

I hear your pain and hurt. Yet I also hear a defense.

You have gotten a lot of opinions/perspectives on all of this and yet you continue to argue in her/his defense.

Yes he asks for BJ's, it's very important to keep in context.

I'm sorry, but in what context could this talk be deemed acceptable?

Neither of them were discussing the sexual BJ

What other kind is there?

It's obvious at least to me, that you suspect something more than you're admitting. Otherwise, why post?

No one wants to be the fool or the betrayed or both. There are parts of me that wish I never knew. That we could have corrected and continued on w/o all the mess. But the mess was necessary to repair.

Maybe setting your cameras will produce enough evidence for you to finally see the truth. Maybe you'll find a way to explain their behavior away again.

I think the solution lies within you.

Let me rephrase my position with him: I agree that a prolonged hug and joking about blowjobs with your cousin is inappropriate. But that alone does not mean he is considering fucking my wife. The evidence against him is: 1 or 2 prolonged hugs. And a joke about a BJ. The evidence for him is: She has thrown herself at him dozens of times and he laughs it off. His text responses are short and not inappropriate. He does not return her gaze. He does not ignore me or anyone else in the room when my wife is there. Hell he even called me 2 days before Thanksgiving and begged me to join them after i told my wife to go by herself b/c i wasn't interested. He's not interested in my wife romantically, i'm certain of it.

You ask "why post?" You all have given me what i needed and i've expressed gratitude. I needed to know if i was justified in being upset at the non-sexual stuff, or if i'm being paranoid and jealous. His own GF thought the BJ remarks at dinner were hilarious. Everyone but me laughed about it for hours. When you are the only one feeling disrespected, hurt, confused by remarks and stares and then being told "you're just jealous," you consider the possibility. I needed to know if i should get over it and accept it as normal, or if indeed this is abnormal and inappropriate. Everyone here has confirmed, i'm not crazy. However the sentiment is that they are also fucking, and/or that the cousin is interested in it. My defense of him is valid. The proof is clear. He's done little wrong. I guarantee that if i told him to stop making sexual remarks to my wife, he would. I also guarantee that if i tell my wife to stop (i have) she would NOT stop and would tell me she's doing nothing wrong. That's the problem.

She’s not stopping because she doesn’t believe you will do anything about it except vocalize your displeasure.
So it’s been determined she doesn’t give a shit about your feelings, only getting into her cousins pants matter. And yeah, that’s exactly what she’s trying to do. That’s probably why he begged you to accompany your wife that you wrote about.
Unless he’s a total dumbass, he knows what’s up.
Time to start thinking about actionable consequences and what that would look like.

I'm just trying to imagine making blowjob jokes with my cousin while my wife, grandparents, aunts, uncles, other cousins, and possibly younger relatives sit around the table laughing for hours about it and being completely oblivious that she's gazing intently at me and melting into my arms.

I have a younger cousin who had what one could consider a bit of a crush on me when we were kids/teenagers and it made me more uncomfortable than anything. I certainly wouldn't be engaging in highly sexually charged double entendres with her in front of the rest of the family during holiday get togethers.

It almost doesn't even sound real...

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:56 PM, Friday, July 17th]

Spot on OhItsYou.

I voiced my concerns and displeasure to my H. He was arrogant enough to believe I had no power. And for many years he was right. There was nothing I could do.

Except dday2 of affair2 (typical midlife crisis affair) was when that all changed. I did the hard 180, kicked him to the curb AND was D him!

He still thought he could sweet talk his out of it. 😂

In 24 hours he realized I had complete control of the situation and he had no bargaining chips.

Never saw things start to change so fast as when he realized he no longer was in control of me and had no decision making ability.

He does not know that she isn't gazing at him, b/c he doesn't stare back at her unless they are talking to one another. When he walk away and she's watching his every movement, his back is to her. Or he will be watching tv and she's gazing at him. When he goes outside for a smoke, she's staring through the window. When playing cards, he is shuffling, dealing, being normal...while she is enamored with him. Eyes on him. Yea they made BJ jokes and i didn't like it, but he doesn't know that. As far as he's concerned, she always talks like that. And since he sees her once a year, he wouldn't know that she's not that way. The hug...melting into him...yea he notices that. No doubt.

However the sentiment is that they are also fucking, and/or that the cousin is interested in it. My defense of him is valid. The proof is clear. He's done little wrong. I guarantee that if i told him to stop making sexual remarks to my wife, he would. I also guarantee that if i tell my wife to stop (i have) she would NOT stop and would tell me she's doing nothing wrong. That's the problem.

Not that they are already fucking, but given the chance your wife will do it, no jokes about it.

She is in a full emotional affair with her cousin. This IS infidelity and just as devastating to your nerve system.

Restraints are the only thing keeping it from getting physical, accepting is her cousin who is keeping restraining, this is not a situation you can or should live with.

You want the camera to get either proof or a sense of security (I called it a false one).

You risk to either contribute gaslighting yourself if "nothing happens " (but your wife is infatuated, she is already betraying you) or you risk an image that nothing will ever be able to wash away from your mind.

I told you that, if knowing about your woman having sex with someone is crushing, seeing it is a totally different thing.

You will never unsee.

Taking you for granted: cousin knows and he’s keeping distance from "her blowjobs". At least you can clearly observe that when they are with you and his girlfriend (missing information).

He seems to make sure that both you and his girlfriend can see that he’s not indulging in your wife sexual avances.

But they talk in private. They are meeting alone. He wrote her a "riveting " letter.

I told you in that letter there will be proof of his awareness, even if you didn’t read, but additional clues point that he knows and he checks in with you and girlfriend to ensure you don’t get to think they are fucking.

And maybe they aren’t right now, maybe he is pushing to restrain and he is uncomfortable.

Not uncomfortable enough because if you are you can hold boundaries in a way that she gets a cold shower, without drama.

Even if he’s adamant about not having sex with cousin they meet and she craves to be alone with him. You know that we’re not always at our strongest?life can happen. A drink too much. He being down. Girlfriend leaves him. Something negative that puts him down.

Any of these openings can happen and she is open to those.

And again, not pushing back enough, they both have weak boundaries.

And he wrote her a secret letter.

Trust is ok, but it seems you are all dancing around an unspoken uncomfortably inappropriate sexual innuendo that is in plain sight, even if no one wants to call it out.

You called it out here.

You are absolutely correct

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:14 PM, Friday, July 17th]