SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had an 3 year on/off EA. In the beginning they were hot and heavy. Sexting, talking about leaving partners, "I love you", etc. They talked about what it would be like to have sex together and what they would do to each other. OW told him that she couldn't have sex with him because then she would fall in love with him. He said is it even possible to love someone w/o having sex with them. This whole EA has been so damaging.

I suppose I am lucky that I know it's not a PA. OW is in the states H is here. That said the e-mails and texts professed undying love. It hurts like hell.

I'm now locked out of his computer and phone. Every time I see him texting, I wonder .. is it her?

He says he loves ma and need to let the EA wind down, that she knows he is not ready to leave me and he need time and some privacy to end it. I hope he can but waiting is so hard.

I feel like second best maybe not even that

I have a question for anyone who thinks they can answer...

Is it considered an emotional affair if H dropped the OW upon my discovery cold turkey? Said no goodbye, did not reply to any message, text, call, email, said not a word? The sexting however went on (off and on) for 2 years, and she certainly has all kinds of emotions towards him, as per the craziness we're now dealing with from her side.

(Note that he did have to send a NC email because I could no longer stand her calls, not that NC email has helped with that though.)

EA is strictly an affair of the heart. No contact no physical presence. Well that's what it is for me.

Is it considered an emotional affair if H dropped the OW upon my discovery cold turkey?

yes it is. He knew his day would come, so he already knew the value in keeping you. He is both smart and stupid.

He did something wrong then did the right thing in the moment.

My WW still to this day cannot see why everytime she communicates with AP it is a dagger in my back and heart.

Sometimes selfish and entitled people dont get it.

So pretty much right after posting this I discovered his PA with OW. I was trying to find out if I belonged in here, but I guess I definitely don't now!

Thank you friends.

(((((NoNameNoFace)))))

Take care

Has anyone ever divorced because of an emotional affair (the wayward never put in the work to build trust again)?

I'v just found this thread, I'm going to dip in and start reading past pages to see if I can find some comfort.

I've only read page 1, and I can already see that some do divorce, in response to your question lovemustb but some also do reconcile.

Good luck to you x

What bothers me is:

In reconciliation now but I have been reading alot of marital advice books. One thing it talks about is the different types of love languages. Well I admit that my WH needs to hear words to feel loved. I guess I have been neglectful in some sense. But I have been trying recently to use more words to him and verbalize my thanks for him being my husband.... but it never ever ever seems to be enough. I think no wonder he had so many EAS he basically needs to hear someone flatter him all day. And it is hard for me to even think of anything positive to say when he was the one who was wayward. Anyway.. how much is enough. The other day I brought him lunch at work. I made sure to text him nicely, say nice things throughout the day...and he comes home and says I didn't give him enough attention. What ?? Honestly, he should be thankful I am still here... yet he never sees that. It's always about Him and his needs.

Depression and EA

My husband disengaged from family life to work long hours. He changed from a patient loving man, into a very angry and depressed one. Barely talked, lost contact with friends, hated touch. But became obsessed about his weight, looks, exercise, that mobile phone. Refused to get help (Nothing wrong with him.). He finally resigned and began a new job but he was still 'down'.

I found years of emails between him and COW. They had been spending every meal break together for 2 years. And, when he changed jobs, they took turns walking to each other's work places (20 mins each way) in order to continue the meetings. I knew nothing.

WH liked being the knight in shining armour. He assures me it wasn't a PA but that it did get 'more intense' the final few months.

So, life has been hell. WH went NC almost straight away. Began counselling for the depression etc. I am 14 months out but it has only been in the last few weeks that I am recovered enough to breath. The kids are screwed up after suffering their dad's depression and my subsequent chaotic mothering.

WH shall continue counselling for the rest of his life to try to prevent depression, his porn addiction and wandering ways. I hope that this works.

Ionlytalkedtoher

Your h is looking for validation externally and it makes him a big black hole of need. And like a big black hole, it never fills up.

That is because to love oneself and feel validated and while, it comes from within. He has to be the one to fill himself up.

Unfortunately that would take a lot of work and introspection and most just don't believe the problem is with themselves.

My ex was like this, only with possessions and gadgets. Oh, and finally new adoring ows.

My advice to you? It will never be enough. He will have to decide to change. Chances are slim. Is this what you want a marriage to be? Soon you will not be the bright shiny object and he will find a new one. ((((Hugs))))

My H had an EA, well, several. Does sexting fall into the category of EA? Regardless, there were strictly emotional ones as well.

He was referred to an online relationship advice expert, spoke and paid this person, without me knowing (yay-he took a step to work on things without my saying so), and this person told him that he was looking for validation, that he "still has it." He needs to know people find him attractive and to be flirted with. He has low self esteem issues.

OBVIOUSLY, I could have told him that, but it was good for an outsider, unbiased person to tell him. My issue is this, while he opened up emotionally to some of these OWs, he struggles immensely opening up to me/anyone in his real life. Will he ever be able to be fully emotionally open to me? I get talking to someone behind a screen makes anything easier, but if he wants to stay married, I need to feel connected to him.

I just feel like the need for attention and someone to talk to on a different level than what he feels he can talk to me on, might never go away..

My husband involved himself in an emotional affair - via the Internet. To be fair, he was catfishes into believing there was a dire situation and felt he could help. REALITY stops there, the conversations quickly turned inappropriate and has my marriage teetering on a very high precipice. I want to engage in 'harmless' conversation with a strange man - no emotional investment required ... Just make believe chat - so that my SO can get a feel for the devastation he has caused.

I would say my WH is a SA, except that there was (he claims) no PA with any of them. I am dubious, and have a tentative poly scheduled when DS starts school.

If operating under the premise that this is true, what kind of addiction is it? Or is it one? when all of his extramarital activities are purely emotional ones? The reality is that they aren't even emotional, he doesn't let them get that close. They are, however, compulsive. He simply exchanged one addiction (alcohol, which was his original excuse for his A's) for another. Except that the EA's seem to have been a precursor to his alcohol consumption ramping up; a way to sort of numb the knowledge that what he was doing was wrong.

I don't know, I guess I'm trying to sort this out in my mind more than anything. It is a tangled nest of pain and confusion is what it is. I'm just trying to figure out if he is beyond help or not.

Any counselors in the house? My IC is on vacation this week, but I plan on discussing it with her next week.

Well, I have to say I guess I am thankful I found out about my partners ea pretty quickly. My man's a creature of habit, leaves phone home, or at office, never texts, then, all of a sudden, he's carrying his phone with him at all times, always checking it, even texting late at nite, right there next to me. One weekend he said he had to go back to work, not unusual at all, but an hour later, I go to the food store, and I see him coming out of a side street, hmm, not at work. So, I start thinking, somethings up. I did check his phone later, and found some texts between him and a new fb friend, I have met twice a few years back, innocent enough, just a happy birthday, happy easter, a question about her son, but weird was her name in his phone was only initials. So, I just let that go, then he left for a 5 day camping trip with his buddies, and yes, he was camping, I know all of them and saw pictures, now here's where we get to the story, he comes home Thursday nite, next day, he comes home with some x-rated movies, I'm not opposed too, just it was strange. Then on Monday, the dd day, he left his phone home, and it rang, didn't have my glasses on, was doing the swipe thing, and there were the messages, while camping with the guys, he's asking about her day, what's she going, then the crossing the line text, he says, he would love to take her on a hike one day in the woods, her reply, I'm in if I can bring my wine, his response, definitely bring wine. So, here's what I did, I snapped a picture of that text, brought him his phone at work. Cried, freaked out all day, then came up with a plan. I texted him that day, I had a special dinner planned that nite. Brought the cooler with food, and took him to a state park. Brought wine of course, made him drink 2 big glasses full, then said, I am sorry I looked through your phone, explained the no glasses story, then handed him the picture of this text to her about love to take you hiking with freaking wine!!! Can't get out of this one, he fully admitted it, said he was at her house twice, I'm sure there was more fb messages too. I told him, lines were so close, end it now. Told him how much it hurt me. He finally deleted her from fb, and as a phone contact and was remorseful and I believe relieved he got caught. I did go as far as sending her a private message on fb, asking if she knew we were in a relationship and after her response of of course I did, he talks about you, and I was in the wrong for accusations, I saud, never talk to him again, we live in a small town, just want to nip it in the bud. So, it was only a 4 week text a thon, but, I won!! So I hope I tell myself. That's the problem, I keep going over and over, why? Hmmm, what could I do better, to stroke his ego? I am focused now, every day, but it does get excausting, just wish things were, we'll not me being a private eye anymore..... hard, but it could have been worse I guess.........give me your thoughts

dd427: please go to the healing library, it is a wealth of good information to help you with what you are going through. There is also a very good book by Shirley Glass called "Not Just Friends," that is very informative.

Please know that NONE of this is your fault.

Be prepared for more revelations. Your wayward is in damage control mode, and he is going to omit important truths and he is going to minimize what he does admit to.

Gently, he told you he had been to her house, just him and her, alone, more than once. The odds are this was also a physical affair. I hope that I am wrong, but you need to take care of yourself by being prepared.

Finally, this is a BIG DEAL. A life-changing, traumatizing big deal. Stop minimizing it. It lets him off the hook, and it trivializes your pain. Yeah, that why I picked that username, cause I was doing it too at the beginning.

Thanks for the info on the book, will look that up. I do know that no PA occured, she has a handicap son, and a teenager in the home, and the one visit he did was to drop off a fund raising brochure for her son, that's when he started communicating with her. I know a lot of her friends that are mine too,and they all pretty much said the same thing, affairs are not her thing. I just need to work on my trust issues, and triggers, I see her at least once a week, either in stores or driving, just gets me nuts all over again. My message I wrote her was pretty straight foward about no contact with him, ever, I am sure she doesn't need any more drama in her life. My guy is back to leaving phone out, never really checking it for long periods of time. Just hope this was a stupid mistake he made, and never again one can hope!!

Hey,

I saw this thread and while I wanted to read all of it from start to finish....I cheated and read page 1 and the last page, so please forgive me for that, since I am also trying (without much success right now) to do work!

Has anyone ever divorced because of an emotional affair (the wayward never put in the work to build trust again

My W decided to end 4 years of what I understood had been wonderful and fulfilling (I was apparently deluded) via email. I suspect there is a PA, I also suspect there was an EA before the PA. It was like a switch turned off in him, one day he loved me, the next I had no value or meaning to him....so he sent the email.

I will share the email (personal bits redacted for anonymity!)

I know you can see that things have changed in the last while. I have been giving our relationship a lot of thought in amongst everything else that is going on.

When I first met you things for me were great. I was in a very different place than I find myself today. I have told you things are difficult at the moment with the companies but if I am honest, they are really difficult. I have an awful lot on my plate.

I have thought very carefully about our situation and the terrible effect it has been having on those around me, namely you and DS. I have been trying to be upbeat and make it work but I am so engrossed in what I have going on, I do not feel that I am being fair to you in any way. I have reached the point where I do not want to do this anymore. I know that is not what you want to hear but I also think that you are probably not entirely surprised!

I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. This is not a reflection on you. I am constantly grumpy and incredibly unhappy right now. Unfortunately this is just the position I find myself in due to the current business climate but I am so preoccupied dealing with the businesses that it leaves absolutely no time for anything else.

I hope that we can remain good friends but I also understand that may not be a possibility.

Then he shows up at my door, several times from then...he calls me up one night and starts a sexually charged conversation, but won't let me come to see him...BTW at this point, I had not suspected an EA or anything! I was in shock!

I got that email in May. July 10 was when I realized that there was a lot more going on that what he had told me. I reeled after this night, and it took every ounce of resolve and willpower I had not to call him. One night around 10 p.m. I get a text from him out of the blue (around 2+ weeks later) telling me he got a iphone since his blackberry packed up! I was polite, but cool.

He decided to call me.

I spoke to him and we agreed to have coffee. When I met him for coffee, there was more BS about the business, not even anything new or different, just the same old stuff he had been teling me before the email, and after! I SMELLED THERE WERE MORE THINGS HE WASN'T TELLING ME, than the things he was.

What kills me is that all of this is SO INSULTING TO OUR INTELLIGENCE!

When my gut started telling me and my BS metre was dinging off the chart, I undertook some investigations of my own. Results, got enough info from his Twitter feed to make my gut wrench even more!

I made a decision for me, for my self-respect I took my ring off and put it away in my jewellery box. While I only had suspicions, they were enough to tell me he had been lying! Yes omitting to provide information is lying as much as words coming out of your mouth that are untrue!

I took his house key and a few memento's he had given me that were painful reminders of what I had but lost, for no REAL apparent reason! I took them to his house early one Sunday, left the box at his front door and left! There was no drama, no discussion, just a box of things that told him, I had had enough!

Get this....that night he texted me and said he had no idea why I left those things on his porch or why I didn't come in and have Tea! he ended up calling me and we had a very difficult conversation, I confronted him about the SA, and I even dropped SOW's name. He hung up on me shortly after that ....more texts, mostly from me, that went unresponded! The next day I sent another email....didn't dwell on the SEA/SPA but pointed out the inconsistencies with his professed reasons and that I did what I did for me. He emailed back (I think he even used the first "fuck off" email as a cut and paste, because so much of it was trite BS and contained a lot of the same BS as the first.

BTW all of this happened on the week before my 52 birthday (Happy fucking birthday to me!!)

On the Wed of that week, early at about 7:30 a.m. my front doorbell rang....I had been up most of the night, slept a total of 3 hours if that, and was trying hard to get some work done! It was him, he had a couple of baking dishes I must have left behind at his place, some pictures of our first vacation together, and a bag. My brain went into overload, my heart must have broken into a thousand pieces at that moment. I took the coffee he was holding out for me, and threw it so far, it landed on the road! I was not calm, I was in a state of hysteria! I ended up wailing on my knees with the front door of my house open ....He picked me up and carried me to the sofa and just held me until I calmed down ...to this day I don't know how long the whole thing took from start to finish!

We agreed to get together face to face to talk after this, because when I looked in his eyes after I finally calmed down, I saw that there was love there!

We met last Friday, it was very hard but I managed to keep my composure and resolve. I was firm but compassionate; calm and detached. I told him I was doing what I was doing to heal myself. He denied he was having an A (but his answers still were vague) When I let the dog out to have a wee, I noticed 2 pictures of children on his fridge (he hever once had a picture of anyone on his fridge) So I asked who are they???

he answered, oh they are that dealer's children, the one you asked me about, her kids gave them to me so I put them up! (that was his answer on the spot!) but my gut just churned with the deceit.

She's married, has 2 kids and her H probably has no idea what is going on, since my WXBF says he met the H too!

Anyway after getting through all of that, I got an email from his XCL (who I emailed before I delivered the stuff to his house) She said he told her some stuff, and Its probably not what I want to hear (sound familiar??) but I should pursue my own happiness and forget about XSWBF.

The timing was too coincidental to our meeting. Then when I replied to her telling her it was uncanny how her email sounded like he wrote it! She wrote back saying from her observation he appeared happy and focussed and that he just wanted to be his own man, he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore....(WTF did he give me a ring if he wasn't in for the long haul)

My reply was essentially, I am not going to concern myself with him anymore, I thanked her for her insight (not really anything I didn't already know) and wished her well.

I know I won't hear from him again, because I told him that I could not be friends with him, unless I understood that we could R somewhere down the road! I won't put in any time to help or assist as a friend, when there is no reward whatsoever to doing that, and furthermore, WHO TREATS THEIR FRIENDS LIKE THIS! short answer, No one who actually values friendship or has respect for their friendships!

All of which is to say, W's who don't want to put in the work are cowardly, they lack the insight into their own FUBAR emotions, they don't want to put in the work because they believe the AP is going to be the green grass they have gazed on but haven't been able to walk on!

In closing, my thought process was not FUBAR, my instincts told me to look behind the words and find the answers, my finding them caused me to have a nervous/hystical breakdown, but I needed to do that because I needed to get it all out!

I was only able to get this perspective once I had accepted that all was lost and I started to grieve for the loss, rather than bargain for R, chase the carrot dangled in front of me, and live in the delusional false hope that we could work it out if we were both willing! He wasn't willing and I wasn't going to punish myself anymore.

So here I am, moving into the acceptance and healing part (slowly)

Sorry for such a long venting post, I really just wanted to say, if both parties are committed to working through it, R is possible. R is not possible if the W continues to lie, continues to have his EA/PA or whatever it is, and there is no chance that T can be re-established.

We all live with shit, sometime we get more than our fair share in a short time. I say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

I am stronger today, and tomorrow I hope to get a little more strength. Its a long journey, and filled with all sorts of potholes and hidden obstructions, but if you have the right footwear on and keep going, you will survive!

Poster child for SI? All of us!

Take care and be well. I wish you all strength, perseverance and empathy in your daily struggle.

((((())))))

Want this to Stop

I recently filed for divorce due to WS' EA.

We've been married only a little over a year. Back in January (3 weeks after our formal church wedding), I came home to see he had a bubble message on his phone screen, and I recognized the woman - his HS sweetheart. I got very upset and asked to see his phone. The messages were fairly innocent. He was trying to get in touch with her and she gave him her new phone number. His excuse was that she was "going through a hard time and he was trying to help her out". I got pissed and went out to a club to blow off some steam. When I returned, he said he blocked her on Facebook and deleted her from his contacts. I felt better and was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I told him if I ever caught him communicating with her again, our marriage would be over.

Over the next several months, I noticed when I got near him and he was on his phone, he would close out whatever he was doing and put his phone away. We would be out on the back deck and he would go in to refill by drink, and I'd see him on his phone. Things just didn't seem "right", though I had no concrete evidence to go on.

I point blank asked him if he had texted her since January and he said he had not.

I decided to install a keylogger on his phone and that was when I knew what a liar he was. He was texting her all day long, telling her about stuff before he'd tell me, send her kissy face emoticons, the whole nine yards.

I called a locksmith, changed the locks, packed him a suitcase, wrote him a note telling him I knew he'd been seeing her and he had 30 days to get his stuff off my property.

The kicker is, he has never tried to make things right. He told his family he tried to work things out and talk to me, but that is a huge lie. He obviously is glad we are through. It hurts so much!

He was probably thinking I'd give him a no-fault nicey nicey divorce but that's not the case. I cited adultery and am asking for him to pay attorney fees and whatever else the judge feels I deserve.

I know I did the right thing, but it still hurts like hell.