SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@Copingmybest

Thank you. Sounds like we have a similar temperament! This is kind of the direction I'm going in honesty. For one, I find it difficult to be the domineering assertive guy, and secondly her nature doesn't respond well to that type of person anyway. I've left the ball in her court for now. I've explained my concerns, my feelings towards the lies and towards her involvement with this person but explained that I want to trust her. I've asked her to consider breaking off contact as it's the only way I see us moving forward. I've asked her to think about the situation if it was reversed. I don't feel that I can do anymore from my side, so I am starting to work on myself, think about my future and prepare to detach if/when she decides to tell me we are done for good. I've accepted that I cannot do anymore to win her back, or control her actions. I'm hoping some time apart gives her the space she need to really consider what she is throwing away.

@Cooley2here

Whilst it won't be easy, i'm certain if she wants out she will. She's an independent strong willed women!

I certainly wasn't a monster in the slightest. Although I think she'll admit that herself. I was a model husband in many ways probably doing more than most when it came to around the house and spending time with the family etc. My flaw and mistake has just been my romantic attentions towards her. I can see that, so whilst I do blame myself for that part of it i certainly don't take any blame for her choices afterwards. I agree, these were purely her actions.

Just trying to live day to day for now. I have an overwhelming urge to attempt to call her out further but I know that I just need to sit back now and protect myself and try to get over it.

She's not an amazing mother.

An amazing mother doesn't spend time away from her family, to send inappropriate pictures to another man. Pics that could wind up on the internet,some day,for her older kids to find.

She doesn't risk her children's family, happiness, and security, to have an affair.

She doesn't expose their father to possibly deadly stds.

An amazing mother sets a good example.

Cheaters are lousy parents.

Was she a good mom before the affair? Most likely.

Can she be a good mom after the affair? Sure.

But during an affair..absolutely not.

This is the same woman who stays out till 230 am,getting drunk with other men. That's not an amazing mom.

Many bs say the same thing in the beginning. But,over time,they realize that the cheater wasn't a good parent.

Is this man married?

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:15 PM, Wednesday, June 7th]

I've asked her to think about the situation if it was reversed.

My wife trusts me not to cheat with my female friends. I used to feel the same way about her male friends.

When you have one honest dealer, and one liar, putting the shoe on the other foot doesn't work.

To betray your trust, you have to give them the trust in the first place.

I've left the ball in her court for now. I've explained my concerns, my feelings towards the lies and towards her involvement with this person but explained that I want to trust her. I've asked her to consider breaking off contact as it's the only way I see us moving forward. I've asked her to think about the situation if it was reversed. I don't feel that I can do anymore from my side, so I am starting to work on myself, think about my future and prepare to detach if/when she decides to tell me we are done for good. I've accepted that I cannot do anymore to win her back, or control her actions. I'm hoping some time apart gives her the space she need to really consider what she is throwing away.

Look, I get it, you are dealing with a lot here and it is happening rapid fire, because just a few days ago you started this thread asking if we think she may be cheating and you all but have the smoking gun. I will tell you, the one thing that this place has taught me, which includes my personal experience, you cannot "nice" a cheater back. Cheaters only respond to strength and consequences. Your marriage is a partnership between two people and as much as you may want to go back to the way things were a few weeks/months ago before it was clear she cheated, you cannot. If anything, CandidAd brother, you need to find your anger and stand up for yourself in this marriage. I'm not saying this to be harsh, please don't take it that way, but you just more or less asked your wife to stop cheating and if she would be so kind to maybe not talk to her boyfriend, you know, if she feels like it and you even stated that you left it for her to decide.

My advice is that you see a divorce attorney now, come back to her with papers and let her know that you've decided that the marriage is over and she is free to be with whoever she wants, just not as your wife any longer. Then go make yourself a sandwich or go mow the yard, it really doesn't matter what you do, just walk out of the room and don't let her try and manipulate the situation any further. Your wife is having an affair, at the very least an emotional affair, and given how she is now a 20 something party girl staying out until the early morning, it is likely physical and here you are asking her to maybe stop cheating. You don't ask your wife to stop cheating out of the goodness of her heart, you demand that if she is going to remain your wife that she stop cheating, go no contact and be fully transparent with you, starting immediately or else you are going to divorce. I think having the divorce papers drawn up is the way to go to show her that you are dead serious about your demands. And just so we can get that out of the way now, demanding that your spouse not cheat on you, a promise that she made to you and all the witnesses as your wedding, is not controlling or manipulating, it's just enforcing what was a clear boundary to you both when you got married or better said, it's the bare minimum of a monogamous relationship.

Maybe it is because those of here on SI have seen this movie too many times, but I'm actually trying to keep you from coming back here in a few weeks/months from now and posting an update in this thread or starting a new thread that she used the trial separation to monkey branch over to her new boyfriend and she is deep in the affair now. This site was founded on the principle to get people out of infidelity and there are only two ways out of infidelity, reconciliation and divorce...and right now, again, kindly, you've taken neither of those paths and have chosen to separate while still remaining in infidelity, or a place we lovingly refer to as "limbo" and those of us who have done extended stays in limbo don't want to see you reside there any longer than is humanly necessary and from where I sit, it isn't necessary for you any longer.

I do get it. You all make some extremely valid points. I think I'm just still hurting too much in this moment and finding it difficult to come to terms with things and break free. I've just started medication, and I'm hoping that now I'm out of the coal face I can take a few days to gather my thoughts and compose myself with my support structure around me. I do appreciate the advice though, i just need to stand up, get my shit together and act.

[This message edited by CandidAd at 10:47 PM, Wednesday, June 7th]

I do get it. You all make some extremely valid points. I think I'm just still hurting too much in this moment and finding it difficult to come to terms with things and break free. I've just started medication, and I'm hoping that now I'm out of the coal face I can take a few days to gather my thoughts and compose myself with my support structure around me. I do appreciate the advice though, i just need to stand up, get my shit together and act.

Whatever you do, just know that this group will support you in your journey and we are here to help you as much as we can, when you are ready. Take care of yourself, maybe even a little self care like going, such as getting a massage or a spa day or something for yourself to destress, decompress, etc.

Personally, as I'm trying to provide any useful advice or console to you, I also feel like I'm telling you what I wish I had told myself at one point in the same journey, as the sooner I had acted, the sooner I would've been out of the mess. But I would be lying if I told you that the whole act of calling around to divorce attorneys, scheduling a consult and even going to the consult all felt a little dirty, when I was simply doing what was objectively the right thing for my situation. Looking back on it, I'm glad that I had this forum and some close friends offline who helped to nudge me in that direction, because knowing what a divorce would look like helped me chart a course through and out of infidelity.

Bumping per OP request.

Thanks!

I just wanted to add an update on the outcome to this situation for anyone who wanted to know, and also thank all those who offered advice.

I won't go into detail on all the happenings since my previous post, but the short story is that I found out she continued talking to this person behind my back, despite telling me she had cut off communication during attempts to repair our relationship. Despite this, she kept telling me she was unsure what she wanted. I caught her out when I re-enabled the camera on the house (Much to her disgust, calling me deceptive etc.) due to us taking the kids away for a week and the house being empty. On our return, I noticed someone coming and leaving at 2am the night before we went away, and then arriving at our house the night after we returned within 20 minutes of me leaving. (Currently living away from home)

I went to the house that night, knowing he was there and confronted them both, catching him trying to hide and her trying to stop me coming in. What makes it worse, is that he is 15 years younger than her, and only 5 years older than our eldest.
She still maintains it was purely a friendship, but after all the lies there is no way I can believe anything anymore. Even IF it was only a friendship, the lies and secrecy to this degree over the past months were not welcome in a marriage as far as I am concerned.

We've since agreed the marriage is over, and I'm currently initiating the divorce proceedings. I'm feeling in a really good place now, and actually excited about this next stage in my life.

So thank you for everyone for your advice and opinions. I'm out of the haze and now appreciate everything you have been saying, and can fully relate. This IS the right thing to do.

I hope anyone going through a similar situation can also find the courage and strength to stand up for themselves also.

[This message edited by CandidAd at 3:29 PM, Thursday, August 17th]

Despite this, she kept telling me she was unsure what she wanted. I caught her out when I re-enabled the camera on the house (Much to her disgust, calling me deceptive etc.) due to us taking the kids away for a week and the house being empty. On our return, I noticed someone coming and leaving at 2am the night before we went away, and then arriving at our house the night after we returned within 20 minutes of me leaving. (Currently living away from home)

I know you said the marriage is over, but the bullshit that this woman spews is still astonishing. She has the audacity to be upset that you checked the home security cameras, which make it clear she is having an affair and calls you "deceptive". I'm sorry, who was trying to sneak their AP over to the house for a late night rendezvous? Kind of the textbook definition of deception on that front.

She still maintains it was purely a friendship, but after all the lies there is no way I can believe anything anymore. Even IF it was only a friendship, the lies and secrecy to this degree over the past months were not welcome in a marriage as far as I am concerned.

Cheater's lie and lie some more. Yes, the AP was at your house late at night as a friend just to talk...because you know, it's 2023 and phone service is spotty after dark...I mean, he didn't come over that late for milk and cookies we know that much.

I know you said the marriage is over, but the bullshit that this woman spews is still astonishing. She has the audacity to be upset that you checked the home security cameras, which make it clear she is having an affair and calls you "deceptive".

I know right? On top of that, our doorbell camera normally arms to detect motion in the evenings. No motion was detected... when I called her out she admitted that she disarmed it whilst he left. Yet I'm the deceptive one, despite proving I actually had reason to do the things I did to expose the secrets she was keeping.

I'm so over it, and actually feel happy that I've stood up and called her out on this bullshit. Onwards and upwards!