SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When I turned the decision to reconcile over to God and prayed for his guidance, it was amazing the immediate peace. I don't have to think around corners, look down the road to every conceivable road bump and the damage it could cause various members of the family. I can just turn it over to God, let him show me the path. Its just being quiet and observant and not trying to interject what I want to happen.

Since my husband and I have been trying to slowly see each other as friends its amazing the ease and joy it is to be with him. I have let go of the hurt because we are trying to build a new relationship. I can do all things though Him that strengthens me...

Pray that I will be quiet and listen for his voice, I have a great force of will and proceed before I even know that I am pushing things through.

willowchef.....this is my current temptation to battle. To renegage my marital relationship in different but still controlling ways.

Kinda in a "yeah, God....you got this. But just in case here's what I'll do!"

BUT.....I've tasted that freedom you speak off, and am not going back into bondage. I'm just acknowledging the temptation remains.

My desires have changed yet I'm often tired.

Been wondering if that is consistent with the Gospel. Then I read about Jesus resisting temptation after he fasted. I suspect he was tempted....at the very least he had something to resist anyway. And when he resisted 3 times...Satan left him.

BIT that's not the end. This battle ends with mention of angles coming to tend to Jesus. Even Jesus required support....he was all man and all God.....but this verse shows his humanity.

And it gives me hope I am progressing as God desires....for the most part. Smile

If we can proceed healthfully and walking in line with Gods plan than I am willing to risk additional pain. If we re-enter our sick dance. Me shouldering all the responsibility of family, him hiding in the corner with his issues, that I know is not Gods plan for us.

We have been separated for about a month and a half, I feel comfortable whichever way God shows.

My worst fear the kids would suffer if he left didnt seem to come to pass. We all seem to be doing fine.

Still If I can work it out with the father of my children and my best friend for most of the last 20 years...that would be preferable.

It is hard to know Blakensteel I agree if it is Gods voice or interjecting our own agenda. I have spent much of my life getting things done whatever it takes, I never quit. It makes me a great manager, but I have to temper it. It was this whole infidelity problem that finally made me admit that I could not do all on my own and I had to beg for Gods help.

I had been predominately an obligatory Christian before that, yes I read the bible daily, I prayed daily. I didnt have a personal relationship with God, and I never felt saved.

This finally gave me that personal relationship. Sometimes especially early after DDay I prayed like 12-15 times a day. Everytime it was too overwhelming. So now I do feel like God has this, I just got to listen to what he is saying.

I also have to deal with my Codependant always being strong tendency and never letting anyone take care of me. It was a problem with my relationship with God and it was a problem with my relationship with my husband.

I also have to deal with my Codependant always being strong tendency and never letting anyone take care of me. It was a problem with my relationship with God and it was a problem with my relationship with my husband

yes.

I live reading on this thread you are all struggling with many of the same things as I am. I feel it's a constant battle to keep letting go stop my mind from trying endlessly to figure out where it all end and trust that He truly has it and is working all things for my good. I'm not a fan of having a questionable future I am sure not many are.

I must confess though I find myself jealous of most of you who seem to have willing spouses determined to find a way and even more than that spouses who are true believers. When I came to Christ 7 years ago (5 years into my marriage) I guess I thought that my husband would follow suit as soon as he could see how much more fulfilling life could be and was for me but he didn't it's been a very long 7 years I live with a man who is deeply engrossed in all kinds of darkness and sin and doesn't see it at all. All that sin and darkness led him into a Long term PA with another woman. It's almost too much to take but God has sustained me even through his ridicule of my Christian faith and my seeking Christian counsel. Every day is a new hurt this man remains mostly unchanged except for a few minor superficial efforts he still refuses to look at his behavior his life his choices and denies any need to change himself.

And my faith grows daily because Jesus is truly all I have in some moments and thank God He is all I need. Love and prayers to all of you and if anyone has any advice at all or experience with an unequally yoked marriage and infidelity I sure would be grateful to hear it.

Dm939....welcome.

Don't allow the spirit of envy to take root. Speaking only for myself, I tend to over-praise my wife and where she is at in her faith. We are very much struggling and I recently was made aware of dysfunction yet in my life....stuff I thought I was free from but am not.

My wife and I, we are NOT in the same spot spiritually......but I don't think that means either of us are closer to God. Don't think one is "ahead of the other". I'm certainly open to that idea but am also open to being the same distance but on different paths. Make sense?

This truth is that God wants an INDIVIDUAL relationship with us! I dig that.

I do cause I have two daughters. My relationship with them, how I RELATE to them couldn't be more different. One is quiet an modest, preferring a relationship that is characterized by slow walks and quiet board games.....the other is active and enjoys hard work and tasks, so we connect there.

BOTH are good relationships, neither is "better" than the other.....they are just individually different. The path to their hearts is different....and I patiently engage each in different ways to see and nurture the life in each of their hearts.

While I have 3 years longer with one, I don't love the other less. In their minds they are known equally by me, have the same confidence that I both love them and will fight for them. So, in essence, they know me equally.

I have hope that God is working in everyones life as he sees fit....atheist and life-time believers alike. I trust he will eventually open a door that each person sees as THEIR door to a deeper relationship with God, followed by another door......and cross through the final door to Heaven where his relationship with that individual is complete.

I do believe my path is going to have MANY doors....but a good friend of mine appears to have a path that has very few doors. Not many "ah-ha!" moments or particularly core-shifting events in his life. I see that as God, for his own reasons, has seen fit to change his relationship pattern with that man. I don't think his is easier than mine....in fact, I kinda DIG those "ah-ha!" moments..... a LOT!!!!

Still....struggles are real.

We don't need the bible for THAT truth...do we? Ugh....when a Pastor friend of mine reminds me of that and ONLY that during times of deep struggle I want to throttle him. (hey, God knows thats how I truly feel). Tell me the GOOD NEWS, not the stuff I can grasp on my own, by myself.

What the good news that the Gospel offers us is NOT "life will be a struggle, then you die, then you enjoy life in heaven". Goodness....thats a depressing message and not biblically-sound as it is a partial-truth at best.

NO...the GOOD NEWS is that even though struggles will be a part of life, the real truth is we have been rescued and we will be restored and made new again. NOT at some point in the future, NOT just when we get to heaven....but NOW! RIGHT NOW!

Thats really good news.

My struggle now is with CoD "grace and mercy" and healthy "grace and mercy" as detailed by Jesus's life.

What I still struggle with is real truth.

CoD = Grace and mercy - truth

Love = Truth + Grace and mercy

Brutality = Truth - Grace and mercy.

Trying to find that melding of truth and grace and mercy.

Its a struggle...but I have faith that God will open the door for me soon and I will see how to process the pain I am currently in.

I have faith and pray that same prayer for all adultery touches.

DM939- Nothing insightful to say, but I hear you. My husband is not really Christian and has also made fun of me (and gotten angry with me) for my faith. I can't tell you how often I pray for his conversion because I know real peace and happiness is only found through Jesus. It's hard feeling like i'm responsible for the spiritual direction of my children. It's hard to not be able to pray together or really even talk about God at all with him. So I pray and pray and pray. My conversion was only a year ago and was pretty much the least likely to go to church so I know if God found a way to reach me, he can reach my husband. But sometimes it's hard to be patient and know it's not my job to force conversion on him. And to be totally fair, since I started going back to church last August, the first Sunday he got mad and the kids and I went alone. The second sunday I asked him to come and he said no. As I was getting the kids out the door, without saying anything he came downstairs dressed and got in the car without saying a word. He's come to mass with us every week since. He does his best to make it look like he's taking a nap but maybe some of it's sinking in and I appreciate him coming. So strange things can happen. I firmly believe in the power of prayer and I pray regularly for everyone struggling here.

Thanks blakesteel I do hear you are saying and believe that God meets us where we are I love that about Him! My husband has no use for God he is his own God and doesn't obey anyone but himself. I have been praying for years for his eyes to be opened for his salvation and it saddens me so much to know that if he dies right now he will spend eternity in hell. I think often about Jonathan Edwards sermon about sinners in the hands of an angry God and my husband is exactly there. I pray for his salvation and an end to the torturous life I live here in my home I don't know how I have stayed this long I only know that it is Gods strength and not my own that enables me to do so.

Virginia regret Iit makes me so happy to know how God is working in your husband in this way there is no question that some of it is either sinking in or being stored away in the back of his mind for a later date. When I came to Christ it was the result of a memory of something someone had told me years and years before that moment and what a powerful memory it became! I have hope for you that something similar will take root in your husband that a small seed will be planted and will one day in Gods perfect timing grow into something amazing an beautiful.

God bless you all your support is a comfort to me tonight.

Dm939......man, I'm sorry. I assumed your husband was a believer not an atheist. That he and you were both ACTIVELY seeking God out but in different ways/paces.

I see that is not the case.

My response to you was based on that assumption.

I'd like to add, then, that God seeks us ALL out.......I know he found me.......when I stopped hiding within MYSELF.

Always believed in God....didn't believe in Satan, had a very me-centered world. It took ME coming to the end of myself to seek Jesus and my own path to God.

Still....I feel your angst and share some of it. Most of my family and FIL are non-believers. It pains me to learn that not everyone will go to heaven.......everyone COULD go but not everyone will go.

For about two years after DD my wife openly ridiculed me as I prayed......once in front of my oldest daughter as I prayed over her as I tucked her in. Man....that sucked. It's still tender. But it sounds like you continue to experience this.

It helped me process crap like that when I debunked the long standing myth of "Gods will is always happening".

NO....Gods will is NOT always done on Earth. We are asked to pray for it!!! Really think we would be told to pray this if Gods will IS done everyday, every moment on earth?

This is a fallen world....Satan has real power on earth through deception and temptation. He's NOT the complete opposite of God. Ha! He'd like to be, he thinks he should be.....and that pride and envy was his downfall.

No....it's not Gods will your husband has not accepted Jesus, wasn't Gods will my wife rediculed me early in my faith.....that's the evil one at work.

Captivating by Staci Eldredge has been reported to me as a solid book to comfort and grow women in faith. It profoundly opened the heart of my wife and continues to soften her bitter hard heart.

My wife and I share a common childhood experience....heart wounds that hurt us and gave Satan foot-holds. Result was a "if I'm going to be safe it's up to ME" stance. This coupled with hardening of the heart and a strong fears of intimacy and its little wonder our M was what it was.

Satan hates joy. Our hearts and families are "high value targets" because there is great joy in BOTH.

Find ways that nourish joy in your life....ways to invite God deeper into your heart.

It's scary....it can hurt a bit, but not as much as you may fear. CSA was revealed to me as a very real boyhood experience. Didn't know it until 30 years later. Details suck....but seeing the wounds is AMAZING!!! Cause once I saw them, felt the specific source of a long standing illusive ache I could heal!!! I could invite God very specifically I to that wound and ask for healing.

Inviting others in.

Into-me-see (intimacy)....that's what we are hard wired to seek. It's what I sought in porn, it's what my wife sought in adultery. Desire to connect and truly be known is GOOD!!!! Satan knows this and uses temptation to go about feeding that Gid given desire in really unhealthy ways.

Your desire to see those you love seek God and choose Jesus is GOOD. You've caught the attention of Satan and he's not going to flee without a fight.......and you've been hit by a serious weapon of his via your husband falling to temptation.

We've all been shot.....but we can all still fight.

To believe otherwise is to give Satan more footholds in your life. Resist.

Can't sleep and look who else is up and on SI?! Blakesteele - I have been meaning to post on your thread in R all week, but am here first.

Saying a quick prayer for all of us this early morning! Praying I can have understanding of FWH as he struggles with his self worth. We are both active in our faith but he just seems to not be able to accept he is forgiven. He went to a private session with our MC tonight and I was expecting him to come home happy, maybe? We are seeing a new MC who we really like and it feels like we are making some progress. Instead he didn't talk too much and seemed really down. Finally he said he is struggling that he hurt me so much he doesn't deserve to be with me. We both agree we have very limited intimacy and these feelings are getting in the way.

I feel confident that choosing to R was the right thing to do, but now what? Went for a long walk this evening talking to God and asking if D would relieve FWH of his feelings and give us both relief?

I know that God has blessed me with strength these past 4 years after DD to cope with the pain and craziness, but right now I am exhausted by it all. I am feeling I need to turn this struggle over to him, but how exactly?

Excuse my middle of the night rambling!

Hey PinkJeepLady! Been a long time.

When I discovered snap chat it hurt. Big time.....but the pain felt different. Fear was noticeably less present so was anger. What was present was profound sadness. A realization that I have not.....could not help my wife change. I know without a shred of doubt, guilt or shame that I expressed my raw naked feelings and that's it.

My wife chose to look for full time jobs with benefits and rental searches....without telling me of those actions either.

I had a convo with God FIRST. I have never heard from God as a "voice" but I did get a calming sense that left me with "okay Blake. She's intent on keeping you out. She feels choices that isolate her will get her the safety she desires. You and I both know the temptation that is and how utterly fruitless that venture is....but you gotta see that is what she chooses to believe."

"Yeah"

Sadness.

Sad cause real intimacy with my wife won't take place until she chooses to invite me in AND removes the "gotta get by myself" habitual choice out of her tool box.

Sad cause this is not behavior I want my girls to "catch".

Still......I had anger and fear, but it no longer has me.

"God....any clarity on my next choice. I don't believe you want families to fracture....but this pattern is what took my wife to adultery. I know I will handle that discovery much better should it happen again.....but what do I do NOW?"

No voice.....lots of quietness.....my mind trying to go to work, my classic VW and tasks with it. I refocused and listened.

Nothing.

Went to my shop and went to work in my Dub.

"Why don't you offer to help her find that job." Was a sense in me.

"What about our girls? I really like having their Mom be home and available to them"

"Yeah.....but somethings gotta change. She has lots of shame and guilt....her go-to pattern when stressed is the same. Let's give her what she wants. I did that for you....and, once you had "it" you discovered what I knew all along. That it was NOT your answer....I was."

"You do realize if she goes to work she will have more exposure to other men? she could cheat again."

"Dude....she cheated when she had very limited exposure to men."

"Yeah."

"Look....approach her with this. Things aren't well in your M. Right now, no matter what her words say, her actins show that she feels YOU are the reason she does what she does. You are felt to be why she chooses to isolate and choose intimacy destroying, family fracturing choices. Her heart is deeply wounded.....I'm at work in her, she's invited me in but there is much healing to be done. Go to her with this."

So I did.

Her words ssid I wasn't the issue, nor was how I expressed my feelings. She didn't know why she chose as she chose. I said I need to know. She said she understood.

In the mean time how about we figure out how to get you what you feel you need to be safe....a full time job so you don't feel trapped?

Said she didn't feel trapped that it was just her go-to choices. I understood....and suggested we make that choice a reality together.

She declined.

"God....what now?"

......waiting.

Shame and guilt have a very short constructive shelf life. Left un-tended to they will start a rationalizing process that will lead those unable to break free from them into further shaming and guilty choices. I've seen this in porn cycles.....and seen my path free from this was to invite others in. To put the crap you don't want seen out there for others to see. It WORKS!!!

I've also seen one of my go-to guys isolating himself from us. I called him out on it.....not in shameful guileful ways but in ways the program guides me too. Sure enough....he had slipped and was using again. He felt shame and guilt....that was keeping him from reaching out to us.

I feel like I will find another affair. But that feeling doesn't have me talking to an attorney. Attorneys are for facts.....besides, I've spent time with an attorney and know what the process is and am acutely aware of my next legal step.

I see clearly how I have so little influence on my wife.

"No matter how good an influence you are on others, their truth is the same as it is for you. They need God in there lives too."

Longish post.

Good to hear from you PinkJeepLady.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:59 AM, July 8th (Friday)]

I need to spend time on this thread, when I have more time!

Good stuff!

Hey CanoeVA....glad to hear from you too!

Good morning all!

I just wanted to say hello. I either didn't know or forgot this thread existed, and boy, and I am excited about it!

Blessings to all, and I look forward to praying for and with you all!

Greetings all! I just wanted to chime in on a struggle I've been having lately...it relates to DM and Virginia's situation! And maybe new perspectives can help me!

My STBX has never been a religious or even spiritual person. Throughout our entire M, he never showed any interest in Christianity, God or anything related. Embarrassingly, I hid my prayers from him b/c I always got the impression he didn't really put any weight in spirituality and avoiding the topic was easier for me. I have regrets about how I handled this but that's a different story....

Since dday, STBX's stance has suddenly changed. He's suddenly found God, has gone to church (at least a few times), his best friend is now a missionary. And on the surface, I should be happy about this - grateful, happy for him, etc. But I'm really struggling with that. It feels like he suddenly picked religion b/c it teaches that God is forgiving, that all sins will be forgiven. STBX forwarded me an email yesterday that was a story about how God forgives all sins (he sent and said similar things right after dday). And although I want to be graceful about this, I can't help but feel he's throwing it in my face. It feels like a 'see, God forgives me, you're an awful person for not forgiving me' or 'see, I'm not that bad, I've asked for forgiveness'. And so I find myself regularly angry that he seems to be using religion as a pass, it's only something he's interested in b/c it's suddenly self serving for him.

I welcome all perspectives on this, I'm really trying hard to be at peace with it. It's not really my place, we're in the middle of a D and we talk very little. It just stings. How can I not take this so personally??

Peace to all!

The single greatest threat to the true Gospel is.....religion.

Janis Spring has a great book on forgiveness....helped me see through the religious line of crap that was going to keep me in my CoD pattern.

I'm glad God has opened a door for your STBXH.....I hope he walks through it and to the next. And I mean that....hope is GOOD. The Gospel is FULL of hope.

Rock on.

Blakesteele, thanks for sharing your insight on "inviting" someone into your life. I have been asking my FWH to "reach out" to me with not much success. Today I explained it as "inviting" me into his life and he said he could understand that. Hopefully I will see that he gets it?

SADNESS, I hear that! I worry that it is oozing right out of me and people can see it. I have such a sadness that things aren't better than they are. I had such high hopes.

What a struggle, so true we can't change/fix someone else. There is a pile of books (I bought) on his nightstand that could be helpful, some partially read, not much discussed. He prays with me daily for us, but I don't think he sees himself as part of the solution.

I am feeling that I need to talk to my spiritual leader for some advice. Maybe that's an answer to my constant prayers on what to do.

Rosie- bless your heart! I am glad you feel safe in sharing those unsettling feelings about your STBX. I do believe that it's never too late for folks to find God/the gospel, but I do know what you mean about it being a "convenient" time. All are welcome to come unto Christ at anytime, yah you will just have to find a way to not take his timeframe personally! Always easier said than done!

Praying for a calm, peaceful weekend for all of us! Praying that my FWH will invite me in so I can feel that connection I long for. Such a simple thing in my mind, but the lack of connection is becoming my breaking point.

Thanks for listening.

Like this discussion!!!

Calm AND peaceful....that's wonderful and I was blessed to feel that tonight as I wade fished with my older brother. Bee doing that for 40 years now. So calm so peaceful.

But the two don't always have to be present for peace to exist.

I had a sense of peace about me when I discovered snap chat. I was NOT calm but the sense of peace had me grounded and NOT making choices that would actually erode the peace I felt.

Then I discovered the job search/rental house search actions of my wife......tempted to choose actions that would destroy peace. Instead, I reached out and invited others in. By doing so they helped me stay grounded and peaceful.

I'm away for the weekend with my brother. Could my wife be choosing destructively. Yes.....but she might not be either.

Only a fool lets regrets of the past and worries of the future steal the peace of the present.

Oh.....and that buying books, finding MC's and retreats for the WS? Guilty here too....but that guilt has no power in my life any longer. I did as best as I could then.....I know better and am choosing better now.

And isn't that what sanctification and restoration is about?

Keep the faith. Challenge mine. It's okay to doubt God, even get angry with him. Bitterness and hardening of your heart is what we need to be cautious of. For if we allow that we effectively reduce our ability to invite God and others into our lives.

How was the fishing Blakesteele? Sounds pretty peaceful!

I too feel it's very possible to feel Gods peace when things around you aren't really calm. We had some good moments of peace and calm this weekend, what a bonus!

We had a short visit after church with our religious leader who has been just so helpful to us in R. He was giving a bit of advice and mentioned to my FWH about "talking deeply and passionately to your best friend". To be honest my first thought was who is FWH's best friend?! Was he talking about me?! Of course he was, inside I was churning but just smiled and nodded. On the way home I asked FWH how he felt about that advice and he just said "good". I was so hoping for a little more dialogue......

Our leader also mentioned how hard FWH has worked to make changes for good. It's true he has, but I am praying for a closer, intimate relationship. I know sitting in church we outwardly look happy and close. I am thinking of meeting with our leader by myself to tell him how I really feel.

I would like to leave you wonderful folks with John 14:27 tonight "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Praying for our hearts to not be troubled and we feel that inner peace that keeps us moving forward!

I think it would be a good idea to meet with your religious leader separately, PinkJeepLady. It has been my observation that the church community that I'm familiar with, at least, is quick to get to the "forgive and forget" mode. Often there seemed to be comments like see how hard he/she is working, how sorry they are, how repentant they are. This can be for other things than infidelity, too. Dr. James Dobson, in his book "Love Must Be Tough" warns of this and adds that it is destructive. I add that it piles on more trauma for the BS.

All this is done with good intentions and "doing God's work", IMO. But, to me, it revicimizes the victim. Let the leader know about the churning inside, PinkJeepLady. The reply "good" from FWH wasn't very deeply and passionately, was it, and must have been disappointing. I know the feeling.

My prayers go out to you, PJL, and for your FWH that you can get what you need from your marriage. But mostly I pray for continuing to feel more and more peace.