SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And how did he respond?

He swore on his sons life and said he would do everything in his power to make me trust him again. He was crying, I was crying. He says, and has said, from initial discovery, he understands how uncomfortable it must feel. He said again that he just didn’t think I was interested in what he did at work, because his ex wife never was. I reminded him I’m not her, and that it’s unfair to not give me that chance, or think I’m capable of it.

I honestly don’t know what more I can do. I’m protecting myself and have made MY timeline.

What work stuff? Why him? Is he a supervisor or in some sort of position where he routinely mentors coworkers? And since when is 'babe' used in a business setting?

He works in retail in a part of the industry where he liases with various stores and is constantly managing ego’s from staff.

Babe is not appropriate in a work setting at all. That is my boundary. However, this woman’s existence in his life pre dates mine, and the texts I saw with the word ‘babe’ mentioned were pre us meeting.

After that it wasn’t used, but the continuing contact still has me uneasy.

So you mean he's been calling her 'babe' before you two even met? If that's the case, he should have straight up told you from day one that there's a girl she calls 'babe' from the office and she's been calling her like that since the beginning of time.
He shouldn't have waited for you to find out to tell the story.

I found out 2 months ago that my husband has been meeting up during the course of his work day with a female colleague for regular coffees. This in itself doesn’t concern me, the flirty texts and not hearing her name mentioned once in passing does though.

They haven't met for coffee since March, is that when she quit the company?

It's just plain weird that she knew him before he met you and he never brought up her name, since she was such a good friend, not just coworker.

It's just plain weird that she knew him before he met you and he never brought up her name, since she was such a good friend

Hence why I’m struggling. I’ve laid my boundaries. I have to let it play out, and see where I’m at at the 90 days now.

Your husband is not alone with respect to questionable boundaries that expose his marriage to unintended infidelity.

To make the discussion more educational vs accusatory (for him) I suggest you both should read and discuss: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass

It's based on a study of couples ('good' people that didn't intend to be unfaithful) that experienced infidelity. How it happened and what boundaries can protect a marriage.

Maybe make it a discussion topic over wine. BTW: it's not just about this OW - but how can we both avoid exposing our marriage to infidelity.

Inform him that the discussion doesn't imply that you don't trust him but rather recognizes that human beings are hardwired to bond emotionally and physically with others. Therefore, the boundaries protect us by keeping us off nature's slippery slope leading to infidelity.

If he concludes it does not apply to his behavior then that's more evidence he's high risk.

He swore on his sons life and said he would do everything in his power to make me trust him again. He was crying, I was crying. He says, and has said, from initial discovery, he understands how uncomfortable it must feel. He said again that he just didn’t think I was interested in what he did at work

But what did he say about "babe?"

From what you wrote, he will make you trust him again...what in his mind did he do to make you not trust him? The texting/emailing? Meeting for coffee?

What exactly does he think makes you feel uncomfortable? What is he going to do about it?

Why does he mention your interest in work and not your interest in "babe?"

There is something missing that you need to know and that is their precise relationship. Old friends? Former FWB? Former lover/present bestie? Is she still his go to girl for coffee?

Old platonic friends means you probably should respect their relationship. Former FWB is treading on thin ice.

Former squeeze turned into justafriend? In that case it sounds like something one or both of them has a hard time ending.

Are you sure it ended in March?

I did something that made me feel intensely uncomfortable but also bought a huge amount of relief last night… I checked his phone. I found nothing. Between that and the various other methods I’ve been using to check, I’m 99% sure it’s stopped.

I won’t be letting my guard down any time soon. And the other methods I have of checking are still on play, but between the way he has been with me, and my ‘security blanket’ of protection in generating, I’m feeling better about it all.

There’s only one area I’m still trying to figure out, and that’s snap chat. That app has always made me uncomfortable, even for y own use.

For the first time in a long time I’m starting to hope that my boundaries and my intentions around them are clear to him.