SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So mixed in among the pain, sadness, rage, and sometimes a glimmer of hope, is humor. I think I’ve always liked to make jokes about serious subjects, even when it comes to me. I think it would be helpful to me to share some things about my nightmare that, well, made me laugh aloud in the last week or so. Any of you find something bitterly humorous about what you went through, at the time it was happening?

First example is the Father’s Day card. As background, since the kids have been old enough to make their own cards, on Mother's day and Father's Day the Kids typically make a card themselves, and my Wife and I give each other a separate card. These cards usually express love to be in a relationship with such a great mother/father and how much we look forward to the future, and is always signed with our first name They were personal, one-on-one expressions of our feeling towards the other parent in our marriage partnership.

This year, during the Father’s Day presentation of Gifts, my oldest daughter handed me a card. As I open it, my Wife says “ It's from all three of us; I couldn’t find the right card form me and then I ran out of time”. The card was signed “we love you, [daughter 1], [daughter 2], and Moma”. As the presentation was over and everyone went back to what they were doing, I thought, well of course you couldn’t find the right card, Hallmark doesn’t make a “Hey-you’re- a-good-guy-and-a-great-father-but-I’m-in-love-with-our-Pastor” Card…and I burst out laughing. My wife turned and looked at me, then thought better of asking. I had to leave the room, I was afraid I would not be able to stop laughing.

Next example, Friday night my wife was just so sour. You could feel how resentful she was just to be in the same house with her husband and her family. Of course, I’m trying to be the good man, demonstrating the kind of person I can be, being patient with the kids, giving her compliments on her dinner, cleaning up around the house, being cheerful. The harder I tried, the sourer she got. By 9 o’clock the look on her face was so pinched that when she didn’t see me looking at her, I burst out laughing. She whipped around, and said, what’s funny? Oh, just something that happened at work today (then I made up some BS) and laughed some more.

The next morning I was out for a run. My thoughts were pretty black, in fact I was mentally projecting forward to her taking the kids and moving out. The thought struck me that she has no furniture (we gave away practically everything we had when we downsized last year to move into a furnished place). In particular, she had a nice king-sized bed that she owned before we even met and had up until last year. I wondered what kind of new bed she would buy. Then I started laughing…see, the Pastor’s a big guy, at least 6’3” and probably pushing 300 lbs. My wife is still sexy, but she has a few extra kilograms on her, too. The thought of the two of them bouncing up and down on that bed should have made me sick to my stomach, but I almost fell down I was laughing so hard thinking about what a beating that poor bed would take.

And finally, yesterday as we’re getting ready to go to church, I’m writing out a check for the offering and get to the memo line on the check and start cracking up. Because I feel like writing, “So the Pastor stays away from my Wife”. Of course I don’t, but it gave me a kick anyway.

Now back to my regularly scheduled program of crying, not sleeping, and barely eating.

what steps are you taking to blow up ww fantasy world?

also, hang onto the gallows pole humor :)

Rather than re-writing the entire thread, the steps I am taking are:

1) Gathering more evidence

2) Proving change in lifestyle by the passage of more time and two visits with family (her's and mine)

3) Trying (without playing the "pick me" game) to demonstrate the kind of Husband and Father I am.

The blow up happens in about 3 weeks. During most of that time, BTW, she and I and the kids will be out of town, away from her "distraction".

I haven't commented in a little bit but I wanted to give you a word of caution. I get what you're doing and, believe me, I truly understand that everyone has to do what's in his/her own best interest.

That being said I am not a proponent of waiting/watching when an affair has not yet potentially gone physical. Here's why:

How are you going to feel if you find out that it was during these next 3 weeks that your wife and this guy finally decide to go for it? How are you going to feel knowing that you could have stopped it from going physical but, by waiting, you gave them enough latitude to cross that line?

Again, I appreciate what you're doing but, as the saying goes around here, you can't unfuck the donkey.

Once that line gets crossed (if it does) things are going to get a whole lot more complicated. There is no way in hell that I'd be waiting for my wife to potentially go sleep with another guy.

Just sayin'.

Simple. During the next few weeks my kids are out of camp..She'll either be with them or with me when we're in town, and as I just said, we won't be in town much. Unless a three hundred pound guy can hide in her suitcase and emerge nightly after I go to sleep, it ain't getting physical. Also, I repeat that my intel makes it almost certain she has not even talked to this guy about how she feels yet. I appreciate the advice, but I have more to lose if I pull the trigger too early.

[This message edited by dancedad at 10:10 AM, June 26th (Monday)]

I'm going to say some things. I mean them as gently as I can. I'm sometimes not good at gentle, though. I'm not trying to argue. I am trying to say what I see and offer to you some other ways to think.

Something people do is become invested in their ideas. It seems to me that you are very invested in your plan. Perhaps so invested that you can't see (or accept?) that there are other ways of doing things.

1) You're gathering more evidence. Why? You have all the evidence that you need to confront your wife with the _fact_ that she is having, at the very least, an Emotional Affair on her part with this other man.

2) Very gently, you're doing the right things (fixing you) for the wrong reasons (it seems like from reading your posts).

You are improving dancedad. That is hard, wonderful, marvelous, and your kids, your relationships with your kids, your relationships with others, will benefit from you improving you. Hard thing, congratulations!

You are improving you, so you said, to demonstrate to _her_ that you're "good enough." Now, I had this same problem back in my JFOs. The problem is is that you _are_ playing the "pick me" dance if you are changing you with hopes of changing her mind.

I understand because I did the same damned thing. The details are a bit different between our two cases -but- the desire was the same. You are (and I was) trying to control the outcome. You're trying to put her into the position of picking him (and unknown quantity) vs. picking you _over_ him. You are trying to get her to notice your improvements and choose her M and family over leaving for another man.

Instead, change you because you want to change for the better. Read up in The Healing Library, BS FAQ, item 11, The 180. The 180 _isn't_ to force her into a "pick dancedad" thing, though, it is to help you get some much-needed mental space so that you can make better decisions about whether you want a woman who has such poor boundaries that she _can_ fall in love with another man while she is still married to you.

There's another thing that is tripping you up, here. That is - this is all new to you, you're so few days out from DDay. She, on the other hand, has been withdrawing from you for some time. She's like, oh, six months ahead of you on separating mentally from a partner (you).

For her boundaries issue she needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair", a book by Linda J MacDonald. There is a free one on her web site, you can add "PDF" to the title above and search for that and you should find the Mini-Books section of her web site. You should read it, too, to know what sort of things that you should be expecting from your W if she comes around.

Same web site, same section, the other free Mini-Book is something like "Who Will You Become?", which is a book asking Waywards exactly who they want to be when they grow up and act like adults. She should read this, again, if she ever comes around.

Another good book is an in-print book by Dr. Shirley Glass, "Not 'Just Friends'". This one is a really good book concerning "Just Friends" and Boundaries that people should have.

Something else to talk about is that all people develop things called "Mental Models" of everything and everyone that they interact with.

Examples:

My mental model of a snake is, "crawly round thing that gets all bitey and is poisonous." I stay away from snakes as a result. A herpetologist, OTOH, has a much more complete "snake" mental model and he knows which ones are non-poisonous and how to handle the poisonous ones.

A lot of people have a mental model of a car as "put gas in it and it goes. Every once in a while it makes horrible noises and off to the mechanic it goes." A mechanic, OTOH, has a much more complete mental model of drive shafts and crankshafts and camshafts and lifters and valves and suspension and... you get the idea.

Now for mental models of people. What we do is meet someone and, basically, judge whether or not we want to spend time around them based upon first impressions. We watch what they do and start building our model of the other person. When we haven't seen a particular action (like falling in love with someone else and cheating) we sort of paper over that hole in observations with how _we_ would act, or how we think that someone would act based upon how we feel about the other person. If we like the other person then we think that they'll act pretty well, if we don't like them the we usually assume that they'd be an ass.

Your mental model of your W did _not_ include the way that she got herself into her current situation. You're having the same problem as those folks in TV News interviews who say, "Little Billy would never set the orphanage on fire!" when Little Billy was found, a bit singed, with a gas can in his hand and matches in his pocket right outside the burning orphanage. And there were witnesses to him pouring the gas and lighting it. Also, pictures and film.

Tear down that mental model of your wife and start rebuilding it based upon her actions. Her actions are that she copes with problems by not talking about it, withdrawing from the other person, and then "falling in love" with someone else. She does this not to _solve_ problems, but to escape from them. Because either she assumes that working on it will be hard or because she simply can't envisage what working on it consists of. Irregardless, she solves problems by avoiding them and those are some horrendous coping skills that she's got going on there.

You, dancedad, want a particular outcome. You are invested in it. You are so very invested in it and how to get it that you're not willing to really consider other possible solutions.

You have enough evidence. You cannot control the outcome because your W is a free agent. She could decide tomorrow to just leave just like weeks ago she decided to distance herself from you and then convinced herself that you're such a monster that she just _has_to_ fall in love with someone else to solve her problems.

Frankly, dancedad, we've seen your approach before. Hell, I _used_ it before. It doesn't work.

The best advice that I can give you is that you sit her down and tell her what you know. Then you give her 24 hours to decide if she's all-in with you or not. As her H you have the right to expect that she is either all-in or all-out, not some sort of blameshifting, sitting on the fence bullshit while she figures out "her feelings". As a wife she shouldn't be having these feelings. That is _all_ on her.

So don't let her blameshift, don't let her deflect into "you invaded my privacy!", don't "give her time" or try a "trial separation" (which just gives her free time to mope over Pastor Bob). Tell her you know, you've got proof, and she's got 24 hours to decide if she wants to be committed to the vows that she took -or- she gets out, free to do whatever she pleases.

She's lost respect for you, dancedad. Frankly, the best way to get her to respect you (a man) is to be tough. Not hit-her tough, but take a stand and keep it tough.

EDITED

from She's lots respect to She's _lost_ respect. Bad typo, bad.

[This message edited by devotedman at 1:54 PM, June 26th, 2017 (Monday)]

I like your plan. It's a good idea to.take away in advance her narrative as to why she would leave you or have an affair.

dancedad, my questions a few posts up were not because i was too lazy to read your thread. they were designed to make YOU ask yourself these questions, have a little thi k about the situation, and come up with (on your own) more or less what devotedman then proceeded to post.

you should read his post a few times. really think about it. he nailed it.

Hey man. I want to stop in and say I totally get the insane humor thing. That was me for a long time.... If it stopped.

You ain't alone here and no matter what batshit crazy things you might be feeling and thinking, we've been there. Or here. Or... well you get it.

Side notes for the emotional overload. .. A journal helped me the most. Also didn't hurt to start tracking the time with the kiddos for worst case scenario.

Exercise helps a lot too.

In your shoes, I'd also recommend looking into the 180. We got info on that in the healing library.

So honestly, what's going on in your head?

Hi,

I'm sorry you're going through this and your life's a mental and emotional roller coaster. I appreciate your desire to please God through offering, attending church, etc., but it's interesting that the human shepherd of the church has issues that requires counsel.

I'd aim to find another Christian counsellor who is not going through a separation to sit down with you and help carry your burden; he may be a source of communication and may be able to help clarify the difficulties to you two are going through. Jesus said to the crowd who was about to publicly execute an adulteress that 'he, who is without sin, should cat the first stone; I think it may be better to enlist spiritual aid from a reputable counsellor who can help you both work out your wayward hearts in order to strengthen the marriage you began.

Praying for a good resolution.