SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like a mess...what the hell am I doing playing happy couples? The reality is she not only f&#& one of my friends for a year and a half but she fell for him.

Shouldn't I just pull the pin and call it a day? We have no kids (apparently her IC and WW have agreed that the affair was yet another delaying tactic to stop this) and WW didn't care about me or our relationship history so why should I?

How am I ever supposed to forgive this? Why should I even try?

Seriously - what kind of person does this to another? Certainly not the one I fell in love with years ago...

All great questions, my brother. I had to ask them of myself, when I discovered that the love of my life, my sun and moon, my spring in the desert, was having sex with a close friend of mine.

Read the library, read the forums, consider getting IC, and the right answers will come to you eventually.

Thanks for everyone's replies - they are helpful...

NSH - how do I know if we are starting R? And whether or not it is a false R?

Everything you say about WW having to work on herself and then the marriage is exactly what she has been telling me. When she does say this I feel as though it shows a lack of commitment (my opinion however wrong it may be) especially as she tells me she wants to be together but is not sure that will be the outcome.

So, being completely egocentric, why should I wait around after I've already been hurt to be hurt again?

I just feel like I'm the one who is risking it all and WW gets to do whatever she wants...

She also seems to show little empathy for me - which is concerning for me considering what she has done.

I don't know...just typing as I think of things. I have started a journal which did help. Just angry, confused, hurt, disappointed and sad that this is where we are after decades together.

So, being completely egocentric, why should I wait around after I've already been hurt to be hurt again?

I just feel like I'm the one who is risking it all and WW gets to do whatever she wants...

She also seems to show little empathy for me - which is concerning for me considering what she has done.

I don't know...just typing as I think of things. I have started a journal which did help. Just angry, confused, hurt, disappointed and sad that this is where we are after decades together.

They are important questions. Have you asked your WW them? Has she given you answers you're able to believe?

BryBry,

I understand not wanting to wait around to see what the outcome is of your wifes healing, especially when she does not know the outcome.

Give it time.

Time to heal yourself.

Time to feel good about yourself.

Time to realize that her A has nothing to do with you.

Time to realize that no matter what happens you will be just fine.

And tell your WW just exactly you are doing. Let her know how you feel. Tell her what you are using IC and time for.

Hopefully she will fully realize what she has done and make it up to you.

But remember this, no matter what happens you will be just fine.

HM64

Just an update at week 10 after Day...WW has started showing both signs of remorse as well as empathy...perhaps she isn't a succubus from hell.

I have asked her if she is still seeing MOM and she insists no - she is committed to fixing our relationship and has no desire to pursue any other.

I can't help but think where was this attitude prior to the A? If she'd shown this dedication we wouldn't be where we are. I am still struggling with the whole thing on so many levels..does this mean we are starting Recovery/Reconciliation?

Hi BB,

I just wanted to let you k ow you have been heard.

Quite frankly, (and I have read many horror stories on SI, including my own), I believe a double betrayal has just got to be the worst pain imaginable. I am so sorry the 2 people closest to you have done such an awful thing to you. ((((BB))))

The only way to know, for sure the A has ended, and the WS is truly remorseful is to ask them to take a polygraph. Simply, their answer to that question will tell all.

No, R has not started.

What it means is that your wife is starting to come out if the fog.

It also means she is starting to understand her level of the betrayal as well as the damage to your marriage.

Keep watching for signs of remorse. Verify that what she tells you is truth.

And seek the help of a pro if you both wish to R.

It takes two of you to fix the marriage.

Do not rush to any judgement or conclusions. You still have months of work ahead of you.

Especially after a 2 year affair.

If she doesn't want children, is this a deal-breaker for you?

If she suddenly decides she does, could you trust she truly wants a child, or is using this as a last-ditch effort to smooth things over with you? Even under the best of circumstances, a small child entirely shakes up a marriage and forever changes a relationship between a couple, assuming you aren't wealthy with a staff of nannies. A child needs constant attention and planning for and around just to carry out routine errands, and can't be carted around everywhere you wish to go, no matter what the magazines tell you. (An infant will scream in agony during the loud "coming attractions" even if you wish to see a movie.)

And if a child is like mine, has sleeping disorders through infanthood through now, it can be 24/7. Studies show older sperm, older eggs seem correlated to ADHD, autism. Could either of you handle that risk? things to think about and discuss. How your daily life would be affected, even pretend you have one for a week and rush home at a certain hour from work, set an alarm clock and pretend a baby "went off" in the middle of the night, crying, with teething. Pretend you can't even read the paper and have coffee at a coffeeshop because the 1-year-old is too active to sit there long with you.

So the two of you need to work out this issue as well as the affair. It's possible the affair wasn't about the child issue at all. If she needs male attention to measure her self-worth, which is a common problem where society insists that sexual appeal is all women are, even in today's world, then you perhaps need to rewind your memories and look at her choices and character and make sure this is her affair, and she hasn't had others.

It's possible she's having a 30something crisis, which is similar to a midlife crisis males have more in their 40s, 50s.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:21 AM, September 15th (Saturday)]

Depression is something else to consider. There are women who react similarly to males with depression, that rather than get the blues, they try to find stimuli to avoid thinking and to not feel uncomfortably numb or blue.

Sometimes this is constant exercise, from running to hiking or golf or whatever preoccupies the mind so it won't think.

Sometimes this is an affair.

I didn't read your whole story regarding your desire to have children, but my advice is whatever you do...do not at this time think having a child will fix your marriage. In fact it will most likely cause the opposite. Let her stay on the course of fixing herself, if she truly wants to. In a way you have a lot less to worry about without children right now. You can walk easily if you want to. Children will complicate matters 1000% I guaranty it. I myself went through what you did. Feel free to read my profile. I know the blameshifting and the rewriting of marital history. First she said she wasn't happy the last three years. Then it was the last four years, then eight years. Finally I stopped her and asked..."Were you at least happy on the wedding day?".

So we are at week 11 and things seem to be going OK. WW has described the affair as her issue - it was the stupid thing (it annoys me that she talks as though it was once - the physical side would have gone on dozens of times) and it was to delay having a baby and to feed her ego. Basically a midlife crisis.

I still struggle with this everyday- the fact the person I trusted most in the world made this decision to betray me, the MOM also betrayed me and what they have done physically that my WW was not willing to do with me (even though I had asked prior to the A.)

Every time I look at her this is what I feel or think about. It has REALLY been getting me down. But I think I need to stop being the victim. I need to start telling WW this is what I want for my life.

WW shows more remorse everyday but I do think - if we go on, have a family, go on holidays, stay together - what has she lost? She has gotten to f&%$ someone for two years and her life is back on track. I know I just need to accept that affairs aren't fair and this is the way it is...but it shouldn't be.

The thing is I believe her and still love her.

Rambling again.... sorry.

One question:

I still struggle with this everyday- the fact the person I trusted most in the world made this decision to betray me, the MOM also betrayed me and what they have done physically that my WW was not willing to do with me (even though I had asked prior to the A.)

If you R, is your WW willing to do those things with you now that she did them with OM?

If only to allow you to reclaim territory?

IMO There can be nothing said & done with OM that she isn't willing to allow you to also do. This would help and prevent that being something special or exclusive with OM.

PR

I am concerned that you have a MC that is telling you that you need to let this go. All because they are a MC does not mean that they are versed in infidelity recovery.

The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is very good.

bry....

Just an update at week 10 after Day...WW has started showing both signs of remorse as well as empathy...perhaps she isn't a succubus from hell.

Dude....dont rush this...it takes time...a long time...at minimum - several months. Be patient....as guys we like to fix things - her decision to cheat on you is hers to fix - not yours. She needs to do the "right things" on her own....and you cant rush it!

she is committed to fixing our relationship and has no desire to pursue any other.

this is good, bro...however...verify that there is NC...do NOT put your head into the sand...the wall of trust gets rebuilt one brick at a time - over time....can you moniter cell phone records??

Are in any contact with the other BS??

Is your W in any IC to determine why she chose to cheat on you in the first place??....this needs to be addressed - ya'll need to find out why this happened.

Her affair was no accident...it was planned, carried out, covered up, lied about....and repeated over time....WHY is important. I call these - pre-affair issues...and pre-affair issues are the root cause behind her decision to cheat....and bro, this is a long drawn out process - it will not be fixed with a couple of trips to a MC....it takes alot of work on her part....

keep us posted....

Bufffalo

Have you told the OM's wife? Regardless of what you think you will ultimate decide to do with your R you should definitely tell OM's wife.

OM's wife deserves to know and they rarely just stop an A. They have the intention to stop and they do for awhile but without closure they will reach out to each other again. Telling OM's wife might stop that from happening.

Good luck

Just to answer a few Q's:

W and I are doing IC as well as MC

OMW knows though we don't talk any more - OM has moved back home.

Had a bit of a reality check over the last couple of days - asked WW about her reasoning to stay with me which were given as I'm a good man and we have such a history together. No mention of actually caring for me. I told her that neither of us should settle and there are plenty of good men out there. Also that the history didn't make a difference when she started the A.

Also,

Also asked her to put herself in my spot - she couldn't. Not that she can't imagine how bad I must feel but that she has little to no feelings. Around me doing the same as she wouldn't care.

Here I was thinking we were getting somewhere....

Finally, I've read here and been told by the MC and WW that this is all about her and nothing about me. How do you all convince yourself of that? Surely the fact that the A was going to have a major effect on our relationship, and me (they did keep it secret for a reason), it means it was something done to me...? Can someone help me understand?

Seeing the GF that knew the whole time tonight - will let you know how I go...

I've read here and been told by the MC and WW that this is all about her and nothing about me.

yep....i concur. My FWWs A had nothing to do with me.....i was merely nothing more than collateral damage....it was all about her....

Can someone help me understand?

Ill try....your wifes A, like my FWWs A, was not an exit affair...i call it a "shits and giggles affair"....it was all about my wife, and yours was about her...getting their little egos stroked....

Affairs are a selfish, ego stroking behavior based in lies and bullshit. It is a form of self medication for what i call pre-affair issues....issues such as alcholism and alcholic behaviors, using drugs, spending money, sexual abuse as a victim - child, gambling, depression, FOO issues,PTSD, death of a close family mamner, etc....my FWW had all of them.

Affairs are new, they are exciting, and....temporarily - it makes them feel good...much like a junkie on crack. They are masking other issues that a really good IC needs to be helping them with - Affairs are an escape from reality. Affairs are no kids, no bills, no jobs, no responsibility, no dirty diapers, they are a fantasy....once upon a time, happily after, white picket fence.....and they are bullshit.

My FWW was looking for the adrenilin (sp) rush that the affair gave her...it stroked her ego...it made her feel "giddy"...to the point of texting hundreds of texts to the POS OM...like a jr high kid (no disrespect to jr high kids - you get the idea)....she was broken...and the OM was her band-aid.

These types of behaviors can and should be treated with ICs...i highly recommend it......yes, my FWW made the decision to have an affair, her symptoms were not "reasons"..however i do(and do some mental health professionals) believe her pre-affair issues were catalysts in her making the decision to have an affair.

Therefore....i concluded that in my case....i had nothing to do with her having her affair...it simply wasnt my fault. No bro, i cant walk on water....i wasnt the perfect husband, either....but i firmly believe i had nothing to do with her decision to cheat on me.

JMO

Bufffalo

....but i firmly believe i had nothing to do with her decision to cheat on me

.

So what I struggle with is shouldn't I, as her loving husband of 20 years, have been a factor in her decision?And that decision should have been no...

I know what you mean...it just hurts.

So what I struggle with is shouldn't I, as her loving husband of 20 years, have been a factor in her decision?And that decision should have been no...

Yes, you should have been a factor. Yes, the answer should have been no.

It wasn't.

The question now is whether your WW is genuinely remorseful for that mistake and working on fixing her issues.