SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For each of my significant relationships I recall the when and where of the first time we had sex. She is "not sure" because it was probably a couple weeks after they met, an she want to keep that hidden from you.

now that she's told you a time frame, she's gotta keep it...did she make a time line of the affair?

Exposure clears the fog. Also expose to former employer. OM will toss her under bus.

wk55hn that was breathtaking.

Great dramatization of how these things happen.

I am now working on how to send that back to myself in 2008.

Did you choose to expose today, Barry? Did you take any positive step to move out of infidelity today?

I'm scared for you, Barry. The longer you wait to move out of infidelity, the longer you fail to take positive action, the longer you ruminate on making the "perfect" decision that has the least negative impact on your wayward wife, the more self-respect you lose, and the more respect your wayward wife loses for you. Gently, your current outlook is reminiscent of another poster here, and 50 pages in, he is getting a divorce. Maybe the divorce was inevitable, but I'm sure he'd like to have those many months of mental torture back, if had only chosen to respect himself from the beginning.

w55 described the thought process I think very well of the typical WW.

He also said something that resonated with me: I told my ww she needed to decide if she really wanted to be with ME or if I was plan B.

I told the other BS - and it blew up the affair. It also changed my wife's perception: she knew I would not be a doormat.

As to the kids - it should always be about what is best for them. The need for your W to feel consequences should be irrelevant in deciding if you should talk to them: though their ages are important and if they are teenagers you might be surprised to learn they already suspect.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 7:19 AM, February 20th (Monday)]

Holy smokes wk55. What you just gave Barry was basically what people get over 30 therapy sessions.

One of the best posts I've ever read.

Thank you all for posting and thanks for your long post wk55. It was very tough to read if the only reason she didn't go through with leaving me for him was the fact that he slowed things down. My wife has told her parents and her sisters of the affair and they're pretty angry at her, i could tell she feels ashamed. She is the oldest of her siblings. It feels like we're making progress but I don't know which road we're going to end up on. As far as contact with the OM since she initiated NC, I wouldn't doubt it honestly. She said she is losing her feelings for him which I don't know if that's true or not.

Duplicated posts.

[This message edited by barry22 at 10:45 AM, February 20th (Monday)]

It's not unusual for the WS to lose their feeling for their AP once reality has set in, her fantasy bubble has been burst so the enormity of her fuck up is likely to hit her pretty hard, if she is truly remorseful.

Barry, I wrote a story based on what I've seen here, and the similarities with many other situations.

Why haven't you asked your wife to give you the story - the real actual story - step by step - of why and how she did this? How did she go from being the "happiest wife/mother in the world" to being "in love" with another man and asking your for a separation in six months?

Do you think the exposure helped regarding lessening feelings for other man?

If she has no contact, the feelings should lessen.

If you are going to reconcile, I think you are going to have to understand what went on, so you can feel somewhat safe that it is fixed and won't happen again.

Barry copy and paste wk55hn long post. Edit it to look like what you thought and give it to her for her verification. You better leave this immoral character unless you want to play life long detective

Barry,

I'm happy to hear that some progress out of infidelity was made.

Gently, what small thing are you going to do today to get yourself out of infidelity? How about asking your wife for two timelines of her affair? One is R-rated with most details, and the other is X-rated with all the details. You can have her put each in a separate envelope so you can read them at your leisure. How about scheduling a STI test for yourself?

The STI test is actually scheduled. As far as all the details, what she has told me is it started with talking since she got hired. Started flirting over text which led to sexting. If she is to believed she slept with him the first time November 22nd, and had about 10-20 sexual encounters. She told me they did it about five times but it's starting to look more like 20.... Also.... their coworkers knew. Nov 22nd she went to a work party got drunk and went to go fuck him one of the rooms. Told me they were all drunk and she was dared to blow him.... lovely Everyone was apparently aware of this too. I was also told that she was intimate with him after January 17th not counting the encounter I have recorded. I have met her coworkers and she considers some of them friends. Well she now has to cut contact with them too. Just when I think it couldn't get any worse. I don't want anymore details anymore.

She is swearing that nov 22 was their first sexual encounter but they kissed a week before that. It was only six of them at that little party. Apparently the co workers knew they had a thing cause they were caught kissing.

[This message edited by barry22 at 4:23 PM, February 20th (Monday)]

wk55hn's hypothetical timeline of events was brilliant.

I would add that getting busted by OM's girlfriend, probably had an attaching affect on Barry's wife. The whole us against the world.

Many OMs will future fake in the heat of the moment. To them it's just passionately going with the moment. The sexual reward these WWs give in return makes them keep at it but of course in the end the OM wasn't looking to permanently take on a cheating divorcee with 3 kids.

As an aside, did she cut you off sexually over the past couple of months or give you detached duty sex? Many WWs don't want to cheat on the OM. With them talking of running off together, he may have instructed her not to have sex with you.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 4:22 PM, February 20th (Monday)]

She needs to give you an accurate timeline that you will make her take a poly against.

Any married mother that would drunkenly have sex with a man she's known for a couple of months at a company function knowing her co-workers know is highly like to have had sex countless times.

In the 1st few months of an affair, most are doing it almost daily. With her willing to have car sex, is there any doubt that she wasn't?

With them having such a sexual affair, I imagine she must have been cutting you off, especially if she was seriously contemplating leaving you.

And definitely any friend of the affair must be PERMANENTLY cut off.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 4:36 PM, February 20th (Monday)]

You're making progress. You don't need the sexual details, you don't need to know the exact details, but you need to know what happened and why, and understand it, ultimately determining that she won't do it again.

it started with talking since she got hired. Started flirting over text which led to sexting.

It sounds right, but pay attention to SEX vs. FEELINGS. This is all sex. Flirting. Sexting. Where did the so-called "feelings" come from? I am thinking that there really was no "feelings" like you think of feelings - like shared values like you have with her, like raising kids, how to do that, your goals together as a couple and family. What I see she has "feelings" with him is how he made her feel, which she was NOT getting from you - a brand new relationship, that tenseness of new sex, butterflies in the belly feeling - infatuation. Basically the feelings he gave to her was that she felt desired from a new guy, it gave her a boost. It wasn't that he shared values with her. They hardly if ever discussed that.

I have seen a few of these things, including my wife's affair. Rarely is there any of substance in the relationship, just flirting and sex. That seems to be in the case with your wife.

If she is to believed she slept with him the first time November 22nd, and had about 10-20 sexual encounters. She told me they did it about five times but it's starting to look more like 20....

I would believe Nov. 22. My point is that she knows very well THE FIRST TIME. All the details. By the time she was at number 8, or number 17, she wouldn't remember when and where necessarily, but the first time would have been emblazoned in her memory.

After the first time, she would have had sex every chance she got. Which wouldn't necessarily be every single day, but easily a couple-three times a week.

So this was a complete sexual affair, the feelings were based on infatuation, bonding between secrecy and ego boosts, flirting, telling each other how hot each were, not on shared values or marriage-type feelings. Do not discount the strength of BONDING in sexual intercourse. That sexual bonding alone I believe perpetuated her strong "feelings" for him.

Also.... their coworkers knew. Nov 22nd she went to a work party got drunk and went to go fuck him one of the rooms. Told me they were all drunk and she was dared to blow him.... lovely Everyone was apparently aware of this too.

So I doubt it went down like that. Yes, she blew him, and one or two encouraged them. I find it very difficult to believe that everyone who works there is immoral and would allow it. So I am guessing that there were a handful who knew and a couple at most who encouraged it. Maybe a larger circle suspected and just didn't give a shit to go further. Plus, if she was drunk, I don't trust her objectively seeing how others acted/thought about it.

She is swearing that nov 22 was their first sexual encounter but they kissed a week before that. It was only six of them at that little party. Apparently the co workers knew they had a thing cause they were caught kissing.

I don't think it's that important in the scope of it. I believe the Nov. 22. The kissing, who knows, but it's possible. Again, it doesn't affect the affair much at all.

I was also told that she was intimate with him after January 17th not counting the encounter I have recorded.

It's a good sign she told you about it. But NEVER believe that just because she gave up a piece of information that she didn't have to, does it mean that she has given up all the info she has. Frequently info like that is trickle truthed a drip and a drop at a time. I personally think you have the main truth of it now. She started with flirting, went to sex, sex more times than she could count, completely clueless about where her "feelings" come from, going to leave a marriage for a sexual affair.

The only thing I think she's holding back on BIG PICTURE issues is her decision to leave you for him. If she had ended the affair a week before, THEN asked you for a separation, I'd be much more likely to believe her. But she asked you for a separation while her affair had reached it's highest point, so I think she was ready to leave you for him. That part of the story, you need to dig in and find out.

I have met her coworkers and she considers some of them friends. Well she now has to cut contact with them too. Just when I think it couldn't get any worse.

Yes, ask her to drop them. Number one, those are a direct line to other man. They ALL were friends, so I'd be surprised if she didn't use them to get info from other man. Lessening her "feelings" for him will work better if she gets ZERO info from him, and if she ACCEPTS that he is gone from her life FOREVER.

I don't want anymore details anymore.

Yeah, it's a damaging trip you're on. But I think you have to focus on your inner game. There was a time when your wife was not in your life, and you were a good guy then, and you would have done well in life without your wife. She is not the end-all and be-all of this life. Losing her would NOT be the worst thing that could happen in your life. You would be OK. I think it helps in the reconciliation if you are not so invested that you make a "bad deal" just for the sake of saving the marriage. The marriage has to be worth saving before you should save it.

I think going over it with your wife at this point might let her see how her perceptions when she was in the affair are not reality. That she was fooled by him but most of all she fooled herself into it.

My memory is not the best, but I think you said she had scrap-booked less than a year ago about how idyllic your life had been. Finances and stability, a happy peaceful marriage, great well-adjusted happy kids. Respect and love. Then within six months she goes to deep "feelings" with another man and separating with you over the laundry basket. I would ask her what she thinks about the laundry basket vs. the scrapbook. Ask her how that all happened.

Barry hang in there, it will get better. Try to focus on your kids and yourself, watch your wife's actions and take some time to figure out what you want in your future.

Thanks for the update, Barry. Another great post by wk55hn, by the way.

Have you reviewed or learned about limerence? It sounds like your wife is in limerence right now. Maybe this could be a small step toward moving out of infidelity? Have you researched or purchased any books on affairs. Sorry to be pushy, but am just trying to offer a few ideas to keep moving out of infidelity, regardless of the final outcome.

WK55hn is right that the "love" that your WW has is based on just the exciting feelings that come when you're sneaking around committing adultery.

There is no depth to her feelings but I find that MANY WWs are willing to blow up their marriages based on these feelings. It is only the fact that most OMs are not willing to take on a cheating wife with another man's kids that keeps them with plan B. but if these guys were willing take them, you'd find more women that would be willing to blow up their marriages, turning their husbands into part time dads.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 8:00 PM, February 20th (Monday)]

Like I posted earlier Google "love is like cocaine" and it will help explain her behavior which is very similar to that of an addict. Then you get a better sense of why they were willing to toss it all away at the time for the AP, to maintain the "high".

What it will NOT explain is the "why". Your WW relaxed her boundaries and descended down that slippery slope for a reason. My XW scrapbooked our family life, too. Next thing you know she's sucking off a dad from my kids hockey team and making out with another woman for a lesbian experience. For her it was midlife crisis and they way wk55hn describes how these things start is the frame work for how a LOT of the affairs progress. Our own details and situations surrounding are different. But one of the common reasons for a part of the "why" is because they were selfish, they wanted to go there, they wanted a bigger "hit". I'm curious, did she ever have this glazed look in her eyes during the affair like you can tell this woman isn't the same woman? That is also another common "tell", like they are jacked up on dopamine.

NC is in place and she is losing her feelings for him. She is going through withdrawal. You will see soon enough how she really feels when she finally steps out of the hamster wheel of rationalization and grasp the impact of her actions on everyone around her.