SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

foreverlabeled Thank you for taking the time to write all of this and please do not apologise for sharing your own experience because it actually helps me understand what this can look like further down the road.

What is he like when you have brought it up?

At the moment he basically wants it closed down and does not want the infidelities or affairs discussed again and that is the part I am struggling with because I can understand that he does not want to keep revisiting something painful or shameful but I cannot make myself healed by agreeing never to speak about it.

Without those, "repair" becomes performance, a surface level peace that demands your silence as its price.

This really landed with me because I think that is what I am frightened of - things looking peaceful on the surface because I have stopped speaking rather than because anything has actually been repaired underneath. Also, what you said about emotion not being the enemy but distortion being the problem is helpful too - I think I have been trying very hard not to make decisions from anger or hurt but I also do not want being "rational" to become another way of talking myself out of what I can actually see and feel. The clarity part is probably where I am now - not trying to force his clarity or make him respond in a particular way but becoming clearer myself about what I need for healing and what I can and cannot live with if those needs are not met...

Thank you for being so open with me - your experience is difficult to read because I can see why you are warning me but I genuinely appreciate you sharing it.