Just wanna say that there is a difference between "100% of the truth" and the 90% of the truth that is, IMHO, unequivocally necessary for R (or maybe Sissoon's idea of "truth" vs "details", I dunno). I think any BS can accept they will never have 100% of the details. I'll never know what they talked about, how much they bad mouthed their respective partners, etc. THAT I can live with (perhaps begrudgingly, but whatever). What I can NOT live with are continued lies & secrecy, years' of foot dragging WRT a timeline, continued lack of self awareness or reflection, etc. It may be THAT is the person my WH is at core and really can't be changed. And if that's the case, they why on earth would I want to be M with someone that lacking in basic decency, integrity & respect? I'm worth more than that.
I need to ask myself what reconciliation even means
OldWounds has a wonderful post in R that includes differentiating between R and "remaining M". I agree that they are NOT the same thing, not by a longshot. I am "remaining M", but am absolutely NOT R. FWIW, my WH is not R material - and a lot of that status has to do with the continued secrets and gaslighting.
Her job the last 4 years was to show me why I shouldn't feel like she is lying. Through strong communication and sincerity, she needed to demonstrate she no longer has use for lies and self protection. In that, she has utterly failed.
EXACTLY. If the WS does not do the work and make those fundamental changes, they are not "safe" as partners, irrespective of whether they have another full blown A. They are like "dry drunks"... alcoholics who may not be drinking, but are not really "sober" in their emotional healing.
Swatter - it seems to me that the panic/anxiety coming is the reality that the Body Keeps the Score. IOW, it knows that you are being gaslit about the 90% of 'truth' that you need to really R. To me, remaining M while there are such gaping holes in the WS story is not R - it's simply remaining M. Anyone can make the cost/benefit calculation to stay M with a WS who has not done the work to become a safe partner. I am a shining example of that ability. But what I'm "in" right now is not a real M, based on shared values (like HONESTY), emotional and physical intimacy, bilateral vulnerability, etc. It's not the M I want, not the M I (and we ALL) deserve, and not the kind of M I would wish upon anyone else (even those I don't particularly like).
As OldWounds said in his other post, love is NOT enough to R.
I miss my old M - I miss it BIG time. I miss the fantasy I lived WRT my WH, including feeling truly and completely loved. AND I know that I'm better off w/o that fantasy love. That brand of "love" is kind of like eating cake & chocolate & ice cream for dinner when our bodies really NEED some veggies and protein. IME, once we start feeding ourselves some solid SELF love, we begin to crave the veggies & protein we need, and as much as we may still eyeball the dessert tray form of "love", deep down we KNOW (because the body really DOES keep the score) that anymore of that sugar crap will just make us sick. Sounds to me like your body knows it needs some veggies...
Godspeed.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:59 PM, Thursday, September 16th]
