SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DemolishedInside, your new guy sounds like a wonderful person! I love what you said about needing to feel the difference. If we're not used to being treated well, we don't always know what to look for.

If you've never been in a healthy relationship before, it's not too late to find one, right?

I was sitting on my front porch the other day painting a decoration (where I can't hear my godmother yelling at me), and Mr Cupcake walked by again. I thought the other day had been a fluke. Now he knows where I live. But if he's not interested in me, then he'll know to avoid this place. Making it easier to maintain No Contact.

I also noticed there's a huge coffee stain from my front room window. I suspect my ex threw his coffee on our window last month, before he was arrested for breaking the restraining order.

Hmm, maybe the reason why I'm not in a relationship yet is because none of these guys are behaving in a way that makes for a good relationship with them.

silverhopes, first off I hope 2021 is very good to you. You have experienced an abusive relationship in the past. I think you know this but let me reiterate it to you; you do not deserves to be abused but you do deserve to be treated with respect.

I’m getting a civil RO on top of the current criminal one

He’s harassed me and keeps blaming me for his abuse

I don’t yet have pepper spray, but I do have a lighter that lights like a small blowtorch. Would never hurt anyone with it, but it could work as a scare tactic

I highly recommend that you obtain a container of pepper spray. Good for you for having this lighter but would recommend that you lose the mindset of Would never hurt anyone with it

Men who abuse women are cowards who get a thrill out of having their victim cower before them. They get off on the power they hold over their victim.

If you are willing to fight back you will no longer be a victim.

I recommend that everyone take a self defense course.

This is not to teach you how to fight or be the aggressor but teaches you ways to get away from a physical altercation.

One of the best ways, which makes every man I know, cringe is the thought of a knee or kick to the groin area.

If physically subdued grabbing the attackers thumb and bending it back with force is a way to break someone's grip on you.

If your hand is free do not forget the eyes. A poke to the eye will make most people release their grip and turn away from you.

If you search for self defense courses in your area chances are the police or sheriff's office may put one on for free.

If you don't want to go to a class see the online demo videos or watch the scene in Miss Congeniality where Sandra Bullock's character demonstrates how a woman can defend herself against an attack.

Thank you Fooled13years,

You're right that fighting back needs to be in my mindset.

Back in 2016, there was an incident where my ex put his lighter on a certain area of my body and flicked it on. It singed my hair (I could smell it burning). Then he assaulted me. Luckily it wasn't in one of the more "serious" ways, but it was still deeply upsetting. I remember begging him to stop and trying to crawl away from him, but my body locked up and I couldn't make myself move. I was so angry with myself for freezing. Later that night, we got into another fight, and he pinned me down on my back. I held onto my anger, maneuvered my legs up against my chest and in between us, and kicked him in the chin.

There were other instances of physical abuse since then. One of the times, I fought back. I remember that time, I was furious with him for what he was doing. So I've learned that the way to fight back is to hold onto my anger, and that makes it easier to not freeze.

I could definitely stand to take a self-defense course. I did take a couple, but both were years ago, when I was still a teen. I took Aikido in college - the first time I was assaulted after that (by someone else) totally broke my morale, for not protecting myself.

So my training has been to accept my anger. I've always been terrified of feeling angry, because I worry about hurting others. I don't want to be like my abusers. So maybe I need to do a lot of work on my anger - acceptance, learning how to express it in non-harmful ways, and also accepting and knowing that anger that helps motivate me to self-defense is absolutely OK.

Thank you for talking about this with me.

I will also get mace.

I apologize in advance. I'm going to probably be using this thread a LOT over the next month. They say that's how long it takes to set a new habit, right?

Two new habits:

1) Quit drinking.

2) NC with Mr. Cupcake.

The drinking: happens when my godmother yells at me about cleaning.

Solution: plan out each day carefully so I can clean something thoroughly and keep going no matter how discouraging her berating is.

Reality check: I cannot feasibly do everything on her list no matter how badly I want to. And I don't even want to for her sake - I love cleaning. But she sours me to it.

Tools to replace drinking: sleeping, listening to music, posting here.

NC with Mr. Cupcake...

I went to the coffee shop this morning. He showed up. Was cold to me. And the previous time, he had been warm and complimentary. What do I see in this guy again?

It's that feeling of rejection. And people like him make a game of it. Hot and cold - sometimes cold because they don't want you to like them and chase them, and other times cold because they know they'll put themselves on your mind, and that's part of the game to them. And then hot - because their egos like the attention.

Things I hate about him: his arrogance ("I'm perfect"), his admitted coldness and selfishness in relationships ("I pull back, and I think it's a selfishness in me"), his potential lack of boundaries ("I want to pursue someone who has no interest in me and win her over, like they do in the movies"), his immaturity and indecisiveness, his tendency to play games, his indications that he might be kind of a womanizer (GROSS!), his tendency to assume and treat me like I'm an upper class lucky twit ("You're so lucky, you get to just sit around and draw all day!" um no I don't, don't fucking assume), when he has no clue the kinds of struggles I might face, just because I'm not living the life he is.

NC plan:

1) Stop going to my beloved coffee shop, for at least the next month.

2) Cover up my windows - if he knows where I live and admires my storefront window, then I should probably not let him see inside, nor look for that external validation from him. To quote this one evil cartoon character I like, "They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Time to shut. that. window." I found some pretty cloth tapestries with nice images on them (most are in blue, my favorite color). If I can find some safety pins, I can pin them together and then tape them up to my window (which is about 6 feet tall). Windows covered + pretty blue light streaming in from outside.

3) Stop walking down any street that would risk me running into him. We live on the same block unfortunately. I could take a different street that's a lot quieter. Come to think of it, then I would probably stop running into the creeps too. Win-win.

4) Find a distraction. Any ideas? I don't really have friends anymore, and my nature journaling and artwork have become more work than play. I could use suggestions. What's something obsessive, enjoyable, and doesn't involve other people that I could lose myself in for the next month? Hmm, maybe there's a good book or something...

5) Remind myself of why I hate him when I start to think of him or miss him. This is some rando I was lucky enough to meet during the loneliness of COVID, and nothing's happened between us save emotions. If I could make myself fall out of love with my abusive ex, I can make myself lose interest in this shallow jerk.

6) Remind myself that I can be attracted to someone far better for me. And remind myself of what those traits are: kind, patient, someone who listens, someone who doesn't assume the worst about you, someone consistent, who understands social anxiety, someone who isn't "too cool" for me, someone with an interesting mind... Someone who cherishes my friendship.

Thank you for letting me rant here. Like I said, I'll probably be here a lot. I will try to come here anytime I feel the temptation to break NC. Probably going to feel really pathetic admitting to it, but it's better to feel pathetic and eventually get over the feeling than to break NC and set back my healing.

He. Is. Not. Worth. It.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:42 AM, January 2nd (Saturday)]

Note to self: it's OK to hate him.

People who respond to kindness and an attempt to befriend by playing hot and cold (nice, engaging, overly-complimentary, and even a bit flirtatious sometimes, and then pretty much ignore you the next time) deserve my hate. He could be straightforward and ignore me all the time, and I would get the message to leave him alone. I try not to cross people's boundaries. But this? He wants to play jumprope with me. And fuck that. He and the other baristas there (who I consider my friends) know full well that I escaped my abuser. They know about the domestic violence. For him to play games with my feelings when I'm already on shaky ground with humanity and social interactions is just... Fuck him. He reminds me of the abusive FWB I had before I met my ex. And I *HATE* the abusive ex-FWB even more than I hate my ex. That's saying something.

Today's goals for cleaning were:

1) Clean the hallway

2) Do the laundry

3) Clear the fridge.

These aren't anywhere near the number of things I need to get done, but they are concrete, immediate things. I know she'll still complain.

Tried to do the towels like I'd planned to. She'd put dirty rugs in the washing machine and then not washed them - had asked me to do my towels first. Wasn't in the mood to take out the dirty rugs, so I'm washing them now. Two more loads of laundry to do... That's fine. It's in progress now.

The hallway - I swiffered it. Which she was going to do anyway. She's going to clean the bathrooms. But since I did the hallway, she won't have a good excuse to move my rolling cart of papers, which always knocks them over when she does.

The fridge: reality check, she is always going to complain about the fridge. Solution: to stop storing food in there. It can be her fridge. For myself, I'll get the food each day just before I eat it. It's not good to go out so much with the pandemic, but then again, she yells at me so much on my way to the kitchen that I don't get to eat most of the food anyway. I lose my appetite. So it makes sense to get food just before I'm going to eat it - that way, if my appetite is already gone, then there's no point in buying food anyway. So now all I need to do is finish eating whatever is left in the fridge and then NOT refill it.

I have more to do today, but I've mostly gotten my three goals done already. Woohooooo!!!

Had a busy day today. Aside from the cleaning, I had three meetings/classes, all for nature journaling. One of which I was hosting. I was having trouble being a good host today. Feeling depressed.

I covered over the windows with the tapestries. Got a package in the mail from the restraining order group - it's the paperwork copies, and a day for the hearing. It's the 13th, the week after my birthday. Part of me is wanting to go sit outside where I can see the neighborhood and see if Mr. Cupcake walks by. Not going to. No Contact means no new hurts. If I were to go out looking for him, and by some chance see him, he would probably ignore me, and then I would be unhappier.

So... I'm wanting to see him when I'm feeling depressed. That means I'm using him as a distraction, and not truly wanting to see him... But then again, it's kind of impossible to see him anyway, when he's playing games - you can't really know someone who does that, except that they like to play games. Either way, it's not really him I want, it's a distraction from pain. So maybe I need to sit with this pain for a bit.

Writing this out here really does help. Thank you

[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:32 PM, January 2nd (Saturday)]

Your distraction needs to be something positive.

I try to think of something funny as a distraction. I have a sibling who literally makes me laugh so hard I cry. When I’m facing a tough moment I think of something hilarious between us.

Better distraction.

And I like the fact you call him Mr Cupcake - that stupid nickname I gave him. You will start to dislike him someday. You really will.

I often met people like that think I fall for their crap. I just post along. Until the day I decide to let them see I really don’t fall for their crap. Like once this jerky guy was hitting on a girl. I knew he was married so I asked him, in front of the girl, how his wife and kid was.

He was irate. I just smiled. Girl got the message loud & clear and she took off. Never saw the jerk again.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:38 AM, January 3rd (Sunday)]

1st Wife, nice job calling out that guy! We need more people like you in the world. It’ll make it a lot harder for scuzzballs to get away with their scuzziness.

I woke up this morning already disliking Mr Cupcake more strongly than yesterday. Not even a conscious thought, so much as a sense of repulsion and aversion.

I like your distraction. I’m sure I’ll find something positive; it just might take a bit to think of it.

Went all day yesterday with NC. One day down. I gotta make sure I don’t backslide - if I start to feel good, I might get cocky and think I can handle it. Nope.

Today’s cleaning goal: find and dispose of all trash, recyclables, and compostables in my room. Note to self: don’t be scared to use from the paper bags collection.

Can't really picture him being nice to me right now. All I picture is his scudzy, overconfident attitude where he talks about how he's "perfect" and when only a few weeks earlier he was talking about how he's selfish in relationships - I can't even imagine how many girlfriends he's hurt by withholding part of himself and then breaking up with them. I bet the ladies try to figure out what they're doing wrong and why he's lost interest, and he just disengages and fades on them without being honest. That's gross. So he's a charmer - he can start the fire - but in the end, he's a fader too because the starting fire is the only part he likes. He doesn't respect the reality of the long-term relationship, perhaps, the "mundane" or stable parts. Now I wonder about his judgment of his sister, who he says has horrible taste in guys and is currently in an abusive relationship. He says she needs to get herself out - that he can't do it for her. And yet here HE is, playing with women's emotions. He's not healthy relationship material either.

I hope I don't see him. I've got no desire to get sucked back into his orbit.

So I learned today that I can’t switch therapists/caseworkers. If I do, I would have to leave my therapy center entirely, which would mean losing my psychiatrist, who has really helped me a lot and been a stable person in my life for the past 4 or so years. The caseworker I have makes me feel so much worse, and hopeless, and it’s been like that since I started seeing her 2 or so years ago (when my previous caseworker moved away). I tried to switch back then too but they didn’t let me. Aside from her, I’ve never tried to switch caseworkers or therapists before - I trust my instincts. My psychiatrist wants me to keep working with the caseworker and questions whether or not I’m misconstruing her words through my “I’m not good enough” lens. I told her I take that into account - but that I also trust my instincts, and two years of this means to me that it’s more unlikely that it would all come down to my lens. She’s said hurtful things.

Solution: using a notebook in therapy to write down everything she says, and question why she chooses certain topics, so I can better understand her thinking.

I was doing so well...

I had gone early to my coffee shop - in and out - since figuring out that he's not there super early. I really didn't want to give up the only small in-person social interactions I've had since the pandemic began...

I was feeling great because I had avoided him, until I realized I had to return a video to the shop. T_T I had to go back, and of course there he was. Cold to me again. But chatting up another mutual friend of ours.

So I'm back to square one.

But when Covid ends, I will probably see that there are so many guys out there who are nicer. Ones who won't play hot and cold - ones who will value basic friendship. Hell, maybe even ones who would want to call me every now and then, just to chat about something we both enjoy! Now that's the kind of warmth I crave - one that is genuine and consistent.

Mr Cupcake has had my number since August. He knows my habits and where I am - if he had wanted to be my friend, he would have done so already. I don't need to bend over for him.

I am beginning to really hate Mr. Cupcake.

I ran into him... giving a box of pastries to another girl. But of course. It must be his signature move. Plus I’m pretty sure he saw me walking and waited until right then to give the box of pastries to her.

As bad luck would have it, I ran into him AGAIN on my way back from my errand. I put on a huge obscenely cheerful smile under my mask and waved at him. He looked confused and then waved back enthusiastically as well.

He doesn’t realize I was waving goodbye.

It sucks living on the same block as him, but I *WILL* find a way to never see his womanizing ass again.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 9:58 PM, January 7th (Thursday)]

I *WILL* find a way to never see his womanizing ass again.

Or at least be able to roll your eyes, ignore him, and move along with whatever you were doing.

And I have to ask, what's with the baked goods he goes around handing out to women? That's his line? Is he a baker? Maybe he sees himself as the pied piper of pastries?

*That* is definitely creepy.

Sending hugs silverhopes - I know you're working hard to retrain your brain right now.

He works in a couple of different places locally, and one of them is a bakery. In my case, he gave me a cupcake that he said a neighbor made and shared with the folks at his other job. But I've seen him leave the bakery with baked goods before (I live very close to that bakery, and he's really tall, so it's near impossible to miss him when he walks by).

I love that! "Pied piper of pastries"!

I would love to be able to roll my eyes and move on with whatever I was doing. What is it with guys I like flirting with other women in front of me? Hurts and hardens my heart.

Happened recently with someone else I'd had feelings for who gently rejected me - we were resuming our friendship OK, and then he flirted with another friend of ours over my shoulder while I was talking to him, after he'd asked how I was. I actually had to turn my head to see who he was wiggling his eyebrows at repeatedly, and when I saw our friend, my heart sank. She had begun flirting with him after I told her I was in love with him, even though she's in a relationship already.

Which is why my New Year's Resolution is: no more crushes on anyone.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:07 PM, January 10th (Sunday)]

So jail released my ex, and now he’s out and homeless. He called my godmother to tell her he had gifts for Lil Silver. She told him not to ring the bell. He dropped them over the gate. Two Lego sets, and two hearts of chocolates, one big, one little. I didn’t see him, but I did see the gifts he left. I know the big heart was meant for me.

I feel sick and depressed. I can never go back to him. But I don’t want him to suffer. I know he misses our son. But he’s not well. Hopefully someday he’ll be well enough to pursue a healthy relationship with our son.

It’s days like these I feel like I failed. The guilt is so strong. But I already tried to save him and I couldn’t. He has to choose his health. Still, I feel very low right now. Maybe because I haven’t gotten the divorce done yet, so I’m technically still his wife, so I feel like he’s still my responsibility.

The civil RO hearing is this Wednesday. From there, it will establish custody and be easier to go forward on divorce. Plus they might know who I can talk to about that - I’m low income, so I’ll need someone pro bono. I’m not sure how this all works.

I have the feeling this feeling of guilt, worry, and loss will never really go away.

Why did they have to let him out?!?!!! Why couldn’t they have just kept him and gotten him conserved, so he’d be somewhere they could take care of him???!

I still remember the times he was a good man. I feel so sorry for the good man he was and imagining him suffering this way.

About how many attempts does it take for no contact to stick, I wonder?

Ugh. Disappointed in myself.

But on the bright side, I’ve realized that a friend you feel you have to chase around isn’t really a friend. They may act in a friendly fashion, or they may butter you up to feed their own ego, but if they’re not making an equal effort to seek you out, even when they have the means to, they’re not really your friend, and you shouldn’t waste time chasing them.

I feel like a creep when I realize I must have been making people uncomfortable by trying too hard to be their friend. I didn’t know where I stood with them - still don’t, in some ways.

Mr Cupcake says, “It’s *always* good to see you,” and then starts blanking me less than a day later. Mixed messages? Intermittent reinforcement? Or my own stupidity which borders on being creepy when I think I could actually be his friend and have the fun conversations we sometimes have had? Stupid of me.

Some long-time friends also recently had a virtual baby shower, and didn’t invite me. They do this sometimes. Back in high school, it was deliberate. Not sure about now. So feeling that “not belonging” feeling. Not sure what to do about that. It’s a lifelong problem. Very much a personal problem and not anyone else’s - it’s a common link in my relationships. Being a fucking alien.

The therapist I wasn’t allowed to leave can’t help me there. She just makes it worse by emphasizing the ways I don’t belong.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent. Going to brainstorm now: how can I be less pathetic?

On the bright side, two people were nice to me today. They joked with me gently and were warm and kind. I need to be careful not to wear out my welcome with them. I’ll try to savor their kindness and think of that instead of the sad stuff. New brain circuits.