SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. I hope he gets some good news that it’s treatable and he will eventually get cured.

You may start to see with this family medical issue how your cheater does — or doesn’t. Good for you for putting it back in him to reconcile and make amends.

Stop sending him articles. Stop leading him down the path. Let him figure it out on his own. If he had enough intelligence to cheat he has enough intelligence to make amends.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:00 PM, September 21st (Monday)]

Regardless of your lifestyle if he does things behind your back. He is cheating it is that simple. Why he puts it back on you is a flaw in him.

Take your time in making any long term relationship decisions. But get tested. Set clear boundaries right now! He doesn’t get to have sex outside of the relationship without you being ok with it. Strength and cyber hugs.

One day at a time

He doesn’t get to have sex outside of the relationship without you being ok with it.

I would frame this slightly differently because I believe in bodily autonomy and I suspect that Loststargazer may feel the same way.

He can choose to have sex with whomever he wants, whenever he wants, however he wants. That's his right. YOU get to decide if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is choosing to have sex with others without following your agreements.

When people don't like their relationship agreements, they have two choices. One is to be an adult and say, this agreement isn't working for me, and attempt to renegotiate it to something more workable. One is to just do what you want and ignore the agreement and then whine that it was unreasonable.

Which one produces a healthier relationship? I don't think anyone could argue that point.

The1stWife

I realize now that I’ve read your post to stop sending him things to read and stop leading him down the path that I’m still playing the pick me game. Thank you for making me see it again.

I don’t know how to stop though. How do I not want him to pick me? Because I do want him to pick me. Not in the literal sense of the words but I do want him to want to make amends. Any advice anyone? It hurts that he doesn’t seem hurt. Because I’m in so much pain I want him to feel pain too. I know in my head I can’t make him... but I can’t help feeling like I want him him to... I don’t know, something! Hurt, try, feel bad, make choices to make amends, just fucking something! Ugh, I feel like a driveling idiot!

It's okay to feel that way though. He is very important to you and you want to be that important to him. And you care deeply about him and those feelings don't just go away when someone hurts you. That's normal. I know it doesn't help much, but you aren't alone.

Our hearts and our heads take some time to sync up when things happen. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

Thank you PSTI.

I’m trying it’s just hard. I want to cry all the time. Hell, every time I’m alone I do and just take a deep breath to be in front of anyone else again