SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m sorry your wife is refusing to attempt to reconcile.

I guess it would be “too painful” for her to do any work on her own and figure out why she cheated and why she has no boundaries.

It appears that She really is running away from it all and taking the lazy easy way out.

Thank you and yes, I do think this is a large part of it. I also found out that she had increased her anti-anxiety/depression meds 3 months prior to the affair which somewhat explains her current lack of emotion. It helps a little to know that mentally she realizes what she's done even if she's not feeling it.

In short, it's not your fault, and you probably had a better than most marraige. And she will continue to lie to justify, minimize, or shift blame onto you. Just so you know, all 3 of those things are continued abuse. Lots of people who are abused don't believe that it is our that their abuser is different, because they're in denial. Don't sit in denial, don't tolerate abuse.

You're absolutely right and I do believe everything she is saying is so she can justify what she's doing. I've told her that she's crazy thinking that the passion of an affair was what was missing in our relationship. As far as the abuse aspect, I did do some research on the various forms of emotional abuse and I haven't related to it until her behavior in the past few weeks. Perhaps it was always there but right now it feels premature to say that our entire marriage was abusive.

I told myself something like this for 2 years. Basically, you are trying to take responsibility for her affair. You are wrong. It is 100% on her.

I may have not been clear but I do 100% believe the affair is on her. Talking about the core issues in our marriage is related to her thoughts on why we can't reconcile. I don't believe that the core issue is a non-negotiable issue but her for it is.

Truly, your wife is nothing special. She is one more broken fucked up person that has an overlarge sense of entitlement and an underdeveloped sense of morality and integrity. The infidelity bullshit sucks sucks sucks. But nothing sucks worse than trying to 'fix' someone who doesn't care and doesn't want to be fixed. All you will do is cause yourself more pain and upset and it won't change anything. Ask me how I know that.

Thank you for the brutal honesty (and that goes for everyone here). In my last session with the therapist, I told her that I wanted to be alone because everyone I've talked to about the affair has tried to give nice supportive responses. Those only validated my point of view and increased my anger about why she couldn't see it. I have been allowing myself to realize that she isn't worth it and moving on, but it's been difficult because my moving on would also let her win. I know it shouldn't matter, but right now, it feels so unfair that I had no say in the affair or separation and that she's getting everything she wanted. She will feel better about herself and her selfish acts if I am happy so it's been a struggle to pull myself out of the depression. I know I shouldn't care about it and should focus on myself but it's been hard to separate the two.

Halftime

I don't want to quote your entire message but you're spot on. As far as the affair goes, I believe the other wife knows and that the boss knows his future at the company is over (and is looking to leave). I know most of you will think it's silly I believe my wife about that, but I'd rather not spend any more time on the affair - talking with the other wife about gory details and such.

Staying near my son is the only absolute I have in my mind right now so no issues there.

As far as the attorney goes, we've only discussed it in that my wife and I would draft the requirements (absolute 50/50 on everything) and have the attorney fill out the paperwork accordingly. I'd like to avoid a contentious divorce and my wife agrees. I don't know a lot about divorce proceedings so it sounds like some research is in order.

And about trying to convince her to stay or to pick me, I've given up on that. I'd be willing to talk about reconciliation if she ever realizes what she's doing. That said, like my original post, there is always that hope that she realizes it sooner rather than later. And like I said earlier in this post, I want to get better and have been taking steps but I'm working on trying to separate my own desire to get better from her. Right now, I have a hard time not thinking that a) if I'm healthy, she'll want me and b) if I'm healthy, she'll feel better about her decision. I know I should just say F what she thinks but I'm still working on it.

Lost, I am sending many hugs and good juju your way.

I so understand that feeling you describe of the stay/go battle. And there is no right answer to that - only you can decide what is right for your particular situation. And I stand in no judgement of whatever that decision is. Believe me when I say that I did every single thing SI wisdom says not to do after my DDay1 (HB, pickme pickme pickme, tryin to nice him back, check check check). I shared my story with you in the hopes that it would help you in putting that hopium pipe down. Maybe she does wake up, maybe she doesn't. No one knows the outcome there, but staying on the hopium will 100% not help YOU get out of infidelity. I do know that.

I am not also saying that you need to stop caring immediately or that you shouldn't care - I so wish that was switch I could flip sometimes in my head because all those sad and angry feelings just get so overwhelming!! They will for you too. Unfortunately the only way to move past all of this is to wade through the swamp of shit surrounding it. There are no shortcuts.

And yeah, you hit the nail on the head - NONE OF THIS IS FAIR. It isn't. And nothing will ever make it be fair. You are doing very well all things considered. Don't let the enormity overwhelm you, just take it one little step at a time. No matter what you choose, moving is progress!

Thanks Ellie. What you said does resonate with me - I can't fix things overnight and I shouldn't be expecting that things change like a switch. And I appreciate your affirmation that I'm doing well on my own path to recovery - I've been forcing myself to go out, spend time with my son, and even be around my wife and her sister's family. It doesn't feel great but I know it's what I need to feel better.

OK good Lost - I don't want you to think I am over here on some high horse or anything It took me a long time on here and a lot of fuckups and fall downs in my path and a lot of 2x4's from fellow SIers to get me to where I'm at today!!

You are exactly right - and that is something I have to remind myself of too - it didn't get this way overnight and it won't get fixed overnight either. I am not a patient woman so that is a hard pill for me to swallow most days.

And be kind to yourself please. You will eventually start to feel more level. I was a complete wreck for at least 4 months after DDay1, and a mess for a couple months after S and D was decided on. I told myself early on that I was going to allow myself to feel whatever feelings I needed to. So if there comes a day that you need to hole up and not 'do'... take that day. No matter what ends up happening, all of this is a big thing to grieve!

Hi Lost9420,

How you are doing?

See a lawyer ASAP. She doesn’t care about divorce right now because she may want to string you along in order to get more money from you in the end (she already talked with a lawyer). If she has access to your bank account, she could wipe you out. Take out half of your money and put it into your own private account.

She doesn’t sound repentant. I’m saying this from experience here. My WH used to think adulterers should be put to death, too, until he became one. All these waywards say the same crap. Look at her actions, not what she’s saying.

She may never get out of la la land, but you need to be strong for your son and move on with your life. You can do this!