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I found the money and a ring by going through her things. She said she was taking it all back to him.

That sort of side steps the no contact with the OM. IMHO not acceptable as it shows that she she cares and wants to keep contact with her other husband of 5 years.

Keep the money pawn the ring and use it for IC or MC if you think it's worthwhile.

Remember that this all brand new to you but it has been her life for 5 years. Her love for the OM won't go away because you found out.

Send a nice gift card to the co worker who tipped you off.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:35 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

She has to be 100% no contact with him. You both do. For life. I agree with others. Sell the ring and pocket the cash. A tiny pittance of the karmic debt this douche bag owes you.

Good advice from all above. I vote to keep the damn money and ring, you don;t owe him anything back, and the WW needs no contact at all from him. I'd agree with contacting HR and getting him, or both fired. She can no longer work there, period.

Having been where you are, also a 7 or 8 yr affair with a co-worker, her attitude about this whole thing will tell you if R is even remotely possible. PM to follow.

Totally agree about the ring and the cash. Why on earth give it back?

There are many of us here who are trying to recover from a spouses LTA. Mine had one for at least 4 years. It's brutal trying to move on, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. It's in my head every day, and am not sure I want to continue in my marriage. Thinking of the amount of time, lies and how deep the betrayal was is staggering. You have to take this a day at a time, take care of yourself and get into therapy. Eat, hydrate yourself and if needed get some meds to help with sleep or anxiety.

This is a process. It takes time to sink in, and 2 years out I still can't believe it. Don't try to make any rash decisions now, give yourself room to breathe.

I would hold off on contacting HR because if you decide that this is a deal breaker and she gets fired as a result of this, it could have repercussions on any divorce settlement.

Do it at a later date.

I agree with Mickeybill, send a nice gift card to the person who tipped you off and rid everyone who knew from your life

It probably would be a good idea for her to start looking for a new job, because even if the OM left, everyone knows, and she's the office whore, and nobody will ever look at her with respect. A new job would be a good start for her. If she does change jobs, though, don't get too comfortable, because they could get back in contact again.

This was going on while he was married so I doubt it has stopped now that he is divorced. It is more likely that it has doubled down now and he is obviously pressuring your wife to leave you with the money and the ring. Was the ring an engagement ring? What is your WW saying she wants to do now?

Your marriage may not survive, but you can.

Make you and your children your priority. IC for you and maybe the kids too. If the first IC does not seem to be a fit find another. STD testing. See an attorney, protect yourself.

You will have many ups and downs, moving from sadness, hurt, anger, etc. and then through them all again. But the thing is, it will get better. You are strong.

Give it some time. Then decide if you want her back, want to try to reconcile. If you do give her your requirements and see if she is serious about trying to R.

I found the money and a ring by going through her things. She said she was taking it all back to him.

Screw that, pawn the ring and put all that cash into your new bank account that she doesn’t have access to.

I found the money and a ring by going through her things. She said she was taking it all back to him.

We'll she says that now that you've confronted & exposed her A, before not so much. Also why would she meet with the POS. So they could have one final embrace? Seriously.

Give the $ & ring to a charity of your choice or use it for your lawyer costs for the D.

I can truly feel your pain.

Focus on yourself, focus on yourself, focus on yourself.

Do what ever it takes to get to know your new self, because going forward you are now a different person and you need to learn who that person is. This is a new beginning and you will need to navigate the path to make your new life what you want it to be.

Set aside all thoughts of D or R for now, you have time to think about that whenever the fuck you feel like thinking about it.

It is not easy, but it is doable.

I found $800 in cash. Money he gave her for when she was ready to leave me.

I found the money and a ring by going through her things. She said she was taking it all back to him.

Someone they both work with got fed up with their attitude and decided to rat her out. They entire building they work in knew.

Sadjustsad

She had a second husband for five years and everyone at work knew about it. The OM’s wife is out of the way and he’s now free.

He gave her a ring to prove his love. She must have told the OM that she wanted to leave you because he gave her money to do just that.

Why would getting caught change her plans? Did the OM suddenly become a jerk? Did she fall out of love with him? Did she suddenly discover how great you are?

We have 3 children. Mostly grown. 21,18,15.

Sadjustsad

IMO there are two options. One is that you found out too soon. She wanted to wait until your 15 year old was out of high school. That’s a smart plan if you think about it. When your kid was 18 she would tell you that she doesn’t love you anymore and wants a divorce. Then she would “start” dating the OM.

The other option is that she liked having two husbands and doesn't want to give either of you up. Now she's saying the right things to keep you on the string. She may not be seeing the OM now but rest assured she will start back up.

It sounds like the OM has been pressuring her. He's free and he gave her a ring and money.

Basically having two husbands for the past five years has been great and she doesn't want to break up with either of you. She's stalling both of you until she's forced to pick one.

Do not report them to work. You want her to keep her job. Also that gives you leverage in the divorce. You could get them both fired.

See a lawyer and find out about divorce. Start the paperwork. Divorce takes time and you can always put it on hold.

You could even divorce her and remain living with her if you must. Divorce makes a statement. Then if she remains with you it’s because she wants to. It also says that you won’t put up with crap.

No matter what you end up doing the worst thing you can do is never bring up the subject of divorce. If you go immediately to how can I save this marriage then you are lost. It sends a message that what she did must not have been all that bad and she didn’t risk anything. You need to show her that she risked everything.

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:43 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

jduff I'm sorry I don't know how to replay to your direct question. But no, his wife didn't tell me. Someone they both work with got fed up with their attitude and decided to rat her out. They entire building they work in knew.

highlight the text you want to respond to, copy it, then in the reply box paste it in there. Then highlight that same text again and then click the Quote button to the left of the reply box.

My suggestion would be to give that informant at her work $400 for giving you the heads up, then you spend the other $400 to help with the cost of attorney and therapy. Pawn the ring. Man, five year LTA is hard to swallow. I think I would lose my shit and have my WW hold up the $800 cash in one hand, the ring in the other, take a pic of her then text it to the OM and say "It appears I get to keep her, the money AND the ring, you SOB! HAHAHAHA!" Then have her block him on her phone immediately.

But don't.

Follow your attorney's advice. However, DO take pics of that $800 cash and the ring and hold on to it. I doubt the OM reported it in his listing of assets during his divorce process so you may be able to contact his XW, tell her about it and then she can decide take the OM back to court to make claim on the full $800 and the ring since it is likely that any assets hidden by one party and discovered by the other party gets to recover that property in full by court order. That is the case in Texas.

Marriages have survived from these kinds of affairs. However, you are NOT obligated to give it a try. In fact, from here on out it is YOUR decision if your want to R or D. Now D doesn't happen overnight. It could take 6 months to 3 yrs to finalize but that means time for you gather your thought, get your ducks in a row, and concentrate on healing yourself from this. You won't know with certainty what you want until you get some clarity. MY advice is always file first, THEN see where you heart lies on the matter later. That way, after you had some time to process all this and really think things through, then decide to go forward with the D then you don't have to wait much longer to finalize. However, if you decide you want to give R a chance, you can stop D at any time.

Consider letting your doctor know about your situation as well so that he can monitor your health. Don't be embarrased about it. They've heard it all.

Sorry man, 5 years. that's not a mistake. That is cold calculating treachery.

My wife had three, one was 1.5 years. I don't have a day that I don't think about this, but she is working hard for R. We are in our sixth year. It is better now, but still painful. You are on the rollercoaster of your life one way or the other.

Do you want to save this?

if not do what ORDINARYDUDE said

"Screw that, pawn the ring and put all that cash into your new bank account that she doesn’t have access to."

Use it for the divorce and therapy, but don't return it. You would be bankrolling his next affair.

If you want to save this AND SHE DOES THE WORK, use the cash to pay for the therapy you both will need.

She needs to change jobs ASAP. if she shows any hesitation, she will show her desires and she is not all in for R. If she has already sent out resumes then she MAY be all in.

Most likely her HR already knows about the affair if many people know. If he was/is in a supervisory roll, HR will have to deal with him.

DON'T BELIEVE HER. Her actions are what counts if you care to R. If you don't, get into therapy, use the 800 and the ring to fund the divorce and therapy, and move on to a better life.

See your doctor to get something to help your sleep. Get STD testing too.

Who is supporting you? do you have close family or friends to talk to? She can't help you through this. This will be difficult but not impossible to get through with D or R. D or R are your choices and not hers. Do your children know? They deserve to know at some point and they will model your response in their lives? They will need IC too when they find out one way or another.

Oh, and please don't do the pick me dance.

don't tell her "I want to save the marriage."

She needs consequences. She needs to feel doubts about your desire to continue the marriage. Be cool, calculating. Don't cry in front of her. do that elsewhere. Make a list of things to do without her, maybe only with the children. document everything you do with the children.

Exercise if you don't.

drink water, not alcohol.

Let you boss know what you are going through.

Tell her you want divorce upfront with an amicable settlement and it's up to her to convince you to remarry her.

You'll at least know in short order where she's at.

Instead of wasting 2-3 years to find out through R

I suspect she's just caught up in the shock of being caught.

Don't be surprised if she doesn't take him up on his offer.

She's been his for 4 years.

Sorry you've been dumped on like this.

SJS,

I am very sorry that this has happened to you, but this forum is full of people who have gone through infidelity and come out the other side, so plenty can advise you from their real world experience.

There's a ton of things that can be said and done, but right now, please focus on yourself and your health. There is a good chance that you are in shock at the moment, as the discovery is so new. Many people go through that. So please, before you start thinking about the bigger questions, make sure that:

1) You are eating regularly (even if you don't have much appetite, and you only eat a little).

2) You keep yourself hydrated.

3) You reach out to people around you who can be supportive. That may be family, it may be friends.

4) You make no promises to your wife about anything. It is way too soon to be making any commitments, so put all of that on hold.

5) You speak to your boss and tell him about your domestic situation if this starts to impact on your performance at work.

6) You do not suffer in silence. If this hits your health or mental well-being, please go and see your physician.

My heart cries for you, SJS, but I want you to know that you will survive this, and you, as an individual, will prevail, no matter what happens with the marriage.

Yeah...no.

Just to be clear you know if she suggests or insists that she should go meet up with OM to "break up", give back his ring and $, to me that means she is still wrapped up with him and the A.

More than interested in R with you...Be aware of her moods and actions, and careful about going along with stuff she suggests. Keep your eye on what YOU want to do. She needs to prove that she is worthy or R not the other way around.

ETA

Jduff -I think I would lose my shit and have my WW hold up the $800 cash in one hand, the ring in the other, take a pic of her then text it to the OM and say "It appears I get to keep her, the money AND the ring, you SOB! HAHAHAHA!"

2 out of 3 aint bad. You know the $800 is worth $800 and the ring a few hundred more

The value of her words and tears are still undetermined, when her surprise of being caught wears off there's a chance she will return to the OM now that he's single...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 7:54 PM, March 22nd (Thursday)]

great post by Michigan.