SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ahh this one sucks for me, and it hits home pretty hard. My kids told me before my husband did . We just didn't realize the details and what they meant until we put everything together. Because of this my kids both look at their father differently and don't really talk to him that much. Our household will never be the same again.

A couple thing I want to bring up.

Affairs have nothing to do with love. My husband had an affair because he loved himself first before anyone.

Teaching our children love conquers all isn’t a good life skill. Teaching our kids people do the wrong thing. Make decisions based on self. Showing them right from wrong. Taking corrective actions when a wrong happens. This is a life skill and reality.

As to the household never being the same again, maybe the household will be different as the spouse faces their “demons” develops better coping skills. Those coping skills get passed to the children.

Human beings do the wrong thing. Human beings also have the ability to use life experience to change for the positive.

I have started trying to tell my kids. They are in their upper 30's and 40. The affair happened 35 years ago and I was totally destroyed. My kids do NOT want to hear it BUT I am going to either tell them or put it out EVERYWHERE!!!

My son died at 9 years old and I still don't really know if he was mine or not. My youngest has had many problems from the marriage and is still in MAJOR denial. She has had MANY "mistakes" but her husband has stayed with her. I think she needs this this the most since she apparently has learned well at her mother's knee.

To me they need to know that the only person that was married at the time was me, mom never loved me and told me that she only married me "to get out of the house!" she said that she only planned to be married to me for a year or so. We went on to have 2 1/2 kids over the next 6 years and supposedly started her last affair after she was already pregnant with "my" son.

It was an exit affair, it was at least the 2nd affair that I am aware of. I have kept her secret for all these years and I'm not going to keep it any longer. Just my point of view YMMV.

I just realised that this was the reconciliation thread so I probably should not have posted here but I'm sure the Mods (who do a great job) will let me know if I should pull this. Thanks

[This message edited by Candyman66 at 9:51 AM, January 10th (Wednesday)]

Thanks everyone for your replies. This post has been really helpful to me and hopefully others here. I can sit with this a little easier now. I still don't feel good that I am hiding things from dd but I don't see a point in telling her anything unless it comes up in the future. She knows I am a really private person and I don't think she would hold it against me. I do think she would understand. We are really close but I am still not as open as she is to me. I think this also comes from my mother telling me way too much about herself and relationship/marriages that I really didn't want to know as a young person and should never have been told.

Candyman66 not sure what part you're from but I have no problem with anyone, even waywards posting on my posts.

No, absolutely not. Our kids are elementary age and divulging marital dirty laundry to them is highly inappropriate in my opinion. My kids don’t ask why we split up anymore. They did at first when we separated 2 years ago, and we just said mom and dad don’t get along anymore, we fight too much. They were satisfied with that answer. We had marital problems before the A, so it wasn’t the only reason we split.

We are amicable and they see their dad a lot. They’ve adjusted so it’s been a non-issue. I think older teens and adult kids are different. I think that depends on what your kids ask to know. Even if they ask, I don’t think they should get a blow by blow detailed account. Just enough info.

Idk, I think it be akin to having money problems. I wouldn’t keep Bobby and Susie in the dark about not having money for toys, or extras, or why we have money problems. But in no way shape or form would I clue them in I’m up crying at night worrying where the next meal will come from. Don’t trick them, but also continue the sense of safety and security.

For anyone that wants to tell younger kids... just make sure you are truly telling for their best interest and not because deep down it’s a way to hurt your cheater. I’m not saying anyone motives are that, just have a real honest look at your reasons for doing so bc you are about to take away some innocence. Can’t put toothpaste back in the tube. If you are worried about them understanding healthy relationship and effects of fidelity, save that for close to adult/adult kids.

No, our kids don't know. I am guilty of speaking of it when they've been within earshot, but they haven't asked or seemed to have paid attention, and I've told H I will try to control myself better about that.

My kids just turned 5 and 7, they were 3 and 5 during the course of the affair. My H was brazen and allowed her to become a regular in our life during the EA but not PA portion of his infidelity- she was his "bff" and they took my kids out and we spent time at her house with her and her exH and our kids played with her stepchildren. Shortly after DDay my oldest asked when they'd see COW again and I said never; that COW was a bad person and hurt mommy a lot and we don't like her anymore. She didn't ask for details and as a new six year old accepted that as it. I think they've almost forgotten about her, the youngest mentioned her briefly when she revealed H and COW had taken her out to buy the hair detangler when I pulled it out to use it on her and H took the detangler when he heard that and tossed it in the trash.

It was all pretty repulsive. H revealed that he began to see her manipulations when during one conversation towards the end of their A she said that if they ever didn't work out she'd feel so heartbroken over never being able to see our oldest again; he recalled feeling annoyed by that statement because that wasn't her daughter. Apparently she made that statement a few times. Funny that once they took it physical she never saw our daughters again, once he couldn't pretend they were just friends, I guess.

We told our children. We still talk about it from time to time in front of them and with them. We chose to use it is as a learning platform. My daughter knew something was going on with mom for the first two years after Dday. Not to mention leaving/or kicked out within the first two years several times. The youngest is now 6 and hasn't a clue. The oldest is now 9 and understands that Daddy disrespected mommy and chose to like another woman which you don't do when married. There isn't any details. Just that Daddy made hurtful choices and wasn't being responsible. Friends do not treat friends this way. Married people do not break vows which are promises. Then we use it to show how to fix our bad choices. To say sorry and mean it by fixing it. To forgive and try harder. Just last week my daughter had a problem with a friend from school and we used how to forgive someone when they really mean it and work for it. My wife simply said to our daughter, "Where would Daddy be if I didn't choose to forgive him?" Her friend just chose to play with someone else during recess, but our daughter took it hard.

IMO it is important for the children to know what is going on. At least they will know who and where to come to if anything similar happens to them. It is a family unit and cheating IMO is a family problem because the cheater has put their family at stake. Not just the spouse and marriage, but the safety and security of the family. We become bad parents while cheating. We treat the other parent badly and cruelly. We take time from the children. We abandon our duties as a provider and parent. We put stress on the family and the BS. We are horrible role models. The children deserve to know who dropped the ball and to show them how to pick it back up. I agree with Dr. Phil (yes my wife has me watch related shows to infidelity or my past issues) on many things, but not on adult problems are adult problems and should not be shared. Children need to learn by example on how to become healthy mature adult and infidelity is a very large issue in society. The responsibility should never be on them and it should be made clear that they are not to blame of course.

If R turns bad. The wayward doesn't change. Then the children also should know why. Who is responsible and to know that the person is not a good role model.

I told my son who is 10. Lying is not acceptable for me which is why I am filing for divorce.

Here are some things to consider if you should or should not tell the kids. I fell into the last bucket

Probably not: If the couple agree that they wish to remain in an intact marriage and continue to live together, and the person involved in the affair is no longer in the picture, then there is probably no reason to involve the children. It’s none of their business, and may stir up negative emotions for everyone involved.

Possibly so: Even when parent stay together, if one of the people involved in the affair was a neighbor, teacher, or other person who the family no longer has contact with, the child may need a deeper understanding of why the “friendship” ended.

Possibly so: If the couple continue to work on the marriage, but many people in the community already know the affair has happened, and there is a good likelihood that the child will find out anyway, it may be better to hear it from their parents first.

Probably so: If a couple choose to stay together but are clearly in emotional turmoil related to the aftermath of the affair, then the children may need to understand why their parents are behaving as they are.

Probably so: If one partner wishes to separate from the other either because the unfaithful one wants to continue the affair, or the affected partner cannot bear to live with a cheating mate, then if the children are of an appropriate age, they deserve a clear explanation of what is going on.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 10:00 PM, January 12th (Friday)]