SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Actually, Northern Girl, I must confess that it WAS honestly hard for me to start a RA. Although I was a fun slut in my distant past, I was so accustomed to being the conservative good girl in the prior 10 years or so. It was hard to break out of that good girl mold I'd conditioned myself into. It was like a shock. I actually did chicken out of a few meetups I'd arranged with guys online in the months prior (one I politely cancelled plans with beforehand, the other never got back to me about plans so turns out he was already planning to stand me up anyway). I kept second guessing the possibility that perhaps my husband didn't do anything physical, not because I believed such a possibility, but because as a teacher and disciplinarian, I'd had it engrained in my head to always have proof before handing out consequences. Plus, I had become very very shy and scared of rejection in recent years, as a combination of becoming a good girl, and my husband's cheatings bringing down my esteem, and the rejections I'd already faced from men I'd broached for RAs in prior months. It was much easier for me to stay home and masterbate to cheating fantasies while my children slept in their separate bedrooms and while my husband was off "working" or whatever. which is what I actually spent many, many lonely Saturday nights off before I forced myself to go out by myself and actually pursue something. So actually, chickening out would have been the easy way out for me. What I did took balls, and took me out of my comfort zone but for what I felt was a necessary purpose. I'm glad I did it.

Oh, it was as easy as breathing for me. That kind of surprised me after the fact, but it was. In a way, that pisses me off more. I could find someone suitable in 20 minutes for a hook-up, do it with no hesitation and "perform" well, yet had behaved perfectly well for 5 years despite all the opportunities in the world to not do so. He paid for it because he couldn't find someone so easily and lacked confidence. It would have been so easy for me to cheat at any time, but I never would have. He had to actually try to cheat and put forth money and wound up with people who just wanted his money and didn't actually want him.

It was not a struggle for me not to be loyal before DDay. That's not who I was. Empathy is kind of important. When he realized how easy it was for me to do it after my RA, I think that was quite humbling. All that time I hadn't when it wouldn't have taken much effort on my part to do so. I could have had someone new every damned day, but I wouldn't have hurt him that way. I was loyal.

Si is about getting out of infidelity. It seems there are a few people on this thread who, if not actively promoting revenge adultery or get even fucking, are justifying it. You want to go have an RA, find it easy to do or not, but promote it as being helpful in healing and a positive experience you are simply a common unremorseful adulterer.

I hope I haven't come across as recommending an RA. I don't recommend them. I don't think they fix anything.

Devastated Dee, my husband and I are like yours. We paid money because we felt it'd be a struggle otherwise. Not directly paid like your husband did, but indirectly by paying strippers generously for lap dances, which led them to want to "help us out" as courtesy for us being both good tippers and cute. It would not have been hard for me 10 yrs ago but it is now. I feel like my looks have gone downhill and I'm socially retarded now. :( It's pathetic actually. And I know I'm not the only one who thinks and says these things about me too, it's sad.

So Carebearshare, you're saying a RA is bad but anything else is ok?

No I think if the betrayed wants a RA, that's their perogative. That's not for me. If the betrayed wants their partner to experience some of the pain by saying they had a RA when they actually didn't is their prerogative too. The relationship is already broken. Just don't break laws.

I wouldn't do either of those things but I do understand where they are coming from and I disagree with the poster who said lying was pathetic but RA wasn't okay.

I think a lot of betrayed might do out of character Stu. I sent a nutty letter in the early days. That's not something I'd normally do.

I don't know if I'm expressing myself well. Just saying that in the hurt, shock and grief of b-day, I could see how someone might decide to lie and say they cheated too, to "get back" at the ws.

To me, an affair is an affair. I don't care what qualifier you put in front of it. All affairs are justified in the cheaters' mind - I'm having this affair for fun, because I deserve it, because I want to feel young, because my spouse doesn't love me, because my spouse doesn't fuck me, because my spouse is cheating, because my wife serves leftover, because I work so hard, because my spouse works too much, because my wife loves the children more than me, because I want to even the score.

Healthy people deal with shit with healthy productive coping mechanisms. If those things don't come naturally, they can be learned in therapy.

The OP will not be returning to this thread.