SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You've gotten lots of good advice.

I wonder if we are a bit alike. I attack problems with gusto . . . reading everything I can, IC, journaling. I remember feeling really annoyed when people on here would remind me that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity because I still had to live my life at 10 months out. I was still married. I was still a mother. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. I didn't want to feel like I was in a holding pattern or not living my real life.

But with the perspective of a little time, I can say that you only get to acceptance by feeling all of the anger. You have to process it and name it and let the sun shine on it.

And I too remember feeling like there must be more that he didn't tell me, thanks to the TT process. It just really takes a lot of time and so many positive experiences between DDay and the present that, while you'll never forget or feel indifferent about the affair, you have a great distance between you and it.

I was always hopeful that after passing certain milestones, like the length of time the affair lasted or one year since the start, since the PA, since DDay, etc., I would feel more distant. And sure, that helped mentally, but I'm not sure it helped emotionally. That only happened by my present life being totally different than it was during the affair and the period immediately after DDay.

So my advice is just to keep trucking along. I don't think you can catapult yourself from anger to acceptance, but you can help yourself release the anger by figuring out the vulnerable part of you that it's protecting. You might tell your husband, "I'm afraid that I can't trust you again. I so desperately want to trust you and allow you to support me, but I'm too hurt and scared."

I found Desmond Tutu's Book of Forgiving very helpful. You can substitute acceptance for forgiveness if that word overwhelms.

On my hard days I still struggle with separating what is happening now vs. what happened two years ago and deciphering the new husband vs. the old so I find what you've read to be true. Having the floor fall out from under your life followed by the all-exhausting effort it takes to piece it together of what even happened does that to a person. All sense of safety disappears and leaves you grappling for quick answers, an end to the pain, and hope of getting your life back together- the quicker the better.

DH tries to gently remind me to look at today. He'll say things like, "do you like the man you see now, since I've been working on myself? If so then please just continue to give me time to prove this is the man I am and will continue to be." Those words can help refocus me to the present and away from the traumatizing past.

So much just comes in time and with trial and error of what works for you. Like swmnbc said, just keep trucking along and trying to process things one tiny piece at a time. :)

Absence of catching them in a lie is not proof that the lie doesn't exist. You can't prove a negative. There must eventually be some faith-based trust given out. Just the way it is.

HouseofPlane, I know you are right. I can't seem to make that leap, and even the tiniest steps seem scary. If I keep believing that there is more, I won't be disappointed or hurt when there is. But really, I will be hurt either way because it means he was still holding out after all this time. Worrying doesn't protect me from anything, but I still can't stop myself. I need to work on this.

psychmom, thank you for your insight. It always helps to hear from people who are much further along in this process. Dust is definitely still being kicked around here. More time, more truth, and more consistency sounds good. I am going to ask my WH to read this thread, too I think.

You asked Derailed:

I'd be interested in hearing what books you read on acceptance and if there are any you'd recommend?

I have found 'The Reality Slap' by Dr Russ Harris to be useful in practising acceptance. He talks about a process/program called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)