SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Life is a series of snapshots and nobody sails through maintenance free. In fact, it's the folks who feel they don't have to be on guard that are the frequent victims of self laid ambushes in life.

If we base life purely on its potential rather than results then we're falling into the wayward thinking trap. Look at what is right there. If you like it and trust it, go with it. If it isn't enough, stay away. Don't assume things as they are will be always as they are simply because someone told you they will be. That's a good way to be miserable your entire life and not bother to try to change anything for the better.

Just because someone *can* change doesn't mean you have to or even want to stay with them or ever trust them again. If it's going to worry at you for 20 years then he could be perfect and that violation of trust simply did too much damage for perfection from here on out to ever regain your trust. That's how it goes sometimes.

Don't base everything on whether or not he can change but make sure you are looking at what you want and can accept. Even if he does decide to change that's a ton of work on your part to keep going with him, it doesn't suddenly change for the better over night. Is that work you really want to put in, assuming he goes in 100%? If he isn't in 100% then serial cheater or not it won't work anyway.

Serial cheating equals philandering. And it basically encompasses anyone who constantly seeks out, creates, takes advantage of the opportunity to make an A possible.

Just to clarify, you've got a philanderer on your hands if they are constantly seeking out, creating, and taking advantage of any poor boundary ... so that doesn't mean they get all the way to an A each time. It means they are always reaching out, grasping, ready, willing and able. So to me someone who has had more than 1 A with more than one OW meets that definition b/c once could be a tragic error or the cowards way out. But twice? That's a seeker. A seeker that's only managed to get lucky twice. That you know of. (And what about all the EA's that never darken your door to know about? Yup, philanders have one of those in every port.

Don't base everything on whether or not he can change

Part of this also means it's not a question of IF he can change, it's a question if of if he WANTS to. From your outside perspective, you could judge him capable of change, but well ... if he doesn't want to, your judgement call means nothing.

Just more food for thought as you puzzle through how you feel and what you want to do. It's hard for me to respond to threads in JFO and General because my tolerance for whiney crap and "but I'm trying" mom excuses from a WS pretty much doesn't exist anymore hence the bluntness

[This message edited by cayc at 5:39 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

Peace,

What is your WH diagnosis? Are you sure this isn't something he is deliberately using this as a means to keep you from leaving?

Out--I'm hesitant to say online exactly what he has just in case his main EA/PA reads here and has figured out who I am. They've been NC for 18 mo and she has no business knowing his diagnosis. But yes, he has had multiple tests at a highly respected research hospital and his doctor is confident of the diagnosis. This is real and it's a terrible disease and there is no way to fix it.

On the plus side we had a long talk last night and I made it abundently clear that I do not accept perceived marriage problems as a reason for his As and that giving me that excuse is emotional abuse. I've been hurt enough, I'm still angry with myself for putting up with as much as I did, and I will not allow him to blame me for his As. I'd given him a book to read and he claims he's read a little. I suspect "a little" is the first page of the preface but something is getting through to him. He finally answered my questions with what I believe were complete, nondefensive and honest answers. We're up to 5 PAs, although the count seemed to be a little iffy and I suspect he's only counting full old-fashioned sex.

Do I feel like he finally and truly "gets it"? No. Too much of his language is still about him and his shame and what he was about to lose and very little of it is about remorse over the way he hurt me. I told him that does very little to make me feel safe. But I've noticed these talks happen, he processes them, and the next time we talk his viewpoint has shifted slightly and points I made have become truths he's discovered. I guess that's progress.

[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 11:32 AM, April 29th (Monday)]