M Taylor
Your post does not surprise me, and you are not letting anyone down. no one is hoping for R. What we all hope is is that you do what is right for you and your kids. your wife has destroyed your marriage as you knew it and loved it, and i believe you have some very difficult problems in front of you, some of it caused by being in such a small town that you cannot help.
I think the following
(1) Your wife has shown way too much empathy for the OM, even in the way she broke it off. She is not even angry with him for continuing to pursue her after she broke up. (FB request). I think you should go back in and look at what he responded when she declined, and since you reblocked it if it is not there you know she deleted it and went back in because she wanted to read it.
(2) In a town that size where they are certain to run into each other at school functions without you around, with her attitude towards him, i doubt seriously if she is just going to walk away when he approaches and you are not around. the story you will get if you find out is that what was she supposed to do, not be cordial. And a couple of these little meet ups and here you go again. and she will blame it on circumstances as far as not maintaining NC. You should have CHANGED all of her contact information so if it starts only she could have initiated it.
(3) her mid life crisis is NOT going away anytime soon, even with IC, so if the fear of growing older is what she claims was a major catalyst, that is with you for a while
(4) She has at least one friend who gave her number out, and possibly more, who know about this, and she has not told you how that thought it was awful. Translation to me is they are cheerleaders if not enablers, and any excuse to go somewhere with girlfriends should be a real signal to put your anteneas up.
because of her real lack of remorse, and caring about this POS is not remorse, fuck the fog shit, she only banged him twice, you are either going to have to blindly trust her or embark on a major snooping expedition if you want to feel at all safe. And that ain't no fun.
You are making a big mistake if you do not install the VAR in her car, and the GPS, and if she has an I Phone you can track where that is. Maybe after a few months with no fuck ups you might feel a little better.
If you feel confident there has been NC so far, I would still urge you to hire a PI from another town to follow her the entire first week of school when you know she will see him without you around. If you can afford it, i would do it sometime before that too.
In the small town, she can be with him in minutes, and i am guessing you do not know where they did it, although i am guessing his house.
if he is still after her and you do not offer him any consequences like a RO, he will not give up because she has shown she cares still by not being emphatic to him about NC and threatening to file a report.
We all realize the tough situation. I believe you will wiond up catching her again, but i hope i am wrong, and i hope you catch her before you get blindsided again.
you seem to be a very good man, and do not deserve this shit.