SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When my wife, out of the blue, sat me down and told me about her 1 ½ year affair with one of my best friends, I had an odd, but intense thought that encircled the numerous other disorienting, distressing and debilitating feelings that where flurrying around in my dazed mind.

As I was quietly absorbing this frightening, uncharted, new reality, a peculiar thought persisted. And I must state that to this day it is as robust as it was on D-day.

As the years of hard work, mutual empathy, and shared compassion have passed, disorientation has regained level, distress has softened, and debilitation has given way to strength. But what has not changed one iota sense D-day was that one, strange, connecting thought I had as my wife’s voice shakingly spoke of her infidelity: "My God, telling me this is the bravest thing that you (my wife) has ever done!"

Please, don’t get me wrong, bravery is not absolution or justification for bad actions. All I am trying to convey is that for me, at that moment, that thought was the faint light of hope in a descending darkness of despair.

Asterisk

My husband did not come clean of his own accord (quite the opposite), but he definitely did some brave/hard things after DDay that tilted the scales toward reconciliation.

Did your wife say why she felt compelled to tell you?

Grieving,

I am so sorry you had to find out through discovery verses discloser. I think that way is extremely more difficult to process.

Thanks for adding to this thread. We were always close and loving but at the same time my wife for the 1st 17 years of our marriage was unhappy being married to me. She liked me and was kind to me, (So I did not know of her unhappiness) but never, from the very beginning, was she passionate or sexually drawn to me. When she was about 2 1/3rds into her affair she realized that she didn’t love her affair partner and turned her attention and sexual attraction back towards me. At this time I was unaware of her affair and just thought that God had finally answered my prayers and our relationship soared to amazing heights. She ended her affair about 4 months later and for the next 1 ½ years things were amazing. I think guilt finally became too heavy for her to bear. Her going in that direction was completely out of character for her. Thanks for asking.

Asterisk

In opposition to trickle truth a confession and coming clean with even the unspeakable truth that infidelity is, feels brave because no matter the terrible harm that the partner did to you, they are letting you in their inner world where they cast you out when betrayed.

It’s like someone shooting you with a fatal wound, but moved by remorse’s trying to save you by tending the wound they inflicted.

This is why the truth is powerful and healing, even if the horror remains.

Trickle truths…

That’s like pouring salt and vinegar on the open wound and making everything to be damn sure that it never closes.

So I believe what you felt is genuine because it actually is brave.

Asterisk, are you reflecting back, or was this a recent conversation? I'm assuming the former, but just checking to make sure.

BackFromTheStorm,

In opposition to trickle truth a confession and coming clean with even the unspeakable truth that infidelity is, feels brave because no matter the terrible harm that the partner did to you, they are letting you in their inner world where they cast you out when betrayed.

It’s like someone shooting you with a fatal wound, but moved by remorse’s trying to save you by tending the wound they inflicted.
This is why the truth is powerful and healing, even if the horror remains.====
Truer words were never spoken.

Trickle truths…

That’s like pouring salt and vinegar on the open wound and making everything to be damn sure that it never closes.====
Also, spot on. However, I wish I could state that there was no trickle truth. There was some and I believe that there were a couple of lies that terrible night, that never were cleared up. And those beliefs I held then and now, haunted me. There came a point in time that I had to simple accept that I will not know everything. I know that what I am about to say is not widely accepted here but it is my firm belief that her infidelity is her story to willingly tell, not my right or desire to force her to share.

So I believe what you felt is genuine because it actually is brave.

Thanks for sharing your support of my view on the issue of bravery.

Asterisk

Pogre,

Asterisk, are you reflecting back, or was this a recent conversation?

Reflecting back. June and October are the two months that still cause me a bit of discomfort. June was the month she disclosed and October was the month I moved out for 5 months.

We don’t have conversations about the affair anymore. Any and all feelings I carry now I believe are my issue to resolve. I do not need to drag my wife into my inner weaknesses. Yes, she caused the issue but one of the things I learned by reading here is that at this stage of the healing process it is my sole responsibility to find my inner peace and safety. No one, no God, no friend can grant me these things. Though I am at rest and comfort most of the time, I do still find myself slipping back a few paces, especially in June and October.

Thanks Pogre for asking and I hope this answered your question.

Asterisk

[This message edited by Asterisk at 3:44 PM, Thursday, October 29th]

Thanks for sharing.

I say that because I think being betrayed by a cheating partner is too big to describe from the only point of view a BS can have. IMO, the more people describe their experience, the better one's understanding will be.

I was not consciously aware of my W's bravery when she revealed her A, but I certainly thought the fact that she revealed it was a reason to hope for the best. Her bravery was in the background, since W told me ow had kept up a fairly constant threat against my well-being and that of our son and his then W. Now that you mention it, I know it took courage for my W to decide to risk the effects of stopping her A.

I remember a member over on the WS posting and thinking how brave he must be to confess to his W, it dawned on me that my own H was the same. My H confessed to me years after the fact, on New year eve of all days.

After my H confessed (not cleanly I might add) he said that he knows that what he has done to me is unacceptable and unforgivable but if I could give him a chance to prove himself he would do anything for that opportunity. I think I spent a further 2 weeks floating around in life before it eventually hit me what he actually told me, then the shakes - something I’ll never forget is how my body reacted.

One of the worst things my H has ever told me is throughout our M, my happiness would bring out his guilt so he resented my happiness, he tried to keep me as evenly as possible. I think this is grotesque, vile and disturbing but I respect him for the bravery it takes to admit something so despicable.