First off, I am so sorry you find yourself here. As one father of three to another, I can relate to far more of what you've written than I wish I could.
I'm coming up on one year since my own D-Day, after 19 years together and 15 years of marriage. My wife had two affairs, years apart, and we've spent much of the last year living under the same roof in a strange combination of separation and attempted reconciliation. So when you talk about being trapped in that unhealthy limbo, I understand exactly what you mean. There's something particularly cruel about having the person responsible for so much of your pain still occupying the same space where you're desperately trying to find some peace.
What really struck me about your post was the part about not feeling like you've won anything. I think people sometimes confuse keeping the house, maintaining stability for the children, or being the primary parent with somehow coming out ahead. But none of us signed up for this competition, and there certainly isn't a prize worth the price we've paid. You wanted your family, your marriage, and the life you believed you were building together. Having to salvage pieces of that life isn't winning. It's surviving.
I can only imagine the anger and disgust of having to facilitate FaceTime calls between your children and their mother while knowing she's overseas with another man. There's an extraordinary amount of emotional restraint involved in putting your children's needs ahead of your own pain under those circumstances. I hope you give yourself some credit for that, even if it doesn't feel particularly admirable while you're living it.
One thing I've learned over this past year is that you don't owe anyone your entire story. Not here, not anywhere. I've written extensively about my own experiences, partly because putting words to the chaos has helped me make sense of it, but everyone processes this differently. Sometimes simply saying, "I'm hurting, and I could use someone who understands," is more than enough.
And I particularly appreciate what you said about wanting people who understand betrayal without making it their entire identity. That's something I've been wrestling with myself. Betrayal has consumed an enormous part of my life over the last year, but I refuse to let someone else's choices become the defining feature of who I am for the rest of it.
I don't have some magical piece of advice that's going to make tomorrow easier. I haven't even figured all of this out for myself. But I can tell you that you're not alone in what you're feeling, and you don't have to justify the anger, grief, or exhaustion to people who have walked a similar road.
For what it's worth, I don't read your post and see a broken man. I see a father trying to hold his children's world together while his own has been falling apart. Those are two very different things.
Welcome, brother. I wish neither of us had a reason to be here, but I'm glad you reached out.
