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Reactive Jealously?

Im 20 months out from my exH, who left me and my children, post affair for my best friend and neighbour, they are till together now which is really hard.

Ive worked lots of myself with therapy, EDMR, exercise and studying. Im happier without him but at times it's still hard, co-parenting with a covert narcissist who likes to rewrite history and make up stories is difficult.

I have moved on and met a lovely kind man, who makes me happy. But recently Ive developed Reactive Jealousy on his past dating, stalking his social and obsessed with his past girlfriends thinking I'm not good enough. Has anyone else experienced this? Im also finding uncertainty on the relationship hard (I know, no relationship is certain)

Ive booked to start therapy again from this and done some research and apparently, it's a sign of OCD with the mind loops and is common post ptsd and trauma.

Any help appreciated. Not sure how long this lasts but it's pretty brutal.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

It’s probably a reaction to the Ex and you are in some way trying to protect yourself.

Maybe you feel as though "you should have known" the Ex was cheating. And maybe that is why you are "investigating" the new guy. As a way to protect yourself.

My suggestion is to take things slow with this new relationship. Test the waters and keep your eyes open for red flags. Just b/c you may see some red flags 🚩— doesn’t mean you have to act on them.

I don’t see anything wrong with doing domestic intel via social media on people you may want to date. But if it really becomes obsessive then seek professional advice.

Uncertainty in the relationship? Not feeling good enough? Is this new relationship really "making you happy"?

Don't be so quick to put the blame for these uncomfortable feelings on theoretical issues which may or may not be influencing your state of mind. Sometimes it's wise to pay attention to uncomfortable feelings or behaviors, rather than try to discount them or talk yourself out of giving them credence.

Agree with 1st wife that it's absolutely okay to investigate people using social media, etc.

And please give yourself permission to take things slow, and please pay attention to any potential red flags rather than try to explain them away. Sure, those uncomfortable feelings could be some kind of Reactive Jealousy. Or, could be your self-protective inner voice sounding an alert worth acting on.

If you think your feelings and behaviors are truly getting obsessive seeing a therapist is the right thing to do. So far sounds like you're handling things well. When you see the therapist could be a great opportunity to discuss this new relationship - anything about it that's causing concern.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:05 PM, Saturday, September 26th]