SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sept 18 I finally discovered what the "hints" my husband of 26 years, together for 31, has been leaving my were really about.

In the seat of daughter’s car (she is in studying in Europe this semster) I found a wrapper for the generic cialis, cash, and a go pro camera. What I found on that camera were 4 videos of my husband with sex workers performing various acts on my husband. One of which was just from the day before. Weeks earlier I had found text messages on his phone and seemed to be between him and other sex workers, but nothing specifically sexual.

Im just so sad and gutted. I don’t know how to proceed. My husband is seemingly devastated, and I know he was looking for me to find out. I’m just trying to start figuring out life now.

We have three children, the youngest two in college and the oldest working his professional job and studying for law school. I haven’t told anyone and I don’t know if I will. I’ve reached out to some local support groups. But I feel like a shell of myself.

Jaime,

I am so sorry this happened to you. Welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join.

There are a few things you can do right now, since you’re in such early days.

1) get tested for STDs. Make him get tested, and make him show you the results (not tell you.)

2) make sure to eat. If you have no appetite, try protein shakes or power bars. Stay hydrated and get as much exercise you can, it will make you feel better and help you sleep. Low intensity exercise lowers cortisol, so just a long walk will help.

3) talk to a doctor if you need sleeping aids, or anti-anxiety / anti-depression medications.

4) talk to a lawyer. This is just for informational purposes at this point. Just to know what your rights are, to know what a divorce might look like. Having the information will remove one source of uncertainty, and that alone is worth the consultation. Many law firms do the first consultation for free.

5) get a therapist - one who specializes in betrayal trauma

6) he needs to get a therapist too. He may have a sex addiction.

7) eschew marriage counseling at this point.

8) ask him for a written timeline detailing all of his infidelity. Who what when where etc. When he’s done, you can ask him to take a polygraph to prove to you that he’s being honest.

9) you don’t have to do this alone. You can talk to a close friend, or a sibling, or a parent. They will support you - just ask yourself, wouldn’t you do the same if the situation was reversed? You have nothing to be embarrassed about, though that is one of the most common reactions. Totally normal, but believe me, the shame is his, not yours.

It’s so early. Just know that you will survive this, and we are here for you.

Jame717

Im just so sad and gutted. I don’t know how to proceed.

I am so sorry you have found yourself here and five days is incredibly early...you do not need to know how to proceed yet because your mind and body are probably still trying to understand what you have actually seen.

My own situation also involved repeated use of prostitutes and I am a year (today) from DDay now so I understand some of the particular horror of discovering that the person you have trusted and built your life with has had a sexual life you knew absolutely nothing about...for me one of the hardest parts was realising that my health and my right to make informed choices about my own body had been taken out of my hands without my knowledge.

I haven’t told anyone and I don’t know if I will.

I understand this too as I have not told friends or family the full details either and SI became somewhere I could put things that I could not put anywhere else...but please try not to carry all of this completely alone if there is somebody safe you can lean on...please do not feel you have to decide what happens to a 26 year marriage five days after finding out...you are allowed to be devastated confused angry numb or all of those things in the same hour and none of that means you are doing this wrong. You trusted your husband because that is what we are supposed to be able to do in a marriage - the shame is not yours...sending you a huge hug because I remember how unreal those first days felt and you really are not alone here.

You had good advice.

All I felt when you described the thing, was a "holy shit".
I wonder what’s up that we are allowing ourself to be so fucked up that we do this kind of dumb and pathetic shit.

It ain’t even sexy, is just greasy and repulsive.

"We" spoken as metaphor of course, but the point is that is so fucking stupid for a single one to do that crap, how comes married people find that appealing…

Regardless, I have faith I. Humanity. Some can dig incredibly low like this guy. As many or more can actually rise.

This is not your fault and it is all on him and his low self worth (quite a greasy one) and really I would find it comical and pathetic if it wasn’t for the horrible pain and abuse he caused you.

Which is most important to heal now. You deserve better. Put yourself first.
Don’t compress the emotions that are storming you inside right now. You need your pain to be heard. You have been heard.

And we understand what you feel.

You will survive this.
(And he still is pathetic)

Jamie, I wanted to add that I know exactly how it feels to see your partner filmed performing sexual act with the affair partner.

That’s the kind of shit you can’t unsee. Ever.

I know what you feel, but I wanted also to reframe it with a pinch of dark humor for what it truly is:

A deeply flawed low self worth person, pushed to embrace and display his most pathetic side of their ego.

And if it makes you want to throw up: is perfectly natural and a measure of their worth.

What does this say about you?

Simple.

You deserve better.

Peace sister

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 3:04 PM, Tuesday, September 22nd]

Why was he so nonchalant about leaving evidence where you could easily find it? Doesn't make sense. WS's typically take EXTREME measures to conceal the affair. My wife ALWAYS remembered to delete her sexting before leaving work, yet forgot that she was supposed to take me to a Dr appointment for an epidural spinal injection :/

Do you think he wanted you to find out? I think this would be one of my number one questions to him

Oh he absolutely wanted to be found out. I know he’s been dealing with depression for a while now, I don’t want to get into all the details and type a big story, but I have no doubt he wanted me to find out. Not to hurt me but as a cry for help, or a cry for something. I mean, of course he knew it was going to hurt me but I don’t think that’s why he left stuff out. Hurt-people, hurt people, either intentionally or not.

Holy shit was my first reaction as well. I am so sorry - that is absolutely traumatizing and nobody deserves to have to see that. I agree with all of the above advice and also I just want to say that this is a LOT to carry on your own and you do not have to. You might consider telling a close friend or a family member - pick someone who is very non judgmental , and maybe you can tell them you have been cheated on without telling them all the details- it’s very easy for friends to say "fuck him you need to leave now !" If they have never been in the situation themselves. But struggling through this alone is nearly impossible . Think about someone you might trust with this , even if you don’t tell them all of the details. Having someone to support you , distract you , just let you cry. You have nothing to be embarrassed about as you weren’t the one who did this. Focus on taking care of yourself make sure you are eating and sleeping. For me, I got my doctor to give me sleep medicine and increase my antidepressants dosage just to get through when I couldn’t function. Get a counselor that specializes in trauma for sure . And keep posting here when needed , we are here for you.

Wow… If that’s how he cries out for help, what’s he like when he’s hungry?

Look – if this was really caused by his depression and a will to be caught then he’s facing some real mental issues and should be seeking help from a psychiatrist and/or psychologist.
But I fear what you see as intentionality might be some form of coping mechanism for you. Going from an occasional romp with a sex-worker to getting a camera, having them agree to being taped (and having the ability to make that part of the "purchasing package") to having multiple partners… I fear that’s a progression rather than something he jumps into right away.
I fear you might not have the truth.

I used to work in an area that dealt with sex-workers. That experience removed whatever inkling I might have of "the happy hooker". There might be like one every now and then that chose that career and is fine with her choice, but I venture that’s about as common as finding a pear at the clam-restaurant. The vast majority seems to be trafficked, pimped, drug or substance issues, battered households, runaways… Nothing really glamorous.
That’s why I suggest you ask him why he was OK with paying for those services irrespective of the marriage and infidelity. If he thinks sex-work is OK, then would he be OK with your daughter finishing her degree with no student-debt, but offering sex for payment to men like him?

I know this is harsh. But I truly believe reconciliation needs to be from a place of absolute honesty. Both honesty as to what took place, why, how, when… and then a plan for how to rebuild to minimize the likelihood of a repeat.