SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m about 18 months out, and my husband is doing —therapy, support group, listening to my pain, more responsibility at home and with the kids. There are gifts, flowers, tea, affection, plans and thoughtful gestures. I see all of it.

I also know that I’m often not able to receive or accept much of it.

But I still feel like what’s missing is the overwhelming abundance of love?

It hasn’t been nothing. But it hasn’t been so abundant, spontaneous and unmissable that I feel overwhelmed by how deeply I’m loved. I

I am not in any way reconciled and am trying to see if I can feel something that will make the pain of staying, less than the pain of less leaving. And I wonder if a feeling of overwhelming love is what it needs to be?

was feeling profoundly loved part of what eventually made staying possible ?

I know it’s frustrating advice to hear- but only you will be able to know deep down if you want to stay or not. Either decision would be painful but your body knows the truth- pay attention to what you’re feeling over time. Personally I am feeling that my partner really does love me and is trying to show me love, and that makes it all the more confusing trying to equate that with their actions. I think a big part of being cheated on is that underlying feeling of -they must not love me enough- and i don’t know if that ever goes away.. especially after they already make the choice once to choose someone else over you and your wellbeing. It sounds like he is putting in some work but that doesn’t mean you will ever feel loved by him again. Reconciliation is something you try but it doesn’t mean it will always work. You still have the choice to decide if it’s worth it for you or not or if you want to move on , regardless of whatever work he puts in. I hope you find some clarity !

I understand your situation as I felt the same way at the 18 month mark during reconciliation.

I kept waiting to feel better. Or happier. Or healed. Just something was missing.

It was another year or so and I realized I had to heal myself. And if I was going to R I had to be open, honest and vulnerable to getting hurt again - otherwise I was just existing in the marriage but not being IN the marriage.

I know if my H chested again I would be sad and hurt - but not devastated like I was.

Having my own exit strategy has also helped me. It helps b/c it provides me with a sense of security.

The cheater can only help you heal so much - the rest is on you.

At 29 months I am still not ready to commit 100% to the relationship and I'm in no hurry. My wife has done a lot of work and F'd up along the way, just recently, unfortunately.

I had a rule/boundary, no communicating with men outside of work. I found a text exchange between her and a guy at her p/t job. I confronted her, she said I have to maintain a friendly working relationship with these people. The texts, what I saw, were innocent but that didn't matter to me. She walked right thru a boundary because, according to her, she didn't want her co-workers thinking bad of her.

"So you are more concerned about what some people at a part-time job think of you than respecting a boundary I put in place to try and get us through your affair. Great job. You just set our R back greatly."

One step forward, a mile backwards :/ So now she is going back into therapy to work on her, IMO, F'd "need" to people please.

I have accepted the fact that I will never again feel as deeply for her as I did before the affair nor will she ever have my implicit trust again. My ability to trust at that level has been permanently destroyed. I would have laid down my life for her without hesitation in the past but should it ever come to a choice, I will choose me.