SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm posting this purely because I need to talk and I don't know where else to say these things.

In case you've not seen any of my posts, here's a very quick recap:

We've been married for 24 years. My wife had an affair 16 years ago; it was awful and we rugswept. A couple of years ago, I realised I wasn't coping, so started a process of IC, which continues. In the last 18 months, I've had a couple of short conversations with my WW about how I feel; I chose my words very carefully and, though she listened, there wasn't any real impact.

My therapy has helped me gather strength to begin to understand the past, and to make some sort of plan for the future. I decided that my wife and I needed a much deeper conversation, which I believed she would find very difficult and painful, but I felt it was the only way forward, and I hoped that we would be better on the other side of this conversation, whilst recognising that it would be unlikely to fix other issues in our marriage (namely, her complete refusal to engage in a meaningful sex life.)

I was ready for this conversation, then my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. We don't yet know how serious it is, hopefully not very. There are other very significant and stressful family things going on.

There's no way I can initiate this conversation now. It's going to upset her and, at this moment, it would be too cruel. I have no choice, therefore, but to bottle up my feelings again, for who knows how long.

I don't know whether I can go on. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I don't think I am.

Eric,
I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s diagnosis, I truly am but at the same time I feel incredibly sad for you Eric, I don’t like that you feel you should stuff things down because life got in the way.
Most people here myself included have had to deal with other horrific issues alongside infidelity, it’s life.
You don’t get a free pass, a get out of jail for free card because of a diagnosis, it doesn’t work like that I’m afraid.

You never know, clearing things out and laying everything out on the table may well be something you both need right now.
Have your conversation Eric, no more sacrificing yourself.

The thing about stuff like this is there's always something. I agree that your wife suddenly being diagnosed with breast cancer is pretty big and out of left field, but there rarely is a good time for discussions like this. I think you're better off tackling it sooner than later. You've been stuffing it down for long enough.

Eric you’re not thinking of hurting yourself are you?

Eric, I’m probably the champion rugsweeper here, we didn’t talk for 31 years, yes 31! The only reason we talked at that time was I got hit with a huge trigger that was so intense I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

My wife’s affair was 33 years ago and when she told me I was in shock but I never sat her down to talk about it. This was a huge mistake because the longer I put it off the worse it got. I never went to counseling, never told a soul, I buried it deep down inside me and swallowed the pain year after year!

When I triggered 2 years ago I told myself I couldn’t wait another minute, we’re talking now because I couldn’t take any more of the pain, the mind games I made over 31 years were driving me crazy.

Please don’t be like me and wait any longer, this is for your sanity, there’s no perfect time to talk and something will always cause you to put it on the back burner.

Ease her into the conversation if you need to, I asked my wife to read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". After she read it we talked and the book helped explain things to her that I couldn’t.

Firstly, I want to say I love your part of the country. Obviously, I don't know specifically where you are, but if you're a football fan and you're in one of the bigger cities that way, you're in for a great season. Sometimes it's the small things that help keep us grounded.

edit: Actually I see you've mentioned to me before that you're actually from my City, that being a case I fear we're in for a long hard season. When it rains it pours.

Secondly, it may be therapeutic for you to write down specifically what you want to say and keep it for the right time. Pausing this conversation whilst this all pan out can be saw as a tactical delay, not rugsweeping or giving up your progress. Writing it all down gives you an immediate pressure valve so you don't bottle it up, while preserving the clarity and boundaries you've worked hard to build in therapy.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 11:06 PM, Thursday, August 20th]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it.

No, I'm not thinking of hurting myself, or suicide, or anything like that. I recognise that I have too much to live for, and that things will get better.

I'm sorry if I don't reply to each of you individually.

My therapy resumes in a couple of weeks, and that will help. Tonight, I'm going to see The Stranglers, and that will definitely help. I'm not a massive football fan but if I were going to watch a team it would be The Bantams. For anyone not familiar with the UK, I'm in West Yorkshire, a fairly urban/industrial county but an absolutely incredible place and so amazingly varied, from the moors that inspired "Wuthering Heights" to the west, to the flat coalfields of Castleford and Pontefract to the east. I love all of it.

The idea of writing it down is a good one. As I think I mentioned, I did write my wife a letter. I could do that again, and maybe not let her see it (at this stage.)

There's a lot of wisdom and empathy in these replies and I assure you I'll be reading them again.

I think you just need to reframe the conversation but still have it.

"With this diagnosis I want you to know I plan to be here for you and support you in every way possible. However, prior I had been struggling with some things emotionally regarding our part that I was getting ready to broach with you.

I want for us to get through your health issues, and I also want us to get through the sickness I feel over the state of our relationship. It’s hard for me to deal with it hour lack of intimacy in our relationship. It’s complicated further because years again you have that intimacy to someone else. It makes me feel like you don’t desire me.

I am not expecting you to maybe be able to concentrate on that fully right know as we face this but let’s work on our physical intimacy in other ways. I know there is data on how physical touch can improve health and happiness and I want is to work towards that has a team"

And maybe outline some things you would lie to see in growing that. Maybe start with holding each other for five minutes before bed while you talk about your day or things in your mind. Progress to massage. Ask each other for feedback on where you like to be touched the most during the back massage. Creating these scenarios may help you break the barriers until more and more becomes a joyful expression of love.

You can’t keep putting yourself on complete hold. There is never a time that is good to talk about these things. But I think if there was progress towards physical intimacy and connection, this is not a negative thing just because she has cancer.

I will share something personal here. My husband had open heart surgery two months ago. Prior to that because his heart wasn’t working properly it affected his testosterone. In the midst of all that we had some barriers we were working through that had to be put on hold to a certain degree and I just had a very hard conversation with him last night )things are getting back to normal, we had resumed intimacy a month or so ago. I too had some reservations about the timing but letting resentments build up is not something I am willing to do with anyone anymore. Self abandoning is not healthy for anyone, and it has taken a long journey for me to see I deserve to have my needs met (within reason) and to choose myself a healthy amount. I see this as your biggest barrier. It’s not your wife’s health that is keeping you totally at bay, it’s that holding it in seems easier. It’s not easier——it makes you more and more unhealthy.

You are in a pattern of making excuses for not having these conversations, and I think in your mind you have built up resentment so high that the conversations feel complicated. You do not need to use my script but you need to come up with a simple way of explaining it. You do not need to convince her, or beg for what you want. You just need to state it, making sure she understand the issue has become untenable for you. You can reassure her that you plan to be there for her in her sickness but that doesn’t mean there can’t be reasonable progress made towards resolving the issue.

There is a post right now by Truman’s world very high up in the general forum about an article on keeping secrets. Please read it.

Thank you, hikingout. That's good advice and I can see myself using a version of your script. To be honest, I think we're well past working on intimacy. I don't think she has anything to give in that department. I think, in that sense, she married the wrong guy. However, I do see that even a diagnosis of cancer should not be a barrier to truth and, in any case, I'm going under. I'm struggling so much. My head's literally spinning at times. This is unsustainable and I have to do something.