SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm curious and trying to get a general consensus here.

So, back in March I discovered my wife's affair that lasted roughly 1 year. I'll spare the details of her affair for the sake of this post, but its ugly. Her affair partner is a disgusting human with a criminal record pertaining to children. At first, we were trying to reconcile and she SEEMED remorseful. About 1.5 months into working on things, I kept uncovering more lies, secrets, etc. At some point, the mask came off and she completely turned. She went from pretending to be remorseful and taking blame, to blaming me for not being there "emotionally" etc.

Early on, I got the impression she wasn't telling her family the truth about her affair and our relationship, so I tried to put some feelers out to her family and I was met with a total disinterest in hearing my side of the story. As a matter of fact, they have avoided me and my wife has purposely kept me away from anyone on her side. I looked on her phone and saw text messages to certain family and friends calling me emotionally abusive, controlling, and that I'll never change. Which really took me as a surprise, because our relationship was NEVER that way. Long story short, its obvious that the narrative was being re-written by my wife.

Anyways, what are all your experiences with this? I get it, its her family and they're not going to be on my side no matter what. But to totally shut me out when I'm not the one who blew up our marriage? To not reach out at all? It's very isolating and heartbreaking. And to know that I'm being labeled the villain is absolutely insane.

A little more context; I have been with my wife for over 12 years, so these people have known me since I was 18 years old. Also, we have (3) children under the age of 10, so I have to deal with this family for a long time in some capacity.

I get it, its her family and they're not going to be on my side no matter what.

Unfortunately, this is the simple truth. In all of the years my ex and I were together post d-day and trying to reconcile I had ONE conversation with my former MIL. I did not feel any empathy or sympathy from her at all. And I truly loved and respected her.

Let it go, man. It's not fair or right, but it is what it is. Parents are always going to be very protective of their children.

It is entirely possible (probable) that they don't want to get involved. That's understandable to me.

Some people have been kicking this around a little in the divorce forum:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667119/who-do-you-tell-your-sider-of-story/

The tl;dr is it’s a mixed bag. Some people do it some don’t.

I think you’re perfectly in the right to standup for yourself and defend your good name. Given her AP is a child-molester or whatever, there’s an aspect of child safety that you frankly might feel obligated to share.

No in laws of significance to tell. MIL was dead and FIL was already estranged. I probably would have told FIL otherwise.

Her sister already knew and was a WW herself.

Never spoke to them again. I was glad of that.

Her dad ran off with a younger woman and abandoned the family.

Both her brothers were in and out of prison, one robbed a female taxi driver at knife point. The step-dad was a coke head but admittedly a very nice fella when not on a come down.

Jesus, I needed to learn to watch out for red flags back then.

My WXH has only his mother, and we were always tight. We always said we would have been friends regardless. And guess what...we still are! She's my other mother; my son is her only grandchild. It helps that he is grown, but she and I get together and visit each other without ever having to talk about WXH - his name and life never come up between us.

I told her at the beginning about the A, and she was very upset with him. I don't know what their relationship now is and I don't care. I just know that my DS has a great relationship with her and so do I. She has met my new H, she likes to give him hugs, and she gave us a wedding gift. My mom and I go see her so they can maintain a relationship also. She and my mom are both my heroes for how they handled their own divorces years ago and I love them both more than I can say.

I'm glad she believed me. I'm glad we instinctively set boundaries early on about what/who we allow into our relationship. I'm glad to have her in my life. I'm so lucky.

I called the in-laws (all of them) and told them myself.

I knew he was trying to get me to instigate the D so he could be "blameless" and sweep his cheating under the rug.

And blame me for his unhappiness.

I am cordial/friendly to some in-laws and BFFs with others. Whatever they thought of me — at least I made sure they knew he was the liar & cheater.

My in-laws would have immediately taken his side, no matter what.

In fact, my own family would have taken his side.

How do I know that my family would side with my WH?

Because I once had a boyfriend who beat the living hell out me one night, the police put me in protective custody while looking for him - and when I called home to let them know what was going on, my dad asked this question:

"What did you do that made him have to beat you?"

The in-laws aren’t your friends.

Her affair partner is a disgusting human with a criminal record pertaining to children.

I think in your case your in-laws need a heads up that they need to keep an eye on their grandchildren or nieces and nephews (and not just your kids, any kids in the family) while your stbxw is involved with this creature. Even if her affair ends they need to take her judgement into account going forward.

Not with my in law, not with my family not with my friends.

In part it was to preserve her image and reputation. On the other hand it is her call to confess to her family.
It’s the right thing to do for her.

The people who know are her friends who have been around during her affairs, some encouraging others facilitating them.

All dead to me, I would not share anything personal with any of them.
The only two friends I still talk with are the two who were advising her against affairs.

I only talked to one as she was also brutally betrayed recently and she has us as confidants, so my wife openly brought up her betrayals (in front of me) and claimed she should never allow him back.

I agreed so we talked.

Besides her, the other souls are the people here, anonymously.

First call I made was to my Brother-in-Law. My best friend then and now. He told his Parents.

Affairs can't survive in the sunlight and she got plenty of sunlight!

Didn't go well for her for a long time!