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Forgiving MIL and moving forward 15 months on?

I still have a LOT of resentment towards this woman. She made out she was 'supportive' and told me I just needed to let H figure out what he wanted... then I realised he was having the affair. I'm 99.9% sure she knew about it. Yet neither her or H will admit it as I think they know the storm of crap it will cause.

My son was 7 weeks old when the affair came out. I had just lost my dad 2 weeks prior and the day of the night he died he left me to sleep in a hotel room with AP. MIL invited me round her house after he died, not once did she tell him he needed to stay with me, in fact encouraged him to go out with his 'friends'.

She turned up at my house an hour after it had all came out after he left me for her, asking for his stuff... just emotionless. Didn't even ask if I was ok. Made out I was the inconvenience because her son ran out chasing after AP after I messaged her.
I went through an awful breakdown after D Day. I was struggling with horrendous postpartum depression. I was getting threatened with social services, saying I wasn't fit to look after the baby and my other children. She was encouraging him to go for 50/50 contact, despite me having awful separation anxiety.

I've never gotten past it, neither had so much of an apology off her or any acknowledgement of what she put me through. The woman caused me so much trauma. I refuse to go round her house, as time's gone on I've realised the impact it's had on me but I think she's still oblivious. I have SO much hate towards her for making such a traumatic time so so much worse.

The anger is eating away at me, how can she do all of that and then just expect things to carry on like normal? Seeing the woman is triggering. Hearing her voice. Everything about her. Yet I don't think an apology would make anything any better, as I know H would have spoken to her and it would be forced to keep the peace. I resent her for not coming to an acknowledgement herself, it's been 15 months
since D Day. I'm not sure what I'm expecting from her.

Can anybody relate? Or am I deflecting hate onto her rather than H?

I had a very toxic mother in law. The only saving grace was that she shunned me. And that allowed me to have no contact with her. Without guilt.

My H stood up for me and he was no contact with her for decades as well.

I am in the camp that there are certain things that you cannot recover from and this is one of them.

Your story is horrific — and your MIL plays a huge role in it. With that, you can allow your H to have contact w/ her — but you do not have to do the same.

Or you can go low contact - see her at holidays, polite but very distant and no contact in between.

Where does your H stand on this issue?

I had a very toxic mother in law. The only saving grace was that she shunned me. And that allowed me to have no contact with her. Without guilt.

My H stood up for me and he was no contact with her for decades as well.

I am in the camp that there are certain things that you cannot recover from and this is one of them.

Your story is horrific — and your MIL plays a huge role in it. With that, you can allow your H to have contact w/ her — but you do not have to do the same.

Or you can go low contact - see her at holidays, polite but very distant and no contact in between.

Where does your H stand on this issue?

Thank you for your reply. Toxic mother in laws are awful.

He has offered not to speak to her if that makes things easier for me (which it won't) and keeps apologising for her behaviour. Still adamant she didn't know but I don't believe him in the slightest. Yet I feel there's more to this as knowing H, he would have messaged her by now and she would have messaged me apologising. Unless he has and she's refused.

H's dad also had an affair and left MIL for the other woman, which from what she has told me has affected her profoundly - so I'm genuinely shocked as to how she's responded to all of this.

I've tried to tactically get the truth out of H today as to if she did know, and he's slipped up saying that MIL knew of her but not they were together - which is another lie he has told as before he's told me MIL knew nothing about her.

Sigh.

I'm pretty sure my mother in law knew, too, but I don't think she encouraged it. If anything she likely told my wife to get her shit together and stop sneaking around, but didn't go out of her way to let me know what was happening.

I have mixed feelings about it. I know (think?) she loves me, but she of course loves her little girl even more. My wife was almost a vegetable. She suffered a tbi when she was left alone on a bed and fell off at 4 months old. She had constant seizures and would go into status epilepticus almost daily. That's where you have back to back to back to back seizures and don't come out of it. She wasn't supposed to be able to walk, talk or do anything a normal person can do.

Well, her mother refused to give up and went to many different doctors and hospitals to find help. She worked with her tirelessly. The seizures eventually went away and not only that, she graduated high school, grew into a beautiful young woman, got a good job and became very independent. She was also a bit spoiled as a miracle child. They're very, very close.

So I get it. She'd do anything for her daughter. Sometimes to a fault.

After 25 years seizure free they started coming back, but only 3 or 4 a year, and mostly absence seizures that pass within 30 seconds or a minute. Just frequent enough that she hasn't driven in over a year and a half now, tho.

So I'm not sure how to take it. There's no malice or ill intent toward me, but it still feels like a betrayal. Otoh her mother has always had issues with saying "no" or meting out punishments, tho from the stories and also knowing my wife she was a very low maintenance child as far as behavior and staying out of trouble goes. She didn't do much that required much disciplining. Always worked hard in school and got good grades. She's a gifted musician. She has some cognitive blind spots, but she's almost like a savant in other areas. She's wired differently than most of us.

My MIL is an abuser. I took verbal abuse from her for years and shrugged it off to keep the peace. I found out later she abused my H and allowed other family members to abuse him in all ways. She has reverted to constant verbal abuse with my H which has stopped from no contact although we hear that she talks meanly about him, me, our daughter, and other family members. What I didn't see coming (I should have) was that she also became abusive to all of her grandchildren and allowed a family member to verbally and physically abuse two of them (not mine as my children were not left with her alone).

Please watch your children with your MIL. She was disgusting with how she treated you. Try your best to protect your children from her.

MIL is definitely not in your corner. Why would she be? She's supporting her son.

15 months is not enough time to work through this. I don't think the WS have an inclination of the shit storm they cause until after they're caught. At least, my FWH didn't. I think for them, or at least as my FWH explained it, it was as if he was the frog in the pot of boiling water. He didn't know he was cooked until he was.

I didn't tell my MIL. My H is the golden child in his family and can do no wrong. Plus. MIL/FIL are so elderly, I literally couldn't add to their difficulties. I did tell my SIL because she's been through this on the other end....and FWH was talking about moving in with SIL while he figured things out. While I don't know what conversations they had....she did call me later and suggest that FWH initially explained away his whys which she allegedly shut down as "there is no reason for having an A". She is also a mental health professional....and so could be helpful to both of us. (Thank you SIL for handling it so well!)

On the generous side....I'd say she likely got a call from her child requesting support during a difficult time. Though, I think it might be worth a conversation with her if you think she would be open to atoning for her part in your pain.

But, 15 months.....you have every right to feel the way you do. She hasn't made amends for the hurt SHE caused you.

For me, that is what made me hate OW for so long. FWS showed me all his work on the daily....OW (former "friend") never did. Those double betrayals are tough.

How are you doing now? That is a lot!