SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The recent discussions have highlighted certain aspects of myself, and I'm wondering if it's just me, or if others feel the same way. Some weeks after dday1, STBWX mentioned that during his affair, he was hoping I'd met someone and started sleeping with them. I told him the thought of anyone other than him touching me made me want to throw up.

Even now, 6 weeks away from our divorce being official, more than a year of living separately, and probably 2 years since I've had any kind of intimate physical contact with anyone, the thought of someone touching me that way creeps me out. When I try to imagine/fantasize about it, I get turned off. Don't get me wrong - I no longer want STBWX's touch either! That is a HUGE turnoff at this point, but I can't picture myself with anyone.

One of the unfathomable aspects of his affair was how he could get sexually involved with someone else. I asked him why he wasn't repulsed the way I was. He said that he felt "a little weird" about it, and that's why they took things very slowly on the physical front, but it wasn't enough to stop him. And of course, he's been sleeping with someone new since January.

In my case, I'm still so put off by it all that I won't even consider dating. My friends keep asking. LOL! I don't think it's just that I'm "demi-sexual" (that I need an emotional connection first) - there are a couple single men in my social circle, and I can't imagine them as anything other than friends.

This isn't to say that I don't find people attractive. I do! But I have no interest in actually being with them. Am I super weird?

No, you are not.

Pretty healthy and natural reaction for a girl. You are normal.

I will expand on that later

— Ok then , got few mins —

Some weeks after dday1, STBWX mentioned that during his affair, he was hoping I'd met someone and started sleeping with them. I told him the thought of anyone other than him touching me made me want to throw up.

We respect ourselves (and our partner) too much to do that. That’s why it makes you sick.

Wayward before reforming can not understand that.

Is like pooping on the floor of your house. It’s pointless, gross and really just stupid self sabotage someone will have to clean the smelly mess. And you probably won’t like living in it for long eithe, no matter how releasing was the pooping on the moment.

I get it we all need an outlet to bodily instincts, but can’t you control your self? I thought you were grown up!

Infidelity is like pooping on the floor of your house, but you also invite a stranger and you both indulge in this, taking turns and pooping on each other until you are soaked. And call it thrilling, exciting etc.

Poop being poop, you can still both see and smell the mess afterwards. You both love it, but you are aware it’s disgusting to others, so you are ashamed to be caught and found out. You don’t want to clean up, you want to do it again! But how to keep your poop in your life without being exposed?

Simple: cupcakes. Your betrayed partner will swallow them all and you can keep doing under the guise of normalcy. Genius, they will never find out!

When you inevitably find out, you are shocked, and the WS may wish you to do the same to them so you’ll be equal, and their shame will calm.

But you need to have some kind of issues to find that appealing. We keep our business where we belong, we don’t soil our relationship with poop, because we respect our selves, our partner, our relationship.

We find two adults rolling in their poop gross.

Why don’t we just give it a try with someone you ask me? Dude! Wtf is wrong with you?!

When you hear cake eater, let’s precise that these cupcakes with the affair partners are the cake they eat. You know the ingredients now. Gross, let them have it and choke on it. Don’t bite!

The counter argument I see often is this:

"Everyone could do it given the chance."

Could we loyal partners poop on the floor too?

Of course we could! If we make a long series of stupid and meaningless decisions we could cave to our urges as well, we are humans!

We just need to:

- set ourself to accumulate without taking care of the business

- avoid any norm of hygiene and dignity and decency we taught ourselves.

- make a lot of choices for us to be exactly in that spot when the urge already built up and it’s hard to contain

- ignore our body and mind alarm system telling us that’s going to happen and still stay in the room instead of running away and to the safety of your bathroom

… the we just choose to self sabotage ourselves enough that we can poop on our floor…

So we could too….

But probably we will still choose to keep it in our pants.

Even now, 6 weeks away from our divorce being official, more than a year of living separately, and probably 2 years since I've had any kind of intimate physical contact with anyone, the thought of someone touching me that way creeps me out. When I try to imagine/fantasize about it, I get turned off. Don't get me wrong - I no longer want STBWX's touch either! That is a HUGE turnoff at this point, but I can't picture myself with anyone.

There was one of those social experiments, you know those things were you claim the amazing discovery that hot water is indeed wet and warm? Those.

2 Attractive interviewers, one male and one female, interviewing the opposite gender with these questions:

- would you date me?

- would you come to my room?

- would you have sex with me?

To "would you date me" about half of men and half of women answered Yes. So 50/50

When invited into the room, it was about 25% of girls who said "yes" and about 75% of guys said "Yes".

To let’s go have sex, around 95% of the men said yes. A big fat 0% of the girls said yes.

Now while the % given should be taken with a giant pinch of salt because those "experiments" are entertainment, even more serious tests give a similar picture.

Point is that while for me and many other guys the abstract idea of casual random sex is more than welcome, for ladies this is less common response. I can think of just a very few reasons strong enough of why I would ever pass the chance (one being, I am taken). In fact I can remember of about 2-3 situations where I passed if the girl was hot. It is kind of a "Nah I don’t need to know your name either" thing. Very emotional right?

Up to other guys to say how they stand on this.

On the contrary it’s extremely rare a girl is up for the same thing. I know one among all girls I ever met, and she is a nymphomaniac, so hardly normal, she has definitely dysfunctional issues about sex, never seen her say no to anything, I think she is way more unhinged than any guy I know.

The 0% sounds realistic. Even when you meet a girl and you sleep with her the same night, I never seen it happen without establishing some sort of connection between you and her first. She might be the most attracted to you, doesn’t matter. If you don’t connect emotionally at some level is not going to happen.

I would say is healthy, is not weird, my "friend" is weird and she is diagnosed so.

You are more than healthy.

This isn't to say that I don't find people attractive. I do! But I have no interest in actually being with them. Am I super weird?

As the above overly unnecessary funny stories, you are not weird at all.

You simply need the right energy to form an emotional connection before feeling sexual attraction.

You can’t jump that part without completely breaking your healthy emotional programming.

Could you train yourself to do it? With a lot of work maybe, I am not sure you would ever be happy with that though. Seems your nature is secure attachment and intimacy follows that naturally.

The men you know you see as friends? Yes, normal too, you were a loyal and healthy wife . You don’t need to take your business outside the proper boundaries, because you are not the kind of person who would ever find exciting in pooping on floors.

You were likely broadcasting this energy and those men received that signal and as they respected you. And a man who does respect you won’t focus on you that kind of energy regardless how attractive they may find you.

To do so, would equal on trying to poop on your floors. If someone shifts that kind of energy on you when you’re married or otherwise taken, you know exactly who you are dealing with:

A cheater / affair partner.

Someone who doesn’t respect you, just wants to poop on you and your floors.

That’s turning you off is not surprising.

My 2 cents diagnostic says you are perfectly well and sane.

When your energy will seek emotional connection then someone will be receptive to it and things will change.

And you know now how to spot the difference between a man and a floor pooper 🚽

Poop scriptum:

I didn’t addressed it buy you said:

I told him the thought of anyone other than him touching me made me want to throw up.

For all the above reasons that’s not just you being healthy, that’s not just a woman being healthy, that’s the very essence of a healthy partner.

I would fit in that 95% group if I were single. I would fit in the 0% group if I am taken.

The idea a person other than my partner sharing intimacy does cause a gagging sensation.

It’s then when I know I have a bond, and not just a bind.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:38 AM, Monday, June 22nd]

There is this "classic" discussion about what would you do if you had the opportunity to grab a million bucks. Like… if you were walking past an armored car and the guards were carrying sacks of cash into a bank, leaving the doors open and the rest of the bags unattended and unguarded. Even if you know there are no cameras and you could make it past the next corner without any witnesses… would you grab a bag? Most of us have at some point fantasized about what we would do in that sort of a situation.
Or if the new cashier gives you the wrong change, like counting tens as single dollars. You can walk out of the store with no consequences whatsoever.
Or you find a wallet with cash in it. Take the cash and toss the wallet? Who will know? Maybe even return the wallet and cards, but claim there was no money…

I would like to think that in all the above situations I would choose to be honest. Not because I fear being caught, but simply because it’s the right thing to do.
For me cheating is the same. If I was offered the opportunity I hope I would refuse and not because I feared the wrath of my wife if discovered, but rather the emotional turmoil it would cause ME to let my morals slip so low.

To echo a classic point—and I’ll never miss an opportunity to quote True Detective—there’s a scene where a character argues that without religion, the world would devolve into an immoral fireball of chaos. Rust Cohle’s response is perfect:
"If the only thing keeping a person decent is the expectation of divine reward, then, brother, that person is a piece of shit. And I'd like to get as many of them out in the open as possible."
To bring that home: if the only thing stopping my partner from doing something abhorrent is the fear of getting caught or facing consequences, I would seriously question whether I want to be with them.

There is this "classic" discussion about what would you do if you had the opportunity to grab a million bucks.

Not the best example though, because it paints adultery like something desirable that one doesn’t indulge in just because of opportunity.

It does work for the testing your integrity metaphor but…. Rather than sacks of money I see it more as sacks of fermented manure.

Maybe you could grab enough manure to even reach 1kk in value, but to me it would still remain a big pile of shit.

Gonna pass on the chance either way

(By the way we constantly get those opportunities. Since we turn then down it must mean something)

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:33 PM, Monday, June 22nd]