SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Context: I'm M (30), my partner F (31), we've been together for almost 12 years and married for almost 3. About a year ago, things became quite monotonous, specifically in our intimacy. I love her, I provide, she's attentive to my needs, and many other things, but there's this detail: 2 months ago I met another woman, we started talking, and things escalated to infidelity (previously I had many opportunities with different people, but I never crossed the line into physical intimacy). We had two sexual encounters, we both enjoyed it, I felt desired as a man, I was able to be honest about everything sexual I wanted to try and AP reacted the same way, the adrenaline was something hadn't felt in years and we agreed to continue seeing each other, but the opportunity never arose. Throughout all of this I felt guilty, but the impulse won. AP contacted me from the beginning, and we presented everything as something casual, although there are two details in each encounter that left me thinking a lot. The first time, she told me she wanted me to do it without protection, which I completely refused, something that was spontaneous on her part. The second time, after we were intimate, she asked me a question: "Don't you think the guilt will be too great afterward?" which instantly made me feel bad.

Three weeks ago, it came to light, by my mistake cause i have plans of continue this affair and I had a discussion with my partner. We agreed to continue the relationship and improve things, which is happening, even sexually. I've felt things I haven't experienced in years with my partner. But even with everything improving and real changes in our intimacy, I can't stop thinking about having another sexual experience with this same person since i felt she left the door open because of our last conversation. I'm seeing a psychologist, trying to rationalize and be logical in my thoughts, and I'm trying to focus on my own things, my work, new activities, but the thought of writing to her again and having something physical again won't go away. It keeps coming back. I have it many times during the day with stronger impulses to contact her again.

What should I do? Should I give in to the impulse with the idea of "one last time"? I'm aware of all the personal and relationship consequences that doing it again would entail, and yet I can't get rid of the thought and the desire to do it.

Please help.

You should end the relationship with your wife because you seem far the suited to monogamny and don't appear capable at this time.

Your wife deserves better.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 7:20 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

Hey again.

You might not want to get answers here in general just yet, as you are in the full high of the dopamine rush and affair.

You made this same post in the wayward side, and the answers you get there will be more "restrained " for respect of the suffering of the reformed wayward partners that are asking for help there.

Note the key

REFORMED wayward partners

You are not reformed you are at this moment a full blown unremorseful cheater who is asking for advice how to better betray his wife for a dopamine fix.

You are not suffering now, you are inflicting on your wife one of the worst abuse a human being can experience, and care zero for her pain.

You don’t realize now, you don’t care, not yet at least.

All that matters is the other woman, condom yes/no and the next validation dopamine hit before the next "one last time ".

The gentlest thing I can possibly say to you right now is read the REFORMED wayward partners pain and life destruction that infidelity caused them.

You may not give two fucks about your wife right this second, but surely you care about your self, and only about yourself. Truth is not even the other woman matters (as you don’t matter to her, she is just your mirror), all that matters is how fucking her (over your wife) makes you feel good about yourself.

I can only wish you that your conscience is biting strong enough to pull you off this self destructive path.

But your relationship with your wife is over, dead, not coming back.

Up to you how more you want to burn bridges or if you want to face your ghosts and understand why you are doing this to her and believe or not, yourself.

Because you also betrayed that version of you, and that’s not coming back ever either.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:42 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

I'm aware of all the personal and relationship consequences that doing it again would entail,

No, you're not. You're completely clueless.

I want you to think about this. You came to group of people who are trying to survive infidelity, who are in a world of pain and heartbreak, and asked them if you "should" continue to cheat on your wife.

Do you have any idea how incredibly fucked-up that is?

Do you have any idea how incredibly fucked-up that is?

Like any cheater in the dopamine high of the affair he doesn’t have contact with reality at this moment.

Nor empathy for anyone or anything.

It’s fantasy time and can’t be stopped by rational thought or emotional intelligence because the conscience that he slammed in the cellar will immediately arise and he will have to face the horror of the evil shit he is pulling right now.

What he is thinking about in this moment is how to screw the AP without condom without risking an STD so he can fuck his wife later for all the time she is in hysterical bonding and not interrupting the carousel of pussy that gives him enough validation to almost feel like a man for once. And that might stop if the wife develops a bubonic rush gifted him by a skank.

Not that he cares about wife’s health in this moment, but if she gets some nasty STD she might be interrupting the hysterical bonding so impact his fun time and cutting it shorter.

He is feeling like James Bond sipping champagne and being the hero of an amazing movie story.

So whatever advice or response he gets from here, chances are in his mind this is going on "close minded morons they cannot understand that I am not a bad guy, that I am good, wife loving and caring husband, but I deserve this, you cannot get it, my situation is different and unique, I am not a dirty cheater, I am just a better man! I am the hero of my story"

You know about the circus clown drinking stale piss from a plastic cup analogy?

There, we are watching different movies.

He is proud of what he does, and he does not look for suggestions of how to recover the balls he lost to become the lowliest of the low.

He is looking for one thing and one thing only:

Validation.

After all everything that is and was going on was all about this in the first place.

@Op

How about you encourage your wife to get herself a stallion for some wild rides while you are visiting your affair partner for another couple of " one last time"?

Surely this will help you to feel a bit less guilty and you know you can talk about your sexual exploits with your APs and maybe your wife can learn something new with or without condom, and teach you so you can experiment with the other woman.

Sounds like a king’s plan right? You will both be so much happier and fulfilled, think about it: you will feel like a true man, your wife finally like a true woman! Having OW + your wife filled and fulfilled? Profit

The one deserved of this high lineage manliness

Note - if you feel the sting or feel my comments are being harsh, consider I equate what you are doing right now to the same abuses like rape and other sexual abuses, just knowing you will never be punished enough for it. So I am really restraining myself and trying to offer you some advice, but if even I can give you a sliver of chance as a person hoping you will come back to your senses, know I have nothing but contempt for your behaviors.

And believe it or not at the same time I am being your "best friend " by kicking your ass and telling you to grow a pair and stop fucking around.

I know you don’t understand it, but maybe in some time you’ll get it.

Good luck.

And please, divorce your wife and leave her alone ffs.

(To everyone else, WS, bs, men and women. The analogies are obviously my dark humor, I can be a real bastard but would never think that stuff seriously)

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:08 PM, Thursday, April 23rd]

You sound like a real gentleman and great catch. Buy your wife a supply of tissues, sunglasses and ice cream. She will need it.

What should I do? Should I give in to the impulse with the idea of "one last time"?

What would you say to a heroin addict if they asked this same question? Because that's what's going on with you. You're not "in love" the way you think you are. You're addicted to the dopamine high you get from the excitement of betraying your poor wife.

You need to either man up and admit to your wife you're not cut out for monogamy, you're incapable of of being loyal to her, and get a divorce so you can sleep around with, and get your selfish affair high fix all you want, or you cut it off with your AP permanently, block her on everything, and never, EVER see or talk to her ever again. Period. Full stop.

Then begin the long and arduous task of doing anything and everything you possibly can to try and make it up to your wife, and good luck with that. I can tell just by the fact that you have to ask this question that you're far from a safe partner right now, and you're likely to just continue traumatizing her.

Infidelity is one of the most traumatizing, painful experiences a person can endure. You need to read up on it. Many describe it as worse than the death of a loved one, topped only by the loss of a child. PTSD symptoms are common and the typical recovery time from betrayal trauma is 2 to 5 years. Not weeks, not months. Years.

Read up on infidelity betrayal trauma and the "affair fog." Especially the latter. Because you my friend, are stuck in it so thick you can't see your own hand in front of your face. Of course it's going to be hard to see through the fog while your head is still up your... you know what I'm saying. If you love your wife you'll stop this abuse immediately. One way or the other. What you're contemplating is flat out cruelty.

My wife had a very short lived affair last year and it almost destroyed us. We're still reeling from the aftermath, and neither one of us are even close to being "over it." I read your post to her and she wants to come through the internet and slap you silly for even asking about this.