SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out that my husband was having an affair in Nov 2024. Since, I have been trying to rebuild my marriage. I have really really tried.

I have a teenage son and he is my priority.

I think I love my husband. But I hate him too. I cant look at him the same way. I feel disconnected from him, and as much as I try to reconnect, the feelings only last a few weeks.

I am here, becasue I started to trigger divorce proceedings. And now, I have cold feet. The reality has hit me and feelings for my husband seem to be stronger. It’s like i suddenly see him. Is this normal? I don't know why but I am more conflicted now?

I was thinking about seeing a therapist but the savings are low and this isnt something i can afford.

The plan was to tell our boy soon about all this. I thought I'd feel relieved. So many people here speak of that. But I don't...

[This message edited by Anotherdayfromhere at 1:55 PM, Monday, April 20th]

Hi do you say you see him because you are seeing that he is completely changing as a person, owning his adultery and the destruction of your relationship and he is crawling over broken glass by the regret of what he done for you, being present with no excuses minimization, lies, always open to discuss your feelings and pain no matter what and with no regard how it can pain him to face the evil he chose to inflict you?

If that’s a yes to all, then you might been seeing him as a person who is reforming and becoming a safe partner finally, and that can help you to be able to feel emotions again for him (still does not mean you will be able to heal yourself and reconcile, but without that reconciliation is simply impossible).

If some of the answer is a no, or a yes "but", then you are NOT seeing him because he has not changed and he is still the cheating husband.

Not reformed, not guilty, just careful and flying low …

In this second case what you feel might be limerence, a projection of your fantasy and needs, not the reality of reciprocal love.

And that’s dangerous considering he is a cheater.

This doesn’t invalidate what you feel, but it should warn you about red flags.

You don’t have to rush the divorce if it’s not your intention to divorce.
However if you are changing your mind because he is a changed man or you’re changing your mind because of limerence, that’s a completely different story and it might end hurting you badly.

If you want to share more I am sure you can get more understanding from people who have been there

Big changes are unsettling, and your brain is seeking the comfort of the known (your WS) over the unknown (life without him). That said, you can take your time with the divorce, and you can change your mind partway through if he wants that too.

I think BackfromtheStorm raises some good questions. If you look beyond your feelings for him at the facts, do you see a person who has done the work to become a safer and more loving, less selfish partner?

Thank you for replying. I am so confused right now. My body and heart are in a state of shock and unease and the enormity of divorce seems to all of a sudden triggered not being able to sleep and feeling confused.
However, when I think hard and long about the right thing - my head tells me that the best way to get rid of this feeling of betrayal is to start over. On my own.

My husband has completely changed. He goes to therapy, has changed his circle of friends, checks in all the time, and has taken responsibility for what he has done. He and I have tried. It's me - I feel blocked. The trust has gone. I can't forget the person he was - even now he has changed.

Is cold feet normal in this early stage? I have just applied. Did anyone else get this and push through it and end up happier the other side? I know this is a safe space, and no judgement please... but I have even thought about going through with it, knowing that once I have had space, I could come back to him if I change my mind. Now I write these thoughts down they don't seem rational. The conflict of emotions is driving me nuts.