I (60F) am currently destroyed after discovering my husband’s secret life. I found a burner phone he forgot in the car and discovered he’s been looking at excessive porn and contacting escort services.
When he feels the need to hide things from you, means simply he is perfectly conscious of what he is doing.
Perfectly aware he is lying to you.
Completely willing to treat you like an idiot.
It shows a profound lack of respect, usually a projection of WS's low self-esteem
When I confronted him, he admitted to a text conversation but claimed he got "sucked into a gift card scam" and didn't actually go through with anything because he "knew how he’d feel afterward." I’m not buying it. He’s a cheap bastard, and it looks more like he was just hunting for a "budget" escort under $100 and got caught up in a scammer’s trap instead.
Of course because you are not stupid, and the WS lies are usually childish.
They think you'll buy it because how it works is: they first lie to themselves, in order to cheat, it's a requirement.
Is dissonance, showing you their worst side so that it can somehow justify the vile choices they do, is like having both "your endorsement" (I am truly bad so I can indulge in the betrayal) and "Lowering your value" (she buys my lies and I am doing this because my needs are unfulfilled, if she'd be better I wouldn't. but I deserve 'happiness').
What’s killing me is the gaslighting and the double standard.
It's a necessity for the WS to be able to look at themselves in the mirror no matter the choices they are consciously making by choosing betrayal. Not lying would imply to take a look at yourself and question why you feel this impulse. It reveals deep issues that are scary to face, so the lies rugsweep them for later, fully convincing themselves that they will get away with it and this phase will pass once they feel better. Spoiler, it never works out, self sabotage always presents you the bill.
When I try to talk to him about how I feel—how he could hurt me like this after complaining about a "disconnect" in our sex life—he shuts down. He says he "doesn't feel well," he’s "too stressed,". tells me it’s "not a good time" and calls me crazy and jealous for tracking his phone when I see him sitting at a Dunkin' Donuts for 40 minutes for no reason.
Because in this very moment he is either already involved into his cheating on you, or preparing to cheat on you. In this moment he could not care less about you feeling bad, because he is perfectly aware of how his decisions will impact you: you will be destroyed, traumatized, abused. He knows this and still chooses to pursue the betrayal.
Everything that he tells right now is bullshit: justifications he gives himself for why he is entitled to do this and he already know deep inside they are garbage reasons, but he worked so hard to lie to himself why "it's ok to do that, I 'deserve' it" that he cannot accept any confrontation.
Because excuses are weak and self told lies. You confronting them will make the already shaky house of cards collapse. He cannot allow it or he will be forced to see himself as the villain.
So he attacks you, gaslight you, accuse you, blame shifts.
This way he can see himself as a "lovely partner" who is just forced to follow this path because he is the victim - not you, you are 'the reason why he cheats' in his narrative, the cheater is always "the hero of their story, the victim" only after time they will realize "they were the bad guy all along" for those who come to their senses, others will never realize because they run away from it, and slowly spiral into a self destructive pattern that will always ruin their lives in the end.
All aspects of their lives, not only your relationship (which is already burned to ash) , betrayal is a symptom of something deeper, a fatal character flaw that always ends up in self sabotage and self destruction.
Every single time, ends in misery.
Reformed wayward partners can tell you just how destructive this behavior is, in all facets of life not just the Affair.
They realized it, done the work and fixed themselves, not for their ex / or Reconciled betrayed partners, but to save themselves from self destruction.
I could really use some input and advice.
You are experiencing betrayal trauma. It is a really bad thing, one of the worst abuse a human being can ever experience, is different and hits deeper than physical violence and abuse, life threatening traumas, war trauma. Because those comes from an external threat, this come from your "inside world" the most intimate, safe place a person could have, your only true safe place, and now it is gone "forever" (is the feeling, you will eventually be able to restore it, at least in part, with therapy and healing).
IT is a really nasty thing, no matter if is not talked about, because is a "Social Taboo" topic , but a therapist can tell you just the extent of damage it causes, and it will forever change your life.
Advice?
Protect yourself. There are no social safeguards in place to protect your from this kind of abuse, cheaters are frowned upon, but not punished like other kind of abusers. Only you can protect yourself from your abuser, and is what you should do right now.
Read the 180 in the healing library.
Understand it is not your fault, there is nothing you could have done to prevent it, because you were never been offered a choice. This is all on your partner.
He is not the person who you thought he was, he is showing you the worst side of himself right now, and it's self absorbed so while you naturally would expect him to be your pillar of support in your life, he is not, he shattered the pillars of your identity and will burn you to the ground until both you and him are completely consumed by the betrayal.
- He cannot save you because he is the one burning everything to ashes.
- You cannot save him because he is the only one who can save himself, and he is not in condition to do that right now (maybe later, if you detach, but only he can heal himself, you cannot)
You must detach now, do the hard 180, protect yourself, protect your emotions, you are entering a rollercoaster from hell and you need to protect yourself to come out in one piece (right now you are shattered).
Look for IC specialized on betrayal trauma. No marriage counseling, consider the marriage is over right now (because it is, do not even think about reconciliation until your Wayward Spouse is lost in his spiral, that is something that can only happen if both spouses heal first, you may want it now, I understand, but for your sake, be detached from outcomes, right now you need to protect yourself, do not think of later yet).
I will not tell you what is likely going to happen, because you would pursue it with a wrong mind goal right now, but this is the best thing you can do, everyone here, BS and reformed WS can vouch for it, I am giving you life saving advice right now.
This is literal "self- preservation" that might spare you the worst of the PTSD often coming with betrayal trauma.
Last, but not least:
You are not alone, nor should be.
People here were wearing your shoes (or still are) and your husband's shoes (mostly here is reformed Wayward partners, those actively cheating do not search for insight and healing but these people can give you valuable information of what is going on).
You do not really need "to hear" the most, although information will help you navigate this rough patch. What you need is to let out the pain that is ripping you apart, voice those terrible emotions you are feeling, find someone who will just hear you.
Here you found a place to share the pain and let it out, so it will not devour you from inside.
You will be heard.
