SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New member.

I honestly wasn't sure if would post.

I feel like I have no one cause who can you really talk to about this? Sure my feelings are valid but what I did automatically gives me a Scarlet A. No one wants to empathize with a WW and I get it. It truly just is hard when you are genuinely remorseful and want to heal.

I am not sure if I'm ready to share my story publicly so please be kind. My A happened decades ago. I just still have residual guilt and regret.

I know my whys and am now a safe partner. Just would love to hear from others. Thanks.

Definitely seen and heard. You can read my posts, but I recently disclosed my affair that ended 20 years ago. So grateful my wife is willing to work on reconciling, but I battle shame, regret, and guilt every day. I often reference the trauma I have from the affair, but had a hard time even admitting that as it feels wrong to reference trauma I feel when the trauma I caused is so painful to my wife.

Monday is therapy day and we have been working on self-compassion. Not sure if you have ever done IC, but has been helpful for me. Lots of experienced people on this site and you will find lots of helpful advice.

Wishing you the best.

Thank you for your response fvl. I appreciate it.

I have followed your story while lurking.

I do hear you about the A trauma. I only have fragmented memories now due to mine.

My IC has been ok. She is focusing on self compassion and forgiveness. She suggested finding support from others since I dont want to discuss it with anyone irl.

The combination of time, substance abuse, and dissociative amnesia have obliterated almost all details / memories of the affair, but the trauma is very fresh and real when I think about it. I am spending most of my time in IC on self compassion and it does not come natural. I was raised in a household where anything less than high achievement / perfection was looked very poorly upon and where high achievement / perfection was merely acknowledged as expected. That created a host of issues I am understanding better, but one is that I am very critical of myself and feel a failure where most people would not.

I did an exercise with the therapist today from a book on self-compassion by Dr Kristen Neff (former WW btw) focusing on one thing I am critical of myself right now and how to apply self compassion, humanity, and mindfulness to it. I get the concept intellectually, but the application feels so unnatural. Something I need to be very intentional about.

I typically gravitate to worrying that self compassion = justification. That said, I have some significant FOO trauma and childhood sexual experiences that really messed me up in ways I am just starting to unpack and I can definitely see that influence on decisions throughout my life.

I have enjoyed Kathy Nickerson on Instagram / YouTube as much of her content resonates with me. Might be worth a listen if you are bored.

fvl,

Thank you again for your helpful response. It sounds like we have a similar FOO story.

One thing I will say is that you sound like a good person who has learned and is growing from this trauma. I can feel ashamed by my poor decisions but it doesn’t define me and that helps to let go of shame.

Hi there hauntedeveryday,

Welcome to SI. This place has helped me so much and I hope it can help you too. You will find empathy here because every wayward person here has been through it. The details of our situations differ but at the heart of it we all chose to betray our partners (and our own integrity) and most of us chose to conceal that betrayal at least for a time. Some of us for many years. This protected forum is a great place to work through your feelings. Leaving the stop sign checked means that only fellow Waywards can reply, a further layer of protection. Betrayed spouses can also respond if you uncheck the stop sign.

Does your BS know about the affair?

Welcome again from this EvolvingSoul.

Thank you for your welcome ES

Yes, my BS knows about the A. I confessed as soon as I ended it. It was also a way to keep me accountable and ensure NC. They consider us r'd.

I think that approaching empty nest and retirement has triggered me.

I know from lurking that many BS are empathetic as well. I am not sure if I am ready to uncheck yet. I may need a bit more time.

I have read the advice thar hikingout, BSR and other ww leave on the forums and find them informative and helpful. It helps to know i am not alone.

I very much think empty nesting and retirement had a huge influence on my process. We had spent 25 years with kids as our almost sole focus and that enabled me to not think as much about my relationship with my wife. Once our son went to college I quickly realized that I was going to be spending the rest of my life with someone who I needed to be honest and authentic with if we had any chance of having a meaningful relationship for the rest of our lives. I knew I had to confess to my terrible choices and that it would destroy her and possibly our marriage, but I was in full mental health meltdown and that was not sustainable.

I am curious why you think you continue to have the strong negative feelings so many years after you have reconciled. I told my therapist yesterday that I think I can start to give myself more self compassion when my wife is further along in the healing journey. For sure I will always be sad and angry with myself when I think about the infidelity, but I hope I think about it a lot less many years from now and can pair the negative emotions with some self compassion.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 1:48 AM, Wednesday, February 18th]