SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, I actually officially found out the day before.
Prior to finding out about this, we had some issues involving an overly friendly co-worker and Snapchat, and his still having dating apps in use. When we first got together he was very nonchalant about me getting into whatever I felt like, his stuff or electronics, but I had never really felt the urge to.
After we had been living together for a few months, I noticed that he was being more distant and he started being more secretive. I assumed it was due to work related stress, he works a lot and his job has always been really important to him. And for a while I was distracted by my mom's declining health and getting her into assisted living.
I started noticing an increase in phone calls while we were in the car together, none of which he would answer. He kept brushing them off as spam. And then I noticed some of the calls were from a saved name with a woman's name I didn't recognize.
Finally one night, the Tuesday/early Wednesday before Thanksgiving, we were cuddling in bed together and he fell asleep with his phone open on a game.
I was going to power the screen off when he got a text from the same girl who had been calling him. And she was saying she loved him.
I'm not really proud of going through those texts, but they made it pretty clear that this woman and him had some kind of relationship. They talked about going out to dinner, meeting up with showers together, making plans for birthday celebrations. Even a fight where she thought he was involved with other women and him assuring her they were in a relationship.
I didn't read it all, I didn't save anything. And in the morning when he went to work, I tried to pretend like everything was OK because I was picking my mom up for Thanksgiving and I didn't want to ruin the holiday.
He ended asking me about it that night when we were alone in his car, and I asked him who she was. He claimed she was from the past, that they might've gotten a little flirty, and that she had started taking it too far. And then he blocked her.
I never really got more information from him, he would shut down or get upset with me if I wanted to talk about it. I'm afraid to push things because I want us to be able to move on from this.
Things seemed to be getting better over the last month or so, distance disappearing and what have you, so I felt optimistic about us coming out the other side still together.
But last night I noticed he still has tinder on his phone.
I don't know what to think, or do.
I'm so sorry this post is so long.

Do not be sorry for the post, read everything, you have been heard.

A committed guy does not flirt.
Girls do not send "i love you" and "shower" texts to a guy they are not intimate with.

He lies openly to you while you read the message exchanges. And he is not on Tinder for job interviews.

Even if we say "He just lies to the other girl about being in a relationship with her because he is really with you" does not make it any better (by the way, want to bet that someone like this would say the same to the other girl?).

I am sorry you are facing this stuff, trust your instincts, not the words.
He seems really the kind of serial cheater for what I read

If you read the stories here you will see these patterns of lying, inconsistent excuses, it is always the same pattern.

Preserve your emotions and your peace. Confront him, you need clarity, you seem involved, but you spotted already red flags.

I think your instincts are right, do not suppress them, do not trust, lies from cheaters are very weak but he will gaslight you as you were crazy. Then it will collapse.

We are here to support you

Red flags all over this situation.

You wanting "to move past this" is not the path you should be on. You (and the cheater) should be openly discussing this with him offering counseling or professional (for himself) help as one of the ways to help you heal.

Instead he’s playing the "dodge the bullet" game and is avoiding taking any accountability for the situation.

You are in a relationship with him and he’s in a relationship with you and many others.

So sorry for you.

The thing about quickly moving on from situations like this is that they don't just go away for a betrayed spouse. For most people it sticks in your mind and festers over time. It needs to be dealt with and the wayward spouse has to work to earn trust back. It starts with getting the whole truth. When, why, who, how, how many times, for how long, etc. Then comes the work of contrition, remorse, change, and reassurance from the hopefully reformed cheater who will answer questions and let you talk about it as much as you want to talk about it without getting angry or deflecting away from it.

Ideally that's how recovery begins. It's not always smooth or linear, but those cheaters who eventually do the work have the best chance at reconciling. If any of those steps are skipped, or as we say here, swept under the rug, then healing can't truly begin. If he's not willing to do those things, and doesn't share all of his communications, passcodes, etc., then he's not ready to be a safe partner again. You have to ask yourself if you're prepared to live with question marks all over your relationship while you play marriage police for the rest of your life constantly looking for signs of infidelity.

Read through the healing library. There are a lot of resources there that can give you some ideas of what to look for in a remorseful spouse and give you some ideas on how to deal with it. Make sure you're taking care of yourself and eat, get enough sleep, and stay hydrated. Sorry you've found yourself here. This is a club no one wants to join, but there are some good folks here who know what you're going through. Keep posting, ask questions, and use us to vent to if you need it. Posting here has helped me a lot in dealing with the infidelity in my own marriage and kept me sane. You're not alone, and you've been heard.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:13 PM, Saturday, January 17th]

What would happen were you to walk up to him and say can I see your phone? Would he hand it to you? Would he question why you wanted it? Do you know his passwords?

If he will not hand you his phone at a moment's notice then he has something to hide. The fact he has Tinder on his phone is a huge red flag. The fact another woman is texting him as she is that is another huge red flag

Moving past something AKA rug sweeping never works in the long run. The issue just festers and builds and festers and builds to the point it explodes and now it is much more difficult if even possible to work through.

You have questions that need to be answered if the relationship is to continue. If he has chat apps on his phone that is a red flag to me because they make it incredibly easy to hide and affair

BTW, something I learned after discovering what my wife was doing, is that text messages from iPhone to iPhone do not go through your cellular carrier, they go through Apple servers thus they do not show up on a cell phone log.

If it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck…it’s a duck. You have a cheater on your hands. How you deal with it is your decision but the question you need to ask yourself is…do you want to live like this for the next year? How about 5 years? How about 20? Unless he stops quacking you are going to go to bed every night with a huge knot in your stomach, and wake up with it every morning.

He is not exclusive with you if he is still on Tinder. He kept his options open and seems had PA with this girl. If you are not married I would advise you to pack up and leave if you haven’t been together for long. He is not worth the heartache and your precious time to reconcile with. Give him the freedom he wants and find someone who truly thinks you are the one.

Thank you everyone for your insight and kindness.
I suppose I might've misworded my hope for moving on. By that, I don't mean it to seem like I think it'll be a quick let's forget about it situation. I'm really looking for some hope that we can start working towards a healthy relationship.
He has shown me aspects of his phone, and it seems like the app has been deleted, but I know it's an easy thing to just re-download whenever the urge strikes.
There are notifications popping up from Snapchat and texts from unsaved numbers. It's clear to me that he has a persistent problem that needs to be addressed before I can begin to find trust again.
We talked recently, and he is amenable to going to individual counseling. I know that I need to seek help as well.
I also found some information on the woman who was calling/texting him that could potentially allow me to reach out to her in social media, and I keep worrying about her. I asked him to block her in our initial conversation and he had, but in hindsight I feel that might've been unfair to her. I don't believe she had any idea I existed. I don't know if reaching out would be the right thing in this instance.

If it turns out this AP had no idea you were around and believed he was a single guy, she could provide some valuable info. It’s the ones that knew about you and didn’t care that are useless and full of lies.