SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello
It’s been a while since I’ve posted and I come back here when things are really difficult. This is because you are always so lovely and there is always someone around with experience to respond. This keeps me going so firstly thank you in advance.

You will read from my other posts that I’ve had a hard time and since I decided to separate from WH in July I really realise just how bad my situation was and the toll it has taken on me.

Positives : I am having regular counselling, my family and friends support me. My two boys despite all this somehow seem good on the whole. My son with AuDHD has moved schools and it was the best decision I ever made as he is like a different person.

But Negatives: WH still not accepting things are over and his behaviours have been awful which is unbearable when we need to share any space. He seems to have three behaviours
1) nasty: he makes statements or sends texts saying it’s okay for me I am thriving and there is no impact on me and he is sick of subsidising my lifestyle ( I earn the same as him) he is threatening to move back in the home saying he has as much right to be there as me.
2) depressed/manipulative: making statements that he can’t go on he can’t cope and if it wasn’t for thhis kids he would have killed himself by now. He tells me I he is on a final review at work and likely to be dismissed due to sickness absence
3) harassment : bet you’ve found someone else, lying next me when I’m trying to get my youngest to bed and kissing and stroking hair ( knowing I wouldn’t challenge him when son going off to sleep)

He also has become very irritable with boys and doesn’t care about what he says in front of them. He keeps telling me he wants 50/50 of childcare and house and will likely to get it but I know if he had 50/50 the kids would deteriorate. I am continuing back some of days and he is in bed with all lights off and kids on screens in there rooms. He is also drinking more again when he is at home and he told
Me today he left boys at home whilst he went to the shops l, which I wouldn’t do.

He is staying in a small bedsit which isn’t ideal as it means I have to drive to my mums for 1 hour whilst he takes care of kids at ours. This is all financially we could afford in the short term ( and he refused to stay with his family)

I have booked a solicitor appointment for Monday so I am trying to prepare some questions

Right now I have no idea how I am getting through this. I feel emotionally unsafe when he is around and I am worried about the future for the kids and me particularly the house situation.

I’m really just after some support and to be told it will be okay and there is a brighter future ahead. I’m struggling to see it right now.

I also worry I will be on my own in the future and generally how I restore my faith in humans.

Please start documenting when he leaves the kids alone. Dates, times, details. This can help during the D process. He doesn't really want 50/50, he wants to punish you.

When you're together, go grey rock. Wind, rain, snow... Very basic responses. I'm sorry you think that way. That's not how I remember it, etc. Generic responses. Don't take the bait.

Maybe suggest a parenting app? Limit discussion to the children and finances.

Dr. Ramani has videos on YouTube that address narcissistic personality disorder abuse as well as sociopath/psychopath abuse. I'm not saying your STBXWH has these disorders, but her videos really helped me. (My XWH has narcissistic personality disorder.)

I'm in my 60's and I'd rather be alone than miserable with somebody. My grandma got remarried in her 70's, so anything is possible.

It may be more important to be in a healthy living environment than living with his toxicity.

ETA: I've been on my own for several years and I'm content and happy.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:30 AM, Wednesday, January 15th]

Thank you Leafields for your message : )
I know I need to remove as much communication as possible and assertive. His sisters are now recognising his behaviour as cohersive and have provided me with support. They identify those patterns of behaviour with their and WH dad. I will check out those videos you mention.

I am documenting and screenshotting the messages when he says he can’t come or asks me to come back early as he can’t cope with the kids.

I feel
Constantly guilty but I have shown him far more compassion than he has ever shown me. I know I need to have my boundaries and let go of the responsibility I felt for him. It’s not my job anymore.

Thanks again for sharing your story. It helps and I already enjoy feeling peaceful again when he isn’t around. I am finding myself much more able to
Socialise with other people again. For a long time he made me feel like I might be autistic as if I have a problem connecting with people but I realise now I was just carrying too much on my shoulders alone and he wore me down to the point of exhaustion.

You have done nothing wrong and no reason to feel guilty, Sunshinedays. I know that reason doesn't stop the bad feelings, but I just wanted to remind you of that.

No one can guarantee the future, but if you read some of the threads under Divorce/Separation, you might find some reassurance. The "fear vs. reality" thread always brings me a lot of comfort. Change is scary and hard, and your WH is proving why it's good that you're leaving him with his current behavior. I'm so sorry your kids are also suffering because of him.

You sound like a good person, and you seem clear-eyed about the situation. I think that not only speaks well of you, but I would lay good odds that you're going to come through this and find happiness on the other side.

2) depressed/manipulative: making statements that he can’t go on he can’t cope and if it wasn’t for thhis kids he would have killed himself by now.

I've always heard that if someone is talking about suicide, you should take them seriously and call emergency services. Reporting it can either get him the help he needs or shut him up if he's being manipulative. It would also get it on the record.