SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My mind is still spinning and I think I am still in some sort of state of shock.

Over a week ago I found out that my husband of 7 years (and whom I have known and dated for almost 20 years) had left our house and went to meet an escort.

We have been married 7 years and have 2 young children. While doing the after school activities and pickups my husband calls to tell me that he is leaving the house to go to the mall to look at something (that I know he had been interested in) but his voice sounded so strange. I just brushed it off and was annoyed I had to do dinner, bed and bath with the kids solo (not like that matters, I normally do as it is).

While the kids were in the bath, I got the hunch to look at our joint credit card to see if he was shopping for me perhaps. No charges. I look at our bank account and see an ATM withdrawal for a significant amount. As i was folding and returning laundry to our room I then see his wedding ring on the dresser. I get a hunch to look at his iPad and am horrified to see that he has upwards of a dozen messages to numbers i don’t recognize - all within the last 24 hours. One particular message indicated that he was scheduling an appointment, there are back and forth about times and then finally a text of him saying he arrived and he was provided a room number.

I took photos of all the messages and secured them and immediately called him, he picked up and said he was on his way home but i cut the call short. I exploded on him on the driveway and he was defensive and "had no idea" what i was talking about. It wasn’t until I said i saw the messages that he told me he was just messing around with messages. Nothing happened.

Then he said he has a gambling problem. Then he finally said that nothing physical happed. He showed up, went to the room and realized it was a mistake and left. However, as he was walking down the hall a large black male demanded the money that was owed and he got scared and gave it to him. I have asked him multiple times if he went through with it and he is adamant he did not. I don’t know what to believe.

He has been extremely remorseful, embarrassed and is terrified of losing his family. He will do anything to fix this. I keep asking why and he said he doesn’t know, he needs help. I keep pressing for why and he finally says it is because he feels disconnected and there is nothing there in the marriage but he wants to fix things.

Another thing, if he said he didn’t go through with it - would he have come clean with me and said it almost happened or would we have continued on this same path until it happened again.

For context, i recognize that this year has been a tough season and i am basically a married single working FT mother who is exhausted at the end of the day. There is nothing left in my tank.

My heart is devastated that I’m here and I didn’t choose this. I don’t want a broken home but want to fix this but my head keeps questioning everything.

FLWave,

I'm so so sorry you are here. Undoubtedly you are still in shock, that stage took me a couple months to even begin to thaw out enough to think straight.

My WH acted out with escorts for the last 14 years of our 26 year marriage. I would definitely NOT believe your H did not go through with it physically. Even if your phone call interrupted him or something, then it's still likely he's done it before. My H hid his long-term porn addiction (since before we were married) and it escalated over the years into solicitation.

Saying he has a gambling addiction sounds like a smoke screen to me, to explain any missing finances, or he may have more than one addiction.

Protect yourself. Do not trust him. Assume something has been going on for years. Just get through the day to day right now, and try to keep your shit together.

There are lots of resources on this site that are amazing at helping you move forward. Eventually you will get past the shock and start to see more, but the disbelief that this could happen, that is staying with me.

Keep posting, be kind to yourself. And hang in there, more experienced SI members will be along with good advice.

If you have a joint bank account take out your share and get one without him on it.
See a lawyer. This does not necessarily mean divorce. It means needing to know how to protect yourself.
Talk to your dr about short term meds for sleep and anxiety. With young children you have to stay healthy and this kind of stress does a number on you.
I think you are going to have to be realistic. Your husband cheated. He might have backed out at the last minute but that does not mean he won’t try again.
My husband was out of town when he cheated. I would never have known but I was told. It could have been one, many, often or once. He made a decision to cheat and he did. This your reality and mine.
Look after yourself.

I am so sorry you are here. Take care of yourself, lean on friends. I really wish I had the strength to make him leave right from the beginning. But it is very hard emotionally and logistically. That first six months for me were hell. Really the first two years were awful. Give yourself time but you cannot believe anything he says right now. I found out 18 months after my first d day about the extent of how many one night stands my WH had and it was only because I demanded a polygraph. In hindsight I wish I would have made him move out and taken a poly in the first six months. I do think it would have given me a baseline and ground zero to move up from. Instead I was lied to for so long.
It will haunt you until you know everything and they will say anything to hide their secrets. Mine never solicited sex but it was always on work trips with other married women willing to cheat with a married man. Not sure which is worse honestly.
My WH has been committed and a good partner for two years. I take it day by day. I honestly don’t feel like our relationship will ever completely recover but I am doing better and finding joy in my life again. Big hugs to you.

Welcome to SI and I'm so very sorry that you've had to find us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the page that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that aren't pinned that are very helpful. The Healing Library has a ton of great stuff, too.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. If you have problems with anxiety, depression or sleeping, ask your doctor for some meds to get you through this first rough part. You may wish to get tested for STDs/STIs, too. Sorry, I don't believe your WH (wayward husband).

realized it was a mistake

It wasn't a mistake. It was a series of conscious choices to lie to you and then cheat. Unfortunately, cheaters lie and then lie some more. You may want to go back over your checking account to see if there are other withdrawals that are unfamiliar to you.

He needs IC to figure out his whys and to work on becoming a safe partner. He should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint to get him started on helping you heal.

Maybe if he got up and helped you around the house and with the children, you would have time and energy to expend on your relationship. If he's on the tablet/phone a lot and messaging other women, why doesn't he put that time & energy into working on your relationship to feel connected.