What a question! A lot to unpack I think, at least for me. I have always appreciated symmetry, and as I grew and began to learn psychology it was a natural progression to identify worldly symmetry with inner symmetry. Or as Jung described it: the duality of mankind. It feels right, it fits with my personal philosophy on life. There is no light without shadow, you cannot know happiness without sorrow, pleasure without pain. So much work in the zeitgeist of today’s wellness seems to focus mostly on the light, all while ignoring the shadow. Not all of course, but we’re living in an age of a kind of malignant positivity (as it pertains to self-help etc, the world is far from positive), which I think can be dangerous if it ignores the darkness within. The darkness not being "bad," just another half of our whole selves.
Inadvertently I began my own shadow work years ago when I first joined the Army. Not even knowing fully why I was doing it. One of the many reasons I enlisted was to prove to myself that I wasn’t what I was made to feel I was. The kid who was always bullied. Later, the guy who was cheated on. Then the guy who humiliated himself trying to keep her around. All of these traumas became central to me. My thoughts would turn to fantasies of being cheated on, humiliated, abused. I never wanted that, but it’s where they turned.
I’ve read in many places this is often a trauma response, a way to take control. That being said, I believe that unchecked and unexplored it was allowed to evolve into an identity for me. An egoic fortress of superiority I suspect (after reading Tolle). Perhaps subconsciously I took some pleasure knowing that I was superior to my ex and my bullies by knowing I have suffered and they have not, I was betrayed and they were not. An idealistic and flagrantly miscalculated position to take, as I now understand. My bullies were bullies likely because they suffered. My ex less so, just a spoiled girl who was never forced to accept accountability for her actions. Her parents never let her fail, or face consequences. As a young and beautiful girl she had tons of male attention, and she just felt entitled to do with it what she saw fit. Either way, it was flawed thinking.
So now, many years later, after countless efforts to subconsciously meet my shadow, I finally understand it exists. Now, I’m looking back at it thinking "ok, well now how do I process all this and become whole?" I think back at the way I felt, and I understand I’m hurt. I feel the pain from it all, and it becomes less. The feelings, however, remain. I still get worked up thinking about it, and if left unchecked, the ego’s victim identity takes over until I become present again. One day I’ll shed the need for an identity at all. Then I’ll just be…shadow and all. Whole.
The first step in solving a problem is identifying it exists. So I’m already on the right track and I’m proud of that. What’s next though? Just keep feeling and acknowledging my humiliation until it doesn’t sting anymore? Or try and force it away? Just try and stay totally present. I’m not sure. For now I’ll continue my shadow work, try and make myself whole and take the ego’s desperate need for control and superiority out of the mix as best as I can.
Does this make sense to anyone? I’m working nights and I always get a little morose and philosophical when my circadian rhythm is turned upside down. It does however, articulate how I’m feeling (at least to me).
