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Alright so this may be a weird one, or maybe the wording of it may be weird, I am not sure.

Most of you that read my posts know that today is D day.

So I listen to songs with my kids a lot. If y'all like Five finger death punch, you may know the song "circus" we listen to it all the time and our three year old son just adores it (mostly because he has an obsession with monsters right now because I am a halloween fanatic).

Anyways, when we listen to it when my H is in the car it just hits differently , I don't like it anymore, it is like he ruins a lot for things for me. Any song that has to do with sex, drugs, or any movie for that matter I do not enjoy it when I am with him. I am struggling a lot. When I am by myself I scream the lyrics "you have to f*** somebody to love somebody" because to me it is jut lyrics but that is exactly what HE DID. He f***** someone... to possibly love her. When I watch movies with sex, it is what it is because I wasn't an addict but he was.

I don't know if that makes sense but so many things just HIT differently when he is with me. When I am alone it is JUST lyrics, it is JUST a movie, when he is with me it is reality, it is the truth of him. Does that make sense? I have to be very cautious what we listen to and what we watch because it just floods me. I have gotten a lot better with certain songs and most that used to bother me don't phase me but now the only way I can describe it is: "when I am with him things are tainted, when I am alone I enjoy those things."

Does this pass? Is this normal? I haven't brought it up to him yet because I don't want to hurt his feelings, I know what hurts and bothers me has NOTHING to do with her or what he did but he has RUINED so many things for me WHEN I AM WITH HIM. He sends me photos of the sunrise on his way to to work and I tell him how beautiful they are and he always tells me how they don't compare to me but how many times has he screwed her under the same sun?! I don't say that to him (anymore) but the thoughts haven't left my brain.

So many things feel tainted and I know so many things also pass. I think back to when showering naked and vulnerable felt like a death sentence and I conquered that, I hope that I can conquer this but mannnnnnnnn this is so hard.

Sorry for being needy, this week is just extra hard.

Gahhhh, I hate it.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 10:36 PM, Sunday, October 6th]

I used to love Adele. Now I want to throw up when her songs come on the tv or radio, especially if he’s in the room. We were watching her LA concert in 2022 and he starts crying at all her songs about lost loves. At the time I chalked it up to his hyper emotionalism due to prostate cancer hormone suppressant. Now I know it’s because he was thinking of giving her up in 1979 so he could "be a father" to his daughter. Too bad I didn’t know what was going on with them screwing around then or I never would have given the rat bastard that opportunity. Regardless, I leave the room when her songs come on as he still starts staring at the ceiling pulling on his beard. I know he still thinks of her and it is slowly killing me. I get it Groot.

I remember one very terrible day right after Dday.

Therapy appointment from hell as we discussed my imminent D. Then saw my kids and was headed home to get sweatshirts for a night out at the park and bring them to kids. I know in a few days I have to tell my kids we are D and I am just broken. Driving home and Now my favorite favorite song comes on the radio. A rarely played live version (from a 70s concert).

Now I’m sobbing in my car and I get home and I cannot even get out of the car. It’s that bad.

He comes out and opens the door and asks me "what’s wrong".

And I lost it. I vaguely remember saying something like you are cheating and planning to D me and you ask me what is wrong?

Anyway he ruined my favorite song. It just makes me sad when I hear it b/c of the bad memories associated with it. Almost every song from the summer of 2013 is a reminder of that horrible summer.

The good news is that it will get better and after awhile you will start to enjoy the songs or movies again. I can listen to my favorite song now and look at it very differently b/c my view of my life has changed, and the words are very true to where I am now. But I had to work through it for about a year.

The song? Free Bird.

Hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:08 AM, Monday, October 7th]

The song? Free Bird.

Badass, 1stWife! Love me some Skynrd.

I remember feeling like the whole world was grimy, contaminated. And it emenated off her like the dust cloud off Pigpen. It’s crazy how intimate betrayal fucks with the brain.

Movies and songs were always landmines. They play off emotion on purpose and you have all kinds of scenarios played out in front of you that you wouldn’t see in everyday life otherwise. As part of the affair, my wife took up a hobby that POSOM (and his wife and kids) was heavily into. It was the dumbest fucking thing, you dress up as cowboys and shoot targets like you are at the OK Corral or something. Fucking Wyatt Earp wannabes. Anywho, one day we are watching a western and she starts explaining to one of our kids something about why a character wore his holster a certain way or some bullshit and it was like a bomb went off inside me. There was only one person who would have taught her that.
So in summary, you are only as disturbed as the rest of us traumatized fools. You are in good company.

Thinking of you on your Dday as your first official year out is "complete."

First off, I love 5FDP and ironically enough I love listening to their heavier and angrier songs! I would imagine beating the shit out of both my WH and OW at their workplace and calling them out in front of everyone (I don’t so much do this anymore, but it got me through some hard moments).

Secondly, literally any show or movies I watch have A related material (you can’t get away from it) … it kinda bothered me moreso in the beginning of all of this, but now it doesn’t … now when I watch these shows I make sure to turn up the volume nice and loud so my H can hear "and she chopped up her husbands body after the discovery of his affair" 😂 Honestly, watching Father of the Bride (one of my fav movies and I did a gift for my dad regarding this movie for my own wedding) is where I have had to hold it together … I used to love everything wedding (now it strikes a hurtful cord - hope this passes).

As for songs, there where always a few that stood out to me back when I was growing up and I would always feel sad hearing them if I wasn’t "with" someone. When I met/married my H, I thought to myself "I will always be able to listen to these songs and be happy I found my forever person (Savage Garden - Truly, Madly, Deeply and Aerosmith - Don’t wanna miss a thing) … hearing these songs now make me so unbelievably sad, like I’m alone and having to dig harder to find that forever person (again).

All of this sucks, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling like everything is tainted - I get the feeling. On the flip side of things, you’ve overcome a few of your personal hells as a result of you H’s
A (showering naked) and I think with a bit more time and healing these other feelings will pass.

Try to remember you have already conquered so much in this past year, both little and big things (even though I know at times it’s hard to see).

You know what? You don't have to f* somebody to love them. Would you f* your children to love them? Nope. Shift your focus.

As a CSA survivor and BW, I may have a different perspective on things. Why do you have to worry about a grown-ass man's feelings versus your children's feelings?

My XWH didn't do the work so we are D. My oldest said he couldn't believe that I stayed married so long and should have D'd much sooner.

What relationship behavior are you showing your children?

If you were telling your BFF the information, what would they say and how would you respond?

Any song/movie that relates to cheating/affair instantly reminds me and every time I wonder "Does it remind her? Does it make her feel bad? Does she even think about what she did?"

She has said "I might look like I'm fine but most days I'm not" and I don't believe her for one second. I think she likes going to work because it is a several hour reprieve from her steady dependable reliable faithful trustworthy (boring) husband and her responsibilities as a wife and mother.

I'm sure she's laughing and joking and chatting away with coworkers. Maybe when she climbs into her car to drive back home to the same steady dependable reliable faithful trustworthy (boring) husband and the kids and the same home and the same responsibilities she might/does reminisce about how fun/exciting it was secretly sexting with a man who is nine years younger than her and thirteen years younger than her husband.

I'm sure she misses the excitement of feeling her phone vibrate and reading yet another text/sext from him and INSTANTLY firing a message back. And then the excitement evaporates when she sees it's just a text from her boring husband of 20 years. I'll get back to him later, if I remember.

It's amazing, ever since D-Day she is suddenly able to instantly reply to a text from me whereas before it could be hours. Not always an instant response but a hell of a lot faster than before which makes me believe she always saw my texts and had little/no desire to reply hence the long response times.

It's amazing how many little random things throughout the day remind me. I think I'm the only thing that reminds her.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:24 AM, Monday, October 7th]

Edited to say

Thank you all for the replies and for sharing your stories, I choose to protect what little peace I have left.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 12:04 PM, Monday, October 7th]