SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been lurking on this site since October 2023 and other than a couple posts thanking a member for their insights, I haven’t been actively contributing. I decided to write my story today for my profile (because I just read how to read others’ profiles), and I found it very therapeutic, so I wanted to give it a wider share. So here goes and thank you all…this site has helped me a lot.

D-Day was Aug. 11, 2023. I had known/felt for a while that something was off with my husband of 21 years, but I chalked it up to him being overworked at a stressful job and having just turned 50 in April (and him telling me that nothing was wrong). But on that day, driving home together on our hour-long commute from work from a busy tourist town in the height of summer, with me in the driver’s seat, I sideways glanced at him and flat out asked, "Are you having an affair?"

I sort of 80% believed that the answer was going to be no. But after he tried to change the subject by claiming he saw a moose (what the mind will do when it’s stressed, right?), and after I asked again, "Are you having an affair," he said, "Yes."

Then that weird wave of tingling and numbness, somehow at the same time, washed over me while I was trying to concentrate on driving while listening to my husband tell me who the affair was with (someone he met at his work), how long it had been going on (complicated because he had known her for about 4 years, been in an EA for what he said was about 6 months but was probably longer, and in a PA for 3 months), how I didn’t have to worry about a pregnancy because she was 10 years older than he (not to mention maybe because he’d had a vasectomy 22 years prior that seem to have taken…again, what a stressed brain will make the mouth blurt out), and that he thought he loved her.

Since then we’ve talked a lot of things over and he has taken full responsibility for his actions and we’ve both been to therapy and the whole nine. It’s now July of 2024 when I’m finally writing this, and we seem to be in a good place, but I still look at him sometimes and wonder if it’s love keeping me here, or complacency, or fear. So now I am trying to define love, and fear (I am all too familiar with complacency). And because we’re trying radical honesty with each other, he knows this.

And we’re working on staying together, although he knows it’s not a done deal for me while I work on myself and what I want for myself (including a post-nup). And this site is helping me navigate and keep my head on straight while I make some pretty heavy decisions and hope that it turns out to be love after all.

I am really sorry to meet you here. You deserve much better than to be hurt and find yourself here. .

I remember when my xh told me about his affair, it was like ice flowed throw my body top down. I just listened and asked questions. Matter of fact. It took a long time to get over the shock.

It also took time to get angry. And boy did I.

You didn’t mention if your wh has done anything to understand why he cheated, to support you. Has he done any work to become a better husband? What work is he doing on himself?

This isn’t just about you deciding, he needs to earn your trust back through actions and commitment. The love will not just come back or recover especially if you don’t feel safe with him.

True reconciliation is hard work for both parties. So can I ask you are you in reconciliation?

What are you doing to rebuild?

I finally said no, but it took me a long time. Why did I say no? For me, the betrayal was too much and at many levels. I know I am better off, and honestly I don’t think about him much these days.

Whatever you decide, it is not easy either way. It is hard work. You need support. And whatever you decide, it is your decision, you don’t need to justify it to anyone.

Please post more here. We will support you. You will be ok.

Hugs.

Sorry that we're meeting this way. I'll skip the "hey, you can find this here" post because you've probably read it a bazillion times. (But if you want, I can post it.)

I hope he's doing the work to be a safe partner and not just doing it to somewhat rugsweep or hope things will get back to the way they were.

For me, I found out that my reason was fear (and being trauma bonded). I didn't know what the future would hold. They say that past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. Taking the A out of the equation, the way my XWH treated me had been terrible. It was the reason why I made the decision to D. That, and he crossed the hard boundary I had set regarding no sexual contact with other females, but I digress.

The decision to D has been the best one for me. I'm so much happier now and have had some great adventures. The peace and contentment I have now far outweigh the fear that I had pre-D. I've made some fun new friends, I've gotten raises at work and I've been able to pay down my debt.

Do I wish that XWH pulled his head out of his behind and became a safe partner? Absolutely. I would have loved to have stayed married and worked on M 2.0. It just wasn't in the cards for us because he couldn't do the work.

I hope you find your answer. This post was to hopefully help with the staying out of fear question that you have. Stay because you love him and he is a safe partner.

Good luck and keep posting.