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Today march 10 marks one year since d day hit me like a ton of bricks landed on me and changed my life forever. I never posted my story anywhere else and have been reading so many on SI and wish that I would of found it sooner.I will try to give a brief story of my journey that Ive been on since .Me BS 57 and ww52 married which would have been 25 years in December ,been together for 36 years.She’s basically been gone for almost 9 months now and living with AP.Our 15 year old daughter is living with me and that is one of the reasons why I have held off on moving forward with the divorce. That and everything that she has done and put me through I still love her and would try to reconcile if she was willing.WW still comes to visit her and takes her to school every day but other than that she’s been doing very little in her life since this all happened .Its so hard for me to fathom that everything that was,can be gone in the blink of an eye.We pretty much did everything together and that’s what is so hard now is that I’m alone and just sit and think of what we had .WW says she still loves me but is in a different place at the moment and she doesn’t know if she can give him up and remain faithful if we were to reconcile.She’s basically leaving all this up to me to deal with the divorce and I’m just having such a hard time with pulling the trigger .

If your concern is losing time or custody of your daughter, then your wife did you a massive favor by moving out to cohabitate with the AP.

You need to consult with a lawyer to get advice that’s applicable to your situation and jurisdiction, but in many places, what your wife did could be legally considered abandonment, which might entitle you to the house and primary custody of your daughter, as you are now her main caregiver.

Your wife might say she’s confused, but what she’s actually doing is hedging her bets and trying to keep you on the shelf as back up plan in case things don’t work out with AP.

You and your daughter deserve better than that. Meet with a lawyer and file.

Maybe filing for divorce will be her wake up call. Maybe it will be the impetus for AP to dump her because he’s not crazy enough to marry an adulteress, even though he’s low enough to sleep with one.

Or maybe she will be eager to get the process over and done with so she can fully move on with the scumbag. If she’s looking forward to her shiny new life, she might be willing to give you favorable terms just to expedite the divorce. Better to strike now than wait and hope of the affair to sour.

Either way, you will get out of the torturous limbo in which you find yourself now.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:03 AM, Monday, March 11th]

There are some pinned posts in the JFO (Just Found Out Forum) that you might find helpful, as well as pinned posts at the top of this forum. The Healing Library is a great resource and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Please see a lawyer. Your wife leaving can be seen as abandonment, and that can be helpful for you.

Welcome to SI, and so sorry that you're hurting.

You're not pulling the trigger. She already did, youre just filing the paperwork for it. Might as well get it done now.

After you see the attorney...

Change the locks - you don't know anything about this other dude, and he could be dangerous to your daughter. Probably not, but don't risk her safety.

Change the locks - you don't know anything about this other dude, and he could be dangerous to your daughter. Probably not, but don't risk her safety.

Until and unless IntoTheUnknown is legally granted exclusive use of the home, he can't change the locks or deny his wife access to the house.

If security is a concern, set up cameras instead.

Doesn't tht vary state by state?

NTV, obviously laws vary by state (which is why OP needs to speak to a lawyer rather than take our word for it), but generally speaking, you can't just lock your spouse out of your shared marital home. Maybe OP could get away with it if his WW had completely disappeared for the past 9 months, but she still comes over every day to take their daughter to school and regularly returns for visits.

Also, simply changing the locks without warning (even if it's perfectly legal) is a hostile action that could transform what could've been a relatively smooth divorce process into an acrimonious one. For the sake of his daughter's wellbeing-- and to bolster his standing in court-- he's better off doing everything by the book and not taking any action that could be perceived as spiteful.

My heart breaks for you my brother.
Many of us understand and know the uncertainty and pain that you are experiencing.
And being caught in a state of limbo can be overwhelming.

But like others, I would echo the thought that it is a good step to consult with a lawyer, and to seek one that suits you.
Think of this as a step towards gaining information and understanding your options.
And if you do file, then you can stop the process.
But as others have suggested and sometimes happens, the reality of divorce can be a wake-up to a WS.
It may also help you to come to comprehend whether you love your WS or are in love with the life you once had.

Please keep posting.
Sharing your struggles and thoughts can assist you with this healing process and in moving forward.
We are here to help you move out if infidelity, whether by divorce or reconciliation.
Please don't stay in this state of limbo.
It's not good for you.
And can be destructive for your daughter.

Regards,
FAWH.

Our 15 year old daughter is living with me and that is one of the reasons why I have held off on moving forward with the divorce.

Can you expand on this further so we can help? IE is it a financial concern, custody, etc?

Right now it sounds like you already have sort of a visitation schedule by default.

What is your daughter feeling? She is 15 and right now 'this' is the example she has of a marriage.

...and that’s what is so hard now is that I’m alone and just sit and think of what we had

This process is very lonely! However, it is just part of your path/journey. However, you are really stuck right now. Meaning, you can not really go forth in your healing while you are in limbo. I would encourage you to move forth for yourself (and your DD). IF your WW's new world falls apart and she comes crawling back someday, then YOU can decide if you even want to rebuild with her. I doubt you will once you get further down your path of healing. But if you do, that is always an option. Being officially D does not mean you can never try again with her someday. But it does mean you are showing her you are not just going to stay there as plan B incase her new life isn't all she thought it will be (that is coming, my friend).

Thanks for all of your support and recommendations. I did consult with 2 different attorneys back at the end of January.It was like I was entering the realms of hell, just couldn’t believe that I was going to have to do this.Both were very understanding and gave excellent feedback on how to go about starting the process. Both stated that in Pa. everything is usually split 50 50 .As far as my daughter she would be living with me and I would get child support from WW.We have no debt, house is payed for no car payments and no large credit card debt.As far as professions I’m a contractor owner operator I make in the upper 40s WW is in education and earns upper 60s. The house we own I totally remodeled it in my so called spare time ,evenings and weekends so all the work I did and boosted the value will now bite me in the ass if I’m able to buy her out . I just wanted the last part of my life to be a little bit easier and start to enjoy seeing my daughter grow into a young woman and being there together to take her to college and vacations and even her about to start driving a car,these are things that I see my brother and sister and their spouses enjoying with their children.Just fucking hate to think she’ll have to choose between us for the rest of her life.We were a good family that did everything together.As far as the OM ,total shit bag,its true what everyone says they always affair down ,even has a mullet hair doo and looks like the caveman on the geico commercial.Both attorneys did state that she still has rights to come to the house since we are both the owners and we don’t have any legal agreement on that as of now. I do plan on reaching out to one of the attorneys to see about starting this process,it’s just something that I have been trying to get my mental state prepared for.

Both stated that in Pa. everything is usually split 50 50

I am also in PA, we were able to amicably sit down and divvy it up on our own. Then I presented that to my attorney and he put it into legalize for our signatures. It is something to consider to keep the attorney fees down if you feel you can reach an agreement on your own.

I do plan on reaching out to one of the attorneys to see about starting this process,it’s just something that I have been trying to get my mental state prepared for.

Even though this is not the path you wanted, I think you will find get peace when you head down it.

You are in a very vulnerable financial position right now since you are responsible for any actions your WW makes.

Please protect yourself.

I am sorry that you are here. My WW moved out and it took years before she filed. I also raised my then 11 year old and she still lives with me. I understand where you are at. Like you I did nothing wrong and had the happy ever after as you. It cost me more money than if I had just gone ahead and filed. I know you want to believe she will come to her senses and want to return to the marriage. Right now she has no reason to do so. She gets the excitement of a new relationship and probably knows you will take her back anytime. Do you really want to be a 2nd choice? It sucks. I have been there. Life is not always fair. My WW married her OP and guess what? They are getting divorced now. She sent me a letter that I returned to her unopened. You deserve better. If you are trying to learn how to swim you will never learn if you are still holding on to the side of the pool. Let go. Trust me, you will be better once you get to the other end. Good luck to you.

I do plan on reaching out to one of the attorneys to see about starting this process, it’s just something that I have been trying to get my mental state prepared for.

Please do so ASAP, IntoTheUnknown. Has your WW been providing you any monetary support for bills and raising y'all's daughter the past 9 months or has she left that to you to do by yourself while she plays house with her new boyfriend in her fantasyland???

Your WW makes more than you and works for the State in education right? -- means she probably has a retirement pension/account while you're self-employed. I'm not licensed in PA but you need to know your legal rights... you may be entitled to half her retirement which can then be used to offset you buying out her half of the house. Since she makes more and your daughter lives with you, she should be paying you child support, if not spousal support, in addition.

Please stop letting your WW take advantage of you. Try to document everything, and tell your WW that all future communications should be in writing, preferably email.

Thank you everyone for your responses and support on my journey.That’s what I really like about this site so much support and first hand knowledge of people who have been through this storm. since I posted last I have been in contact with a attorney who will handle my case. I have received a email with all of the documents to fill out and deliver. I printed them out and have begun the paperwork. I believe there are around 40 pages of info to do, ran out of paper for the printer and had to go get more because I was doing double copies of everything. Answering the questions was tough ,it’s opening up your whole life from when we first got married, last night I was filling out a list of all the things that we own in the house trying to put a price tag on them which was a little emotional for me to think that in the end that’s what it has become.Yes to a question my WW will loose big time on her pension and that’s what I would use to offset the cost for the house if I can afford it and she would also be paying child support for our Daughter. I was never about any of this and would much rather reconcile with her than to start this process and have to view her as my enemy,just can’t imagine flipping that switch to do that. I read a post that is on just found out the other day and the BH talks about his WW saying how she still loves him and he also has feelings for her but she still is with AP .Someone commented on writing her a letter explaining how you love her so much that your going to let her go.To do what she wants with OM but not while they are married. That’s where I’m at right now trying to use that same rhetoric in my own situation .

I’m sorry you are in so much pain and being forced to go down a path you would rather not.

Everything in your life is negotiable- the house value, child support, division of assets etc.

What is not negotiable is how your wife treats you.

It could be possible you D and she eventually leaves the OM and you reconcile. But she would have to do a ton of work to get you to trust her again. And possibly love her again.

What you won’t regret (ever) is doing what is best for you and your child. The mother abandons her child to be with some random guy. That has permanent effects on a kid. And you too.

Life’s paths are not always easy. But you have to live in reality and put aside "hope" sometimes.

Just know the person you married is NOT the person you divorce. Expect to see a different person when it comes to $. Be prepared.