SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So let me start off by saying this is a non-marital relationship so spouse and other terms are used loosely to convey the players…also I’m new here so hi! If this was a Reddit AITA post I am most certainly the asshole and I understand that…but I’m asking for assistance…

I am actually the WH in the relationship with a woman we can refer to as N which started as FWB. I was seeing another woman who we can refer to as L who I had a FWB situation but was also vehemently in love with her to which she was emotionally unavailable, and they knew of each other at the time. I ended up halfway ending things with L and "remaining friends". I asked N out and it was a good first month or so then It got suggested that me N and L have a threesome which was great until N found messages on my phone to L she felt were inappropriate they didn’t stop from me trying to push the threesome which never happened and resulted in her exchanging messages with another man she stopped. I didn’t me and N would break up at least once a month until around the 8 month mark miscommunication, I have bipolar and go through episodes of depression followed by hypomania and low level risks she has BPD and can get borderline vicious. And our disorders clash a bit sometimes I was very passive quiet and didn’t get my words out all the time and she’s very verbally abusive naturally which can be off putting but she’s working on it. But every break up ended in me running back to L emotionally as well as some sexting- we would get back together and I would continue to talk to L in a more tame fashion secretly and had seen her in secret on a handful of occasions in public. Things came to a point when in August we broke up for what seemed like a more permanent resolution for about 2 weeks in that time period I slept with L once and realized the futility in my love for the woman broke it off completely and tried to repair my relationship with N, she found out soon after and for a period of about a month (sept) she decided to have copious amounts of sex with a once mutual friend we were going on a trip with at the end of the month and was honest about it. I bugged the hell out dragged her name through the mud on two separate work related group chats. And things calmed down…we then proceeded to link up again the last week in sept started CT to which we both stated we cut off the APs and both decided to mend the relationship and decided we would start completely fresh the Friday following which was our friends wedding, I booked a suite we planned a trip to the museum the Sunday after the wedding and I booked a high end restaurant/tickets to Hamilton for the following weekend….wedding was fantastic but I found out Saturday night while she was asleep by checking her deleted messages she fucked him one more time two days before the wedding. I went silent. Drove home and attempted suicide. I ended up in the hospital for about 3-4 days. And we just kind of..went on with life a little? No more APs just kind of going through the motions Reminds me of the swept term that was noted before, Experiencing pain until it wasn’t as stressful…about 4-5 months go by we still had fights only this time I was loud borderline violent. It exploded into a night where dv occurred between us I won’t go into it but I initiated it. And we were poised to break up….until we found out she was pregnant to which we decided to try to fix things I was on and off therapy for awhile but after this decided to take anger management therapy myself in addition to standard and psychiatric treatment. Things were looking up we proceeded to have a miscarriage. So we’re dealing with that now separately as well as everything else. We are attempting CT again and Now there’s someone with a voip fake number messaging me that she was with multiple other men and it’s triggering the shit out of me. Not in a reactive way as I have shown in the past but in a way that says

I cant get these mind movies out of my head about them…he was longer but thinner which makes me feel inadequate and like I can’t reach parts of her that he could. I am plagued by the rage for a man I called friend. I’m having trouble with the idea that she went raw with him and that very last time she fucked him is absolutely tearing me up in why would she say let’s start fresh and do that…she states it was cause she needed to know if it was still me that she wanted to be with or was she finally done. I don’t believe the messages and I realize I have been an utterly terrible person to her and what was done was done during a break and I got my just deserts but I need help figuring out these emotions and was hoping someone here might have some insight some wisdom…I want to do right by her but I need to get past the nearly obsessive compulsive thoughts I have about her frolicking.

TLDR
WH takes LT-EA to one time PA after break in relationship - BW gets revenge with AP who was mutual friend in short affair with lots of sex WH doesn’t know how to cope with certain feelings noted in last paragraph.

There’s a lot going on there.

First, it would help for us reading if you would break up your posts into paragraphs. Thanks.

You’re asking for advice.

I come from a background of violence and mental health issues, along with alcohol abuse in my first relationship. My first boyfriend was an alcoholic with anger issues, was bipolar, and physically abusive. I stayed for three years. It was a mistake all the way around.

It was not a healthy relationship, and never would have been. As with your story, it was escalating over time. Each time, the anger and acting out got worse.

It doesn’t get better.

There is a dynamic there that is unlikely to change. It might settle down for a bit, but it will just boil over again as the cycle of one or both of you rises or falls again.

Because the treatment for your mental illness takes years, and you both will not be healing on the same course or timeline, it’s probably ill-advised that you two remain in contact at all. You have been betrayed, and that alone has its own set of complications in terms of recovery - and this does not even take into account your anger management issues nor the bipolar issue. She clearly has another set of problems that she needs to address.

Both of you need an intense intervention program to address your needs - independent of one another.

My advice is separate, heal, and move toward your own healing.

Sorry double post

[This message edited by 5Decades at 2:33 PM, Monday, January 22nd]

I had a very hard time reading your post. Can you edit it and break it down to paragraphs?

What are you doing to treat your bi-polar condition? Do meds not work? What is your SO doing for her own treatment?

Gently, as far as I can see, you've asked for advice about a very toxic relationship. What advice do you expect? Do you expect anything different from 'end it now' or 'get out' or 'whatever you do, don't restart it'?

I think people her would like to help, but I don't see how we can unless you post with more clarity. I know, I know, you're looking to us for clarity. If it will help, here's my advice:

Stay out of relationships for now. Get yourself treated for bpd. TDo some serious IC to learn how to deal with your emotions. Don't restart with this woman - stay out of relationships until you heal some. I know I said that once, but it bears repeating.

I'm not saying I think you should stay out of relationships forever. I think you need to take a break and heal yourself some before participating.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:01 PM, Monday, January 22nd]

I think the average person, even one who’s experienced the pain of infidelity and the havoc that wreaks on relationships, is probably out of their depth when it comes to offering sound advice in your situation. I think you need to break things off, and you both need to actively work on your mental health and healing individually with the help of qualified therapists/mental health professionals before pursuing any new relationship.

You are seeking out advice and trying to find your way to something healthy rather than accepting the toxic status quo. That’s a huge step, and you should be proud of yourself for it. But I think you need some space from her and lots of hard work to reach a healthy mental place where you can be in a healthy partnership.

Welcome to SI. There are some posts in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you may find helpful, which are marked for newbies. Also, since you're a wayward, check out the pinned posts there.

My recommendation is for you to work on yourself in IC, and possibly get meds and stay on them. My younger sister is bipolar, and meds work wonders for her. Also, she didn't cheat.

Usually, we don't recommend CT right away. Your relationship didn't cheat, y'all did. IC for healing for each of you to dig into your whys and to heal, then maybe CT if you decide to R. The CT is there to treat the relationship. There are some good CTs out there, so you may be lucky. The CT will need to be able to hold both of you accountable for working on your cheating tendencies.

I'm sorry for the loss of the baby. It sounds like you have lots to process through, and it is not for the faint of heart.

Your situation as I read it is unsustainable, toxic and dangerous.

I will be blunt as there has been dv and I don't think pandering or soft words are suitable here because of that. You need to separate and work on yourselves apart. You cannot control what the other person does in this time and you cannot be certain the relationship will restart but what you can guarantee is if you stay together it will get worse.

You need to get to the root cause of the dv. Learn temper control. Figure out why you bounced between both women and resolve what ever internal conflicts you have. Only once you fully understand your behaviour and can control it will you be able to consider a relationship. Your ex or partner (it is not clear where you both stand at the moment) away not want to work on herself. She may opt to be with someone else and that is her choice to make.

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 8:17 AM, Tuesday, January 23rd]

Sir. Please learn to be happy alone as an individual.
You need intensive therapy and most lily lifetime stabilizing medication.
Please leave this relationship. Consider intensive therapy as well. Stay out of relationships until you have learned how to deal with anger without physical violence.
This current situation is toxic in every way possible. There is no fixing this. Broken people are like magnets for each other. Until you work through your brokenness and issues you are never going to have a healthy happy relationship. Make healing yourself your priority.