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Has anyone else experienced this? After DD#2 I was HEAVILY considering divorce and going over all the ways he has hurt me and our family. Now trying to reconcile, I'm feeling meh, down, depressed. He is doing all the right things, it's been a couple of months. I almost feel like the reality of working on this has hit me. Also wondering if I'm missing the terrible anxiety rush of considering divorce. Not sure this makes any sense 🙁

So I had been saying I was undecided. Yet my counselor pointed out that I was very much in reconciliation by my actions. I think I felt better saying I was not committing. My counselor helped me see that it’s ok to decide to reconcile if I want. She helped me see that I can always make a new decision later. Committing to reconciliation doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind later if anything else happens, I learn about something else, or really for any reason at all that’s important to me.

[This message edited by AintDatSpecial at 6:37 PM, Thursday, October 12th]

I understand the 'down' feeling. Choosing to reconcile comes with a mixed bag of feelings. First, at what point are you actually reconciling? It's not when you decide to do it.. it's some unknown point in time AFTER that. Initially, it's almost always a BS dragging a WS along, smashing excuses like you're playing whack-a-mole, doubtful that you even have the full picture - wondering why you seem to want it more than them.

Some WS's are still in research mode at that point, most are still processing immense amounts of grief. Many are asking themselves "How did I let this happen?". Likely, you realize that YOU have a lot of issues to work out, too. You have to get through ALL of that and reach a point of optimism and calm before you're actually 'reconciling'.

Then you get to wonder if THEY are really on board - or if they're just phoning it in. You get hyper-vigilant.

You doubt everything. The BS often has to balance working through this new doubt while somehow celebrating the 'good' steps that their WS is taking. You have to ASK and ENCOURAGE the person who hurt you most to continue to NOT hurt you. After all of that, you might finally begin to feel like you're both 'reconciling'. Once it's actually going well, you begin to see how broken your WS is and how hard they're working on themselves - and you get to begin to wonder "What's so different NOW that makes them want to do this?". After all, YOU are either the exact same person they cheated on, or worse, you've realized that YOU have issues and you feel like LESS than the person they stepped out on. On top of that, you're probably moody and demanding and in need of re-assurance of some kind. How can you not wonder when the person who blew up your world is going to decide that you're just not worth it? I think that's when 'reconciliation actually starts.

The slow process of developing MUTUAL empathy and developing a NEW marriage One in which you as BS can experience your authentic feelings secure that your WS WANTS to understand and accept how badly they hurt you and WANTS to become a safe person. One in which you can empathize with the place your WS was in when they betrayed you and where you're proud of what they've accomplished.

This is when you have to walk the tightrope between being honest when you're feeling hopeless and broken (hoping they'll be there for you)- or holding back your feelings when you know they'd simply break if you don't somehow find the strength to selflessly be there for them when they need you.

It's insane.. AND... if you're really committed to it, you go through ALL of this because you feel in your heart that this is BETTER than losing this person you love. It's the loneliest feeling I've ever had. It's the hardest work I've ever done. AND it's the second time down this road for me.

[This message edited by suddenlyisee at 2:14 PM, Friday, October 13th]

suddenlyisee - your response couldn't be more spot on! It's so gut-wrenching and making me think things and behave in ways I NEVER have. I can see why I swept it under the rug the first go around (obviously that just got us back here). I just don't know if I have it in me to do this work!

I've also been through this in previous relationships. In those and this one I have always gotten stuck at this bizarre point where everything felt 'better' and I just sort of convinced myself it was all going to be fine. We rug-swept, I ate my feelings along with their responsibility and we reset the game. It was EASY. I compromised myself to no end, allowing, becoming a party to and supporting shit I can't even comprehend now.. and it was EASY. Even eventually divorcing was EASY. I deserve sanity and safety, and I'll get it however I need to - but I will NEVER roll the relationship dice again.
I also finally feel I deserve SUCCESS and LOVE and a FUTURE and this is my last chance for that. I understand her better than I ever have, and I know this is HER chance to be the person she wants to be. Reconciliation with a worthy partner is a good path for her and I - and I think I finally have the skills to not settle. Choosing that path wasn't easy, and it wont BE easy, but I don't feel like it diminishes us in any way. We promised each other we would try this hard when we got married. Commitment is a value I want my kids to see. I want both myself and my wife to have a REAL relationship. Those are good objectives.
I have it in me to do the work... MY work will be good for me. It will improve me. I will be proud of it. Her work is her work. I will support it and celebrate it, but I won't do her work.