In a few days it will be 4 full months since I uncovered texts between my husband and a family friend. For context, WH had an A in 2012 (3 months EA, 1 month PA), so this new EA I discovered on 12/26/22 absolutely threw me for a loop. I struggled SO MUCH with this discovery because I felt like I was re-traumatized, taking me allll the way back to 2012 where I felt paralyzed, devastated, emotional…did I mention I felt paralyzed? After the 2012 A, husband and I worked sooo HARD to save our marriage. I know we got lazy and for the last 3-4 years we didn’t work so much on "us", taking each other for granted and drifting apart. What also makes this so complex is that husband is retired career military, multiple combat deployments, who suffered combat injuries (TBI); he has survivors guilt (he lost 10 of his men of a horrific, fiery helicopter accident in May 2006, also lost his best friend 2 months before that in a IED attack on the convoy, just horrific shit he’s been thru), and was diagnosed with severe PTSD, social anxiety disorder, depression. He retired from the army after 23 years in 2011. He struggled so hard trying to find his place in the civilian world for about a year. The A happened at about the 1 yr mark post military retirement. It took years - literally years, of IC on his end, IC on my end - and finally MC. We also did a brief period of family counseling, but stopped - I regret not sticking to that as our son (now 22) has recently told me that he still suffers unresolved trauma from everything that happened with his dad’s affair. So having ANOTHER discovery day 4 months ago. Well I was just sick. I felt I haven’t been able to gain my footing. I got immediately back into IC (H has been in IC for all his mental health stuff for years, and continues to this day). I felt so out of control. I’ve been suffering from bouts of insomnia and recently started taking medicinal grade cannabis for sleep. (That has helped immensely). IC has yielded so much progress!! I’ve been working so hard on myself. H has been doing awesome in his IC and is absolutely putting in the WORK!! I’m so IMPRESSED with his effort. He’s been planning day "dates" on his days off. We have gone to the movies, we went to Chicago for 4 days, Nashville, concerts, dinners. All planned by him! We are planning another vacation next month to visit the two older kids who live out West. I feel that I know all that I need to know about the EA. The messages that I found (texts) were very flirty, full of compliments- nothing sexual at that point. I discovered this about 10 days after it began. He reached out to this family friend first and she reciprocated. I feel - and he has admitted as much - that it was probably headed to sexting. I’m glad I didn’t see anything like that - BUT it was heartbreaking enough to see messages full of flirting, compliments. Because I WANT that from my husband. As for the "family friend". She’s NO longer a friend of this marriage or this family and this EA was outed to the everyone in our families. (she’s divorced, so no OBS to tell - BUT I did tell her pastor bc she holds some leadership roles in her church. She was removed from those roles temporarily.)
Yesterday I had IC and made some great progress - I have this fear of not being "heard" like I feel "invisible". I was raised as an only girl with 5 brothers. All my life my brothers’ extra curricular activities took precedence over mine. All my life I’ve been silenced by 5 brothers, my dad. I was raised in an environment where women had their place, be seen and not heard. I’ve always struggled with expressing my feelings, my wants, desires. At an early age I started to journal - because my thoughts and feelings had to go somewhere, I couldn’t keep them bottled up. And to this day I STILL journal. These feelings of not being heard carried over into my marriage. After my IC yesterday, I made a breakthrough. I was finally able to verbalize to my husband what was on my mind. Normally I’d shy away from speaking up for fear of conflict. But - I took a chance and he was very open to what I was saying. And he showed empathy and compassion. I was overwhelmed!! And happy. I know our work is not over. I know this from experience from what happened to us before. BUT we are survivors - I know this from being a military wife. I feel like "myself" for the first time in a very long time. I feel like my mental health is improving. AND our son (who’s away at college) is now in his own IC and doing so, soo well. I know we have a long way to go. But I wanted to post my progress - to share and for my own accountability. For the first time on a long time I didn’t have this heaviness on my chest. I have been sleeping better. I feel like the future is bright - something I struggled with 4 months ago. I was suffering from suicidal ideations 4 months ago, I was desperate, broken, not able to see a path forward. Today my future is bright, hopeful. Not just for my marriage but for me on a personal level. And I just wanted to share that.
Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996 -
DDay#1: 6/1/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month) - DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk) -
Reconciling and doing well.
