SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I’ve been with husband for 12years we have 2 beautiful children. He’s fab at home and the kids love him.
I’ve found messages from prostitutes since 2012.. he’s always denied it or said he gets a kick from messaging them.
He admitted he went to meet one when I found messages but he swore he didn’t go through with anything.
Anyway - the day started well a few days ago then he called me said well done for sorting daughters Bday that day. Asked for his wedding ring back that he had thrown at me a good few months ago. As we had been getting on really well. He had bought me flowers.
I look at his bank account he had spent money about 100miles away from home. He said he has had to go there for a work.
I check how I watch as this is how I found messages before and there was a suspicious message. So I messaged it asking if they were free? How much they charged. Lo and behold another prostitute and she gave me her postcode which was the same place 100miles away!
I’m devastated. He’s admitted it for the first time and said he will do anything to save our marriage. We tried counselling before and he made me and the counsellor believe it was a one off.
I’ve found 5-6 messages since 2012 and god knows what else he’s been up to.
I’ve said we will divorce / separate and split the house but it’s killing me! I love him.
It’s gonna be q long road and we have to live together now as we both can’t afford to move at the moment.
He’s suggested tracking devices and bank account control but I’m not daft there are ways around this.
We had an active sex life. He’s said he honestly doesn’t know why he does it.
I want to start a fresh but I don’t know if I’m strong enough - the kids are happy. Doing well at school. He works long hours and always have so I’ve practically bought them up myself anyway.
If I walk away I know he will carry on doing it. So maybe I should stick around to help him. But I know for sure it’s a long road and I’m not even sure he’s admitted he’s got a problem.
Help!

Welcome to SI.

I am so sorry your husband has been dishonest with you. Please be prepared that you may not have all the details. Most cheaters lie and minimize.

Please get tested for std's if you have not already done so.

Be sure to take care of yourself. This takes a toll on your physical and mental health and you have a long road ahead of you.

He needs to be honest about everything he has done, want to change and work hard to make those changes in order for you to have a chance at reconciliation.

Hi LilyAnna and welcome to SI. Sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful for newbies. Also, the Healing Library has some great articles - plus a list of the acronyms we use.

There is an I Can Relate (ICR) forum called Emotionless Infidelity that is for people whose Wayward Spouse (WS) who is into prostitutes and/or anonymous encounters.

Gently, he needs to focus on fixing him. You can't do it. At this time, focus on you and what you need for healing. The emotional roller coaster can take you on some wild rides.

I am so sorry he did this to you. This is such a disrespect not only to you emotionally but also he has put your health at risk. You are handling most if not all of the home duties now so not much change there. Sounds like a single parent anyway.

And he throws his wedding band at you???!!! Nahhhh...even more disrespect. He is in salvage mode and will say anything to stop you from D. Also, love - it is an emotion - it will come and go. I think yu love him because it is what you know. Once we start on your own it will start to fade as well as you will start to heal.

The kids are top priority - do not fall for his begging and he says he will change - this dates back to 2012 and he says he knows it was wrong - well, time to pay the piper.

I wish you well - be strong.

This behavior is not likely to stop and you need to understand that no matter how hard you try you cannot fix this. He has to do that all on his own.
I would encourage you to meet with an attorney and figure out what your rights are and what his obligations are.
I would also encourage you to see a fr and be tested for ALL STIs and bloodborne diseases. He is engaging with an extremely high risk population. This is in complete disregard to you and your children's health and well being. You should be mad as hell about this.
Stop having intercourse unprotected with him. He needs to understand that you do not trust him. No sex without protection period. This not only communicates how serious you are but may help him understand how serious you are.

Nothing you did or did not do caused this. You need to understand this above all else. He does this because he is a broken person that gets off on the ego kibbles/attention of others. Love won't fix this. Hard work digging deep and more hard work may eventually make him a safe partner but the attrition rate of people who use prostitutes is really high. Right now you need to protect yourself and your kids. And I don't care how much fun the kids have with him a good dad doesn't risk a child's mothers health

When you were in therapy together, did your therapist explore whether or not he has aspects of sex addiction? I agree with others that there is work he needs to go on himself to become a partner worthy of you.

In the meantime, get tested and focus on building a plan to protect yourself. If he is not willing or able to fix this, know your options. Even though I am still hoping for a reconciliation with my WH, I have scheduled a consultation with a lawyer to be sure I know what to do to also protect myself if that is not possible.

[This message edited by RecklessForgiver at 2:50 AM, Saturday, February 18th]

Thanks so much for your replies. It’s so tough. I think I’m more leaning towards calling it a day. Just hope we can sort finances ect.
It’s just so tough having 2 kids and not knowing how it will affect them.
He is willing to go to counselling. But this problem has been going on years so I don’t know how long if ever it will take to fix.
I’m at a loss either way I turn. Leave and it will affect the kids and finances or stay and see if we can resolve this.

If you think k that staying in a marriage where he is cheating and you are unhappy is good for your kids, please think again.

Do I continue to wait until she finally "gets it" and begins to enter into true healing. Do I tell her that maybe we need to separate for a while so that she has time to truly think about whether or not me and our relationship together is worth saving and worth putting in the effort to do so.

What would be different this time? He made promises and went to counseling before, right?

I'll be honest with you, when it comes to hookers, I believe it's more than an infidelity problem, more than a sex problem even. There's an underlying disrespect for human beings when you buy them as a commodity. How can you trust someone who makes a market for human trafficking and human misery? What will a person like that teach your children?

Your back really is up against the wall here. If you think about it, you've got nothing to lose that's not already lost. I think you can shoot for the moon. Make your demands big and see what he does. Certainly, I'd start off with a post-nup so that there's no confusion about what the divorce will look like if he gets caught again. I think I'd also insist on aggressive counseling with a CSAT. That can often mean both individual and group counseling via a 12-step program. Personally, I'd probably insist on separation for at least a one-year period while he gets his work done, with the clear understanding that there will be no sex, dating, etc. during that time frame. Just work and then more work. He would need to eat, sleep, and breathe recovery like it was his new religion... and he'd have to prove he'd been faithful with a polygraph test at the end before I would consider resuming married life.

You know, lots of cheaters say they'll "do anything", then they don't. You've got a guy with a hooker habit in your home and influencing your children. I think you're well within your rights to make him put his money where his mouth is, instead of where he's been putting it lately.

I'll be honest with you, when it comes to hookers, I believe it's more than an infidelity problem, more than a sex problem even. There's an underlying disrespect for human beings when you buy them as a commodity. How can you trust someone who makes a market for human trafficking and human misery? What will a person like that teach your children?

Exactly my thoughts. What does purchasing sex say about how your husband views women generally? As objects that exist for his convenience and pleasure.

Another thing you need to consider is that money he is spending on hookers is money that is being siphoned away from your family and the care of you and your children. You need to take a deep-dive into your finances and find out where your money is going and whether there are debts or secret accounts of which you aren’t aware. He is committing financial infidelity, too.

Lastly, if prostitution is illegal where you live, then he’s putting himself in situation where he could end up arrested, bury you under legal bills, and potentially lose his job/become unemployable. Plus there is always the physical risk of getting robbed or getting his ass kicked by a pimp. So as hard as it might be to consider life without him, you need to consider the risks of staying with him.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:14 AM, Monday, February 20th]

Just dropping in to say that the word "gosh" is a trigger for me. It's just wild how many facets of day to day life are infiltrated.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

So devastating. I've been through two marriages where he was cheating. The internet has put all of this at the fingertips of men all over and it just causes so many marriages to fail needlessly.

Have you considered counseling?