SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Haven't frequented the forums much for a while. To be honest I needed the break. I have lurked a little bit and replied to a couple of posts but just mostly taken some time away in an attempt to put the A behind me.

Anyway I received a DM a couple of weeks back asking for an update on how I am doing and I thought maybe around the anniversary of Dday would be an opportune time.

So thanks to that person for asking and checking in on me 😊 you know who you are

No point rehashing the A, I posted frequently during our failed attempt at R and a little bit shortly afterwards. But suffice to say WGF truly broke my heart with her A and I hers when I pulled the plug on R. We were both essentially ill-equipped for R. I wanted to know everything and she wanted to forget everything. It was a recipe for failure.

So where are we now.

Well officially I moved out of the family home 18 months ago. We split amicably with no arguments about finances. Everything 50/50. We continued to live in each others shadow for around another 6 months with frequent excuse "for the kids" to have meals and days out together. Eventually I pulled the plug on this too because it was tearing me apart.

The last time WGF asked me to reconsider was about 6 months ago. It was horrible to see her so low.

In the last year we have continued to coparent amicably. True 50/50 on care and finances. We have managed to come together for school appointments etc without drama.

Kids are okay, they’ve adapted well but for obvious reasons prefer the comfort and convenience of their own house. It was the only place they had ever lived till I moved out.

I started a new job the same week I moved out and this is going well. It keeps me very busy. Too busy to be honest.

I started dating in March this year. The 1st was a stupid mistake when I misinterpreted my own feelings towards a friend when what I was really looking for was friendship. That one lunch date ruined our friendship I’m afraid as her feelings were romantic and mine only platonic.

The second was via OLD with someone who was truly amazing, who I cared for very much but unfortunately I just couldn’t see it being a long term relationship. We just didn’t have any shared interests. She became very keen very quickly and I called it off after 2 months which sadly broke her heart. I think of her frequently but I learned my lesson about NC with my WGF and I haven't seen her since.

And now I have been with my current GF also via OLD for almost 5 months. I’ve faced many of the same fears I ran away from with GF number 2 but I’ve managed to work my way through them. We are well suited, we share so many interests and our ethics are very similar. In another life I can see if we’d met earlier we both would’ve avoided the traumas we have each been through.

So that’s my update. I don’t have a crazy ex. I have met 3 phenomenal women who are not bunny boilers. I am financially secure. My kids are doing well.

But.

This still doesn’t feel like my life 🤔

Anyway I will have a few topics I’d like to talk through in future posts but for now happy to answer questions.

TD

[This message edited by TwoDozen at 9:06 PM, Friday, December 23rd]

This still doesn’t feel like my life 🤔

In the early days, I was so nervous about the long-term peace and tranquility I now had because I had grown used to conflict and turmoil. It felt like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The gradual adjustment from one life into another is a little jarring when you look back on it. Sometimes it's hard to believe something as painful as this happened, and yet, here we are. Still going, maybe thriving. Life keeps moving and the world keeps turning.

Simply put, I can relate to the statement quoted above. If I totally misinterpreted it, however, then disregard my previous statements.

Congrats on the new gf. Hope she's a keeper.

@forks

I can understand your perspective. It’s weird at times I somehow miss the rollercoaster of emotions that were present for so long. I have felt numb now for so very long.

What I guess I meant was that the A rally kicked me sideways. There was absolutely no reason for it to happen and I really didn’t see it coming. I had never considered a future without WGF and it’s taking some time to adjust to this.

In truth, although people around here don’t like to hear it I’d swapped my new life in a heartbeat for a Time Machine, to go back to the ignorant bliss of pre affair life. Life wasn’t perfect but it was pretty damn near perfect.

I posted once before about not being able to see the future anymore and that’s still how I feel.

I’ll give you an example. A few months ago due to poor app design, I genuinely thought I’d won the jackpot on the lottery. I looked at the message on the app for about an hour, it was a lot of money, over 100 million. As I looked at that message (which I was reading incorrectly) I could not think of a single thing I would do with that money, not one thing.

Yes I could’ve quit work, but then what? Go where? Do what? With who? There was simply nothing there, just a void.

I had a conversation with my therapist about this. How does anyone else come into my life and compete with 18 months of hysterical bonding? He had no words of wisdom. He himself had been in a toxic relationship (which got him into therapy in the first place m) and he is now in a ten year relationship with someone who he says is perfect but could never compete with how he felt about his toxic partner.

So this is more I guess about learning to settle for a life you didn’t expect. Continually pinching yourself to make sure you’re not actually dreaming this.

I painted a very rosy picture of post D life above. They are the facts. Objectively I am aware there are billions who would love to be in my position. But this all just feels like the twilight zone to me.

Hi TD,
Thanks for the update. Even though it's not perfect, you've made great progress. Even though it's been 3 years, in the arc of infidelity, it's still fresh. Hope and excitement will come back. As trite as it sounds, it's one day at a time and always will be. Best of everything.

Hi TD

Question about your ex and R. You mentioned that the last time she broached the subject was 6 months ago. Did you reject R because she still hasn’t done the work and things rugsweeping is still the best option? Or is it because too much damage has been done to even think about trying again?

@FF

A combination of both actually. I think by this point 1 year after I’d moved out too much damage was done.

And also

Yes I believe that she hoped in her heart that after a period of separation my "needs" would lessen with time. She did not in this conversation tell me she would get help, answer questions, go NC just that she missed me and wanted me to come home.

Life has taught her that rug sweeping is how to get through this. Every single person in her family had achieved "R" this way.