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Even since my husband filed for divorce and went NC, I have continued my IC. I feel like I have made a breakthrough in my therapy that goes a way toward explaining my "why". Not just why I sabotaged my marriage but other self destructive things I’ve done in the past. Some days I wish I could tell him "Hey I’ve really made some strides. I just want you to know this. I understand that you don’t want to be toy but I want you to know I’m working really hard to not be that person who betrayed you anymore.

All through these days I’ve felt so alone. I’m at a new job where I’ve set firm boundaries for my when it comes to making friends. A lot of my friends that I shared with my husband have either cut me off of been outright rude to me. It’s something I can understand as in a way I betrayed them too. But it does hurt and I’ve felt alone.

My relationship with my parents is still strained to say the least. The still believe that all I have to do is beg my husband and he’d have me back. But I try to tell them he specifically asked me to not contact him. I miss him, I still love him but I know the right thing for me to do by him is to honor his request and leave him alone. On top of all that I’ve done it would be unfair for me to keep trying to contact him.

Last week one of my friends (who I met through my husband) contacted me out of the blue to ask how I was. I was very careful in my conversation as I wasn’t sure she was just fishing for dirt. Well she asked if I’d like to go to lunch Saturday and anything I didn’t want to discuss was off limits and she just missed me. So I took the plunge and we went to lunch. It was somewhat awkward at first but we ended up having a nice lunch. Eventually I opened up to her a bit about my guilt over my actions and told her how sorry I am that I betrayed so many people. She told me that mistakes happen. There I had to stop her. I told her that this was beyond a mistake. It was a betrayal of the person I held most dear in my life and who felt the same about me. I was just too selfish and blind to realize it at the time.

She said she’s seen my husband a few weeks ago and he seemed so lost. That hurt really badly and I asked her to please give him the support he needs right now. I know it sounds so hypocritical of me but I do worry about him. She did say when he spent the evening with friends that he did abstain from drinking the whole time which made me feel good about him.

Hi LaH,

Going NC is so hard. There's quite a few on this site on both sides of the equation that talk about how difficult it is. He hasn't stopped thinking of you any more than you have him. You can't stop years of habitual thinking and connection with a few weeks/months of NC.

It's good you're respecting his need for NC. It's good too you're not using your friend as a go-between (or "flying monkey") in an attempt to get through to him.

It's hard too when we've made progress not to want to run to our BS's with our gold star in our hands, "Look! I got 100% on this assignment!" In the end, the progress we make is ultimately for ourselves.

Keep respecting the NC. Our A's are the most disrespectful thing we could do to our BS's and the M. Showing him you can respect his boundaries on NC is just the first step in rebuilding any kind of trust from him that he will be respected by you in the future.

Sorry I can't give you more encouragement than that. Hang in there.

MIgander,

Thank you for the support! I know the old more selfish version of me would have tried to test his boundaries and contact him. Maybe even use a mutual friend in the manner you brought up. I have no more illusions about our future together. I know it’s over and my gosh it does hurt so badly but I know he’s hurting even worse than I am. If I’m ever going to at least have his respect and perhaps even be on friendly terms I need to respect his boundaries.

I do miss him. I worry about him. But I hear he’s doing good so I hope he’s ok. I’m just sticking with my IC. I’ve done some real painful digging there and made some breakthroughs. Not pleasant stuff but it’s a big part of my "why". Not an excuse for my actions of course but a reason for my behavior.

You're not alone. You have us here on SI. It's hard with everything going on all around you. Stay strong, respect your boundaries and keep NC going, even through a third party.

I'm glad to hear you're making progress and finding support, LAH.

Hi, LAH. Just checking in to see how you're doing.

Hi BSR! I am doing as good as I can! The holiday were very hard as they were the first that I haven’t spent with my husband since we first started dating. But my family was very supportive of me and I even met a few friends for drinks and although I felt incredibly awkward they were kind and not prying. They know what happened and it’s hard to be around them when I feel so much shame.

My mother called my husband on Christmas Eve to see how he was doing and to wish him a Merry Christmas. I didn’t even know she did it until Christmas Day when she told me they talked. She told him our family still loves him and always will and she and my father will always consider him a son. He told he he still loves them and he’s sorry things are the way they are. My mom said she wanted to ask him to please try to forgive me but she didn’t as she knows were no contact and doesn’t want him to think I put her up to it. I’m grateful for that. I’m glad he know me my family still loves him. I know he spent Christmas with his sister and her family so he wasn’t alone. He’s not particularly close to his mother and both of his brothers live out of town.

He and I still haven’t spoken although he did email me to ask if I was interested in going to a mediator for the divorce rather than court. I am ok with that as I believe there isn’t much for us to hash out and I believe we can come to an equitable solution for both of us. I just don’t want it to get ugly. There’s been enough damage done. It still hurts that he doesn’t want R but I have come to accept that.

That sounds like a courageous, honest holiday, which is a big accomplishment for the first Christmas after a marital split. I'm glad your mom called your BH, and I'm even gladder that she didn't put in a plug for reconciliation. I don't think my mother (or MIL) would have practiced that very necessary self-restraint. It's not like he doesn't know her wishes without being told.

I'm also really happy to hear that you've found kindness in your friends and family. The work goes better with compassion in the mix.