SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by blitzkreig at 4:46 PM, Saturday, October 30th]

I'm not sure it's possible to completely eliminate attraction to compatible people, but what matters is what you do with that attraction. You saw that there was a door opening, and you said no and pushed it shut. As long as you aren't minimizing the details, this sounds like a mark in the "win" column. You were tested again and made a better choice.

I'm not on board with the "he's just a man" argument. There are plenty of honest, faithful men out there, and many of them have opportunities they don't take. We have WH's here working to own their shit, too. You have a right to wear your BW hat and to see your H making a genuine effort to rebuild your trust.

As far as the "I wish I had known he was cheating so that I could have cheated more," I don't think I need to tell you that that wouldn't have been in your best interest. A spouse's infidelity isn't a "get out of jail free" card, and cheating is the act of a broken person no matter how you justify it.That being said, I had a BH who only came clean about his ONS after I confessed my own infidelity. It angered and frustrated me that I could have had 18 guilt free months, not of cheating, but of being the offended and supported party. Because I had a full affair and he had a brief ONS, we rugswept his offenses, and that was just one more brick in the wall between us. We healed much better once we acknowledged that.

Finding yourself attracted to another person means you're a breathing human. Self control, valuing your principles, not wanting to bring harm to your H/family/friends/other people's families/friends, not wanting to suffer the heavy cost of infidelity, etc. keeps you from acting on attraction.

After many years of my W's frigidity, I was terrified of even entertaining the idea of allowing a female to touch me. If a female flirted with me I intentionally made it awkward for her (not rudely, just a proper measure of intentional aloofness) to discourage her doing so again and I never gave another woman a hint of interest from me. All because I was keenly aware of a weakness I had due to intimacy starvation. While I really find making love extremely pleasurable, it was the slippery slope of person-to-person emotional intimacy that would trip me up and no doubt lead to a PA as well. I knew once I began down that path it would be like a drug for me and I'd be quickly living a double life.

Quite frankly it's a good thing that you are having an internal dialog of wanting to be cautious. I was and am too. I am as capable of marital transgression as my WW was or any WS. It's my hope that being aware of and facing my weaknesses, bluntly and without a filter, limits my acting on feelings that will cause personal and familial carnage. My weaknesses don't make me a bad person. Your weaknesses do not make you a bad person either.

Maybe it'd be a more balanced view for you to acknowledge that self-awareness but to not judge yourself as deserving of guilt because it's present. Use that knowledge as a weapon against your weaknesses.

One more thing to possibly try for you. Have you considered sharing all of what you shared with us with your H? No doubt, true intimacy is not just sexy time, smiles, hugs and kind words. As difficult as it may be to expose the real you by expressing how you feel and the risk you perceive with the man at work with your H, it'd open the opportunity for a deeper intimacy for each of you.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 4:57 PM, Thursday, October 28th]

[This message edited by blitzkreig at 4:46 PM, Saturday, October 30th]