Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: LonelyandUnsure

New Beginnings :
Jealousy

This Topic is Archived
default

 Scared1 (original poster member #14434) posted at 6:17 PM on Wednesday, January 29th, 2020

I've not posted on here for a very long time, but could really do with some advice please. I've been dating a wonderful guy for the past 4 and half years and have never had any cause to be jealous until recently. We attend a weekly dance class, where I teach, and we chat to a lot of people there, but there's one particular woman who he has engaged in conversation with a little more over the last couple of months - mainly over politics.

I was ok with this until this week, when he discovered they had a shared mutual interest and they spent ages together discussing it, whilst I had to teach a class! When I went over to them, she apologised for being in my seat and said they had just been talking about their interest. Even though I tried to hide my jealousy, I wondered if she could see through me.

I told my partner I wanted to leave and he was concerned that there was something wrong with me, not realising at all that he had made me jealous. I talked to him about it straight away and he understood, but said that if he finds someone, male or female, to talk to about his hobby, he finds it interesting. I've told him I don't want to stop him from talking to her, and he's assured me that I don't have anything to worry about, but I don't know how I'm going to handle this every week from now on. Any help would be welcome please. Thanks.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2007   ·   location: UK
id 8502719
default

hardtimesinlife ( member #10468) posted at 12:00 PM on Friday, January 31st, 2020

I can understand why you'd feel that way.

I think it's awesome that you've spent over 4 years without feeling any worry or fear (I think that is a better descriptor than jealous, jmo)

Now you have a chance to appreciate those years and to know you can feel secure in a relationship and experience trust. I think that is a HUGE accomplishment after infidelity.

Maybe this is a nudge that the two of you need to get back to a deeper connection. Maybe this situation is occurring around something that is triggering you from the past. Maybe you really don't trust this lady at the dance class for some reason (she reminds you of ow? Your intuition is trying to warn you about her?). Maybe your self esteem is low for another reason which is allowing doubt to creep in?

In any case, I think it's important to remember that IF it should happen again, you will survive it. You shared your concerns with your partner and how he handles it from here will tell you so much about him. So far he seems to be sensitive to your needs.

You say you trust him, maybe you need to rely on that trust until this temporary situation (doubt, fear) ends. Positive vibes and hugs coming your way, Scared1.

Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

posts: 7056   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2006   ·   location: Florida
id 8503565
happy

 Scared1 (original poster member #14434) posted at 6:09 PM on Friday, January 31st, 2020

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my post, and for the positive vibes and hugs hardtimesinlife

Your words are very wise - the situation is triggering me and with various family problems going on, I'm not feeling quite as chirpy or relaxed as I could be. I do know I need to keep my trust in him and hope that he will handle things sensitively at dancing, should the situation arise again.

I'm not good at hiding my feelings, so I'm guessing the woman may have noticed my worry/fear. Hopefully, she too will be sensitive....

Thanks again.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2007   ·   location: UK
id 8503805
default

WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 6:55 PM on Friday, January 31st, 2020

Scared, I read your post a couple of times and just wasn't in the right headspace to give a good response. I tried to put myself in your shoes, and I know I would have the same concerns, and my head would run away from rational thought and reason.

Hardtimes gave a great response.

I just want you to know you've been heard, and I get it. ((Hugs))

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4526   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8503833
default

 Scared1 (original poster member #14434) posted at 8:15 PM on Friday, January 31st, 2020

Thank you Who, it's good to know that others would feel the same way.

I'm honestly dreading next week, but I'll have to try and do my best to keep calm and composed.

I appreciate your response and hugs

posts: 60   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2007   ·   location: UK
id 8503877
default

LoveTKO ( member #54298) posted at 1:33 PM on Tuesday, February 4th, 2020

How does your SO treat you around this person? If I knew my SO was jealous, I would make every attempt to show him he has no need to be - maybe by introducing him as my BF, giving him a kiss on the cheek, etc. to make him feel better. I know you're teaching so it's complicated but there is after or before class..

I totally get it...

Me: BW
Him: FWH
LTA one year with local MOW
Dday: 12/4/15
Done - separated

posts: 794   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2016   ·   location: MA
id 8505247
default

 Scared1 (original poster member #14434) posted at 5:26 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2020

SO and I are always very 'touchy feely' and not afraid to demonstrate our physical affection in front of others. At dancing this week he came up to me after our first class, gave me a big hug and told me that it's me he loves, no one else.

Earlier in the evening, the woman had approached both of us, but immediately began talking to SO about their shared interest. She turned to me a couple of times and said how boring I must be finding the conversation, because I'm 'not interested' in the subject. I tried to tell her that I do find it interesting (I do, I just don't have the same knowledge that they have) but she ignored me. It was as if she was trying to make it 'their thing', for want of a better phrase, and I wasn't going to be a part of it! At one point, she even intimated about them getting together re their interest

SO is really surprised by my worries, as he's never experienced me being 'jealous' before. I do trust him, but feel threatened by her, for some reason. He has talked/laughed with plenty of women over the years and I've not been concerned.

Thanks for your understanding LoveTKO.

[This message edited by Scared1 at 1:58 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

posts: 60   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2007   ·   location: UK
id 8505853
default

hardtimesinlife ( member #10468) posted at 9:30 PM on Wednesday, February 5th, 2020

Bingo!

You were/are reacting to her inappropriate actions. They are Not those of someone who respects boundaries. I would imagine your SO isn't even picking those vibes up. Which is good, IMO.

If she says how boring it must be maybe just giggle and put your arm around SO and say "nothing about this man is boring" and give her your prettiest bitchiest smile ever. She needs to go! Ugh.

Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

posts: 7056   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2006   ·   location: Florida
id 8505986
default

 Scared1 (original poster member #14434) posted at 8:05 PM on Thursday, February 6th, 2020

Yes hardtimes, she does need to go! As much as I'd like SO to try and steer clear of her, he says he doesn't want to appear rude, but I'm afraid he might just have to be at some point.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Apr. 30th, 2007   ·   location: UK
id 8506488
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy